Grandma Jokes

Q: Why do Grandmas smile all the time?
A: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

Q: When is your grandmas bedtime?
A: Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.

Q: Why do grandmas count pennies?
A: They are the only ones who have the time.

Q: When do you know your grandma is old enough to retire?
A: Instead of lying about her age she start bragging about it!

Q: What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
A: Grandpa.

Q: Why did gramma put wheels on her rocking chair?
A: She wanted to rock and roll!

Q: What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
A: Instagram.

Q: How did grandma get more money from her bank?
A: With a deposit slip and fall.

Q: What's the worst part about being grandpa?
A: You have to sleep with grandma.

Q: What does your grandma's pussy taste like?
A: Depends.

Grandson: Grandma PLEASE put your bra back on!

The other day I went to the ATM and this old woman asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I got a sewing kit and it is sew fun!!!

Every time I see grandmas at weddings, they always walk up to me and say, "Your next". Well I've started saying the same to the but at Funerals.

Grandma: "Look they made a movie about The Smurfs grown up"
Son: Grandma Please shhhhhhh, that's Avatar...

Grandmas Ipod
"You're So Varicose Vein" by Carly Simon
"How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?" by the BeeGees
"I Can't See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash
"These Boots Give Me Arthritis" by Nancy Sinatra
"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" by the Commodores
"I Get By with a Little Help from Depends" by the Beatles
"Talking' ´┐ŻBout My Medication" by the Who
"You Can't Always Pee When You Want" by the Rolling Stones
"I Heard It through the Grape Nuts" by Marvin Gaye

Oh Grandma!
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

103 Years Old
A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandma: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Elderly Couple
A kids grandparents visit over the holidays go to church for Christmas Mass.
Halfway through the service, the grandma leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
The Grandpa replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Grandmas Driving
Two Jewish grandmas Marie & Edith were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The Edith in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

White Hair
A little girl was watching her mother wash dishes when she noticed that her mother had a few white hairs.
She asked her mom why she has white hairs.
Her mother replied, "every time you do something that makes me sad, I get another white hair".
The little girl thought about this for a few moments and then asked, "mommy, why are ALL of grandma's hairs white?"

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.
This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the Marie and said, "Marie! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Marie turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Brand New Hearing Aid
An Grandma who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return her hearing to 100%.

The grandma went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the elderly woman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Final Request
A grandma from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Two Smokers
Two grandmas Edith and Marie were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.
Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Marie: What's that?
Edith: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Marie: Where did you get it?
Edith: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Marie: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.

Bus Driver
A little old lady got on a city bus, and sat down behind the bus driver.
After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full.
"Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth.
After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?"
"Nope," the old lady replied,
"Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"

Two Grandchildren
I had to take my two grandchildren, Saige, 5 and Mason, 6, with me to the grocery store.
Typically, they are not very well behaved shopping.
So, I had a plan! The grocery store had shopping carts that looked like little race cars for children, including two steering wheels.
I put them in the cart and said "Okay, let's pretend you're driving this car. I want you to keep both your hands on your wheel at all times, and don't take your eyes off the road."
Everything was going very well as we progressed through the aisles.
At one point, however, I stopped for a minute to read a label on a product.
I glanced back at the cart and Saige was poking Mason's arm with her fingers.
I said "Saige, Nana told you to keep your hands on the wheel at all times!"
She replied, "Yes, but now we're stopped at a red light, and I have to text!"

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