Gardener Jokes
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!
What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog!
What's the best part of gardening?
Getting down and dirty with my hoes
What kind of socks do you need to plant vegetables?
Garden hose!
Who's funnier than a goofy gardener?
A Jolly Rancher.
What water yields the most beautiful veggie garden?
Perspiration!
What new crop did the gardener plant?
Beets me!
What grows under your nose?
Tulips!
Where do farmers send their kids to grow?
Kinder-garden.
Gardeners earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, turn-ip the covers, en-dive into bed!
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where's popcorn?
What do you get when you cross a gardener and some trendy headphones?
Beets by Dre.
Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was ahead!
Why were the baby strawberries crying?
Their ma and pa were in a jam
What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?
Squash
Why was the cucumber mad?
Because it was in a pickle!
What did the George Michael say to the gardener?
Rake Me Up Before You Hoe Hoe.
What grows when fed but dies when watered?
Fire.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing!
Let's have a garden party......Lettuce turnip the beet.
I was really impressed by the gardener I saw the other day. He was out standing in his field.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wheel barrow
Wheel barrow who?
Wheel barrow one pair of gloves please.
Vegetable Garden
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her organic vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her organic tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red organic tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect organic garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
Three Girls
Three girls named Marie, Alexis and Taylor were driving through the country, when all of a sudden their car stalls. Marie remembers seeing a farm a little ways back, so her and Alexis walk to the farm, leaving Taylor guarding the car.
When Marie and Alexis get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable, whatever, just get something from the garden. Marie grabs a turnip, and Alexis grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Taylor walks in. He tells Taylor to do the same as they just did, and Taylor heads off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Marie and Alexis to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies. Marie laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Alexis laughs and she gets killed too.
So they are floating out of their bodies, and Alexis asks Marie why she died. Marie said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too funny. Marie then asked Alexis why she laughed, Alexis said: "I saw Taylor coming around the corner with a pineapple!
Cinderella:
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."
Painting
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."