Did you hear about the circus clown funeral?
All his friends came in one car.
Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
There's one less drunk.
Did you hear McDonald killed Burger King in front of Five Guys over that skank Wendy?
The funeral is at White Castle. I'm taking Dairy Queen.
Everytime I go to a wedding my grandpa pokes me and says, " You're Next"
So then everytime i go to a funeral with him, i poke him and say, " You're next."
What did Kanye West say at patrick swayze's funeral?
"I'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute. but Michael Jackson had the best death of the year."
Yo mama so chatty she gave a eulogy at her own funeral.
I am making it my job to put the "fun" back into "funeral."
A man has just died in a tragic car accident. The priest during the ceremony continues with the compliments: - The deceased was a good husband, an excellent Catholic, an exemplary father! ...
The widow turns to one of her children and whispers in her ear:
- Go in the box and see if it's your father who is inside.
Mary is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon there after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Mary is engaged to be married a third time.
Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Mary as she lies in her coffin,
looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean
Mary and her first husband, or Mary and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, "No."
Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"
"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."
During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper.
As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.
"Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband
Alex and three of his surfing buddies have gone surfing every Saturday for nearly thirty years.
One Saturday, the guys are surfing near a highway when a funeral processional drives by.
Well, Alex lays down his board in the water, stands up on his board and places his hand over his heart.
This processional is huge and takes nearly five minutes to pass.
Once it passes, Alex sits down on his board and waits for the next wave.
Needless to say his buddies are floored by his actions.
One of 'em finally speaks up and says, "that sure was a respectful thing you did there when they went by."
Alex replied, "It seems the least I could do seeing as how I've been married to the woman for over thirty years!"
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.
Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Donald Trumps Wake
When Donald Trump died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. Trump called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.
"Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."
"Rest assured, Mrs. Trump," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving Donald's ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. Trump offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.