Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room. Sex-ed is so advanced now, they also give homework!
I heard my daughter tell her friend she ate her boyfriend's cock last night. Last time I checked she didn't like chicken for dinner!
My son and his friends are great. They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home!
My husband is so thoughtful...I overheard him say he gave his secretary a cream pie.
My son's black friends always ask me if I can "make it clap"...of course I can? All I need is two hands.
My daughter's boyfriend always checks her for breast cancer...How considerate.
My son's black friends must be bad at basketball...They keep talking about how they want to double team me.
My son used a whole box of tissues last week ... He must be really sick.
My son wants to make video games when he grows up. So it's important he plays as much as he can to learn.
My son is in his room watching "human reproduction videos" for his science class.
I put the oregano in my sons room all over my spaghetti and now everything has been so funny for me.
My son's friend said he wanted to get "stoned"...What a horrible way to die. Why would he say that?
My son sent a text to his girlfriend saying "Im gonna tear that pussy up". He's grounded! Animal abuse is NOT tolerated in this household!
I think my daughter secretly love's star wars, I found a vibrating light saber under her bed!
My daughter missed her period, she must be the new virgin mary
I swear bugs fly near my head just to watch me slap myself.
My son is always tending to his in-home garden...I never understood why he grows his plants in the closet though.
My daughter is such a great tutor...Every boy in school is always leaving her room with a big smile on their face.
My son and his friend always talk about getting that weed, never knew they took gardening so seriously.
My sons friend keep asking me if my back door is open. They must love the new pool!
My husband has been coming home late because he's been training his new secretary. He's so considerate.
My son always deletes the history on his laptop...He's always thinking of ways to make it run faster! Smart boy.
My son's bedroom is filled with beer bottles. I'm so glad he decided to start recycling!
Vodka is made from potatoes, potatoes are vegetables, and vegetables are good for you. I guess I should let my kids drink!
My son can be so clumsy sometimes! I heard him say he broke his girlfriend's cherry!
I think its adorable when my teen daughter has sleepovers! All of my friends were boys at that age too!
My daughter threw up all night after going out with her friends ... The flu strikes quickly!
My son said he finally came out of the closet. He must be playing hide and seek!
My daughter set up a pole in her room...I Guess she thinks the roof will cave in or something.
My son always smells like smoke... He must get invited to Lots of bon fires
I heard my daughter tell her boyfriend she wants to eat his banana. I'm so glad she has decided to start eating healthier!
My sons hispanic girlfriend must be teaching him Spanish, she's always yelling "rapido, rapido!"
I think my son's friend wants to fix up my car...He told me he'd give me the best rim job ever.
My son just went out to buy new "rubbers"... We used to call them "erasers" when I was in school.
My daughter is always talking about getting the D...She better pull her grades up or she will be grounded.
My son said he wants to be a drug dealer...I think he meant pharmacist though! Cute kid.
I found used condoms in the trash ... they probably just ran out of water balloons.
I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ... Im so glad he found a good religious girl.
My son's friends always talk about how they'd love to run a train with me. I'm not sure why they think I know anything about locomotives.
My daughter sent a text to her boyfriend saying that she wants a big cock for her birthday…Why would she want a pet rooster?
My son wants to be a pilot he's always talking about getting high.
My son said he was laying pipe at his girlfriend's house. He must be quite the handyman.
I always hear my son on the phone saying "Can I hit that?". I really have to sit down with him and talk about domestic violence.
My daughter's Spanish tutor really wants her to pass his class...She's been in her room with him shouting "Me Gusta!" all afternoon.
My daughter taught me that new dance called "twerking". My son's black friends love when I do it for them.
My daughter told me she knows how to work the poles. I'm sure she meant "polls" she's such a politician
So my husband's been chatting with this hot 13 year old girl online. Yesterday she told him that she is an undercover cop, how cool is that!
My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes...Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.
Im so popular ... All the neighborhood boys bought me yoga pants for christmas
My sons friends all must have lisps because they always ask me for a glass of Milf.
I've been hearing moans from my daughters room all night. Her back pains sure are getting bad.
I got pulled over drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn't even know I was driving
My daughter said she got the D! So I told her to bring her grades up!
My son gave me some sticky green stuff to mix into the brownie batter...glad to know he's eating his green veggies!
I guess my son doesn't like his girlfriend's parents, because he always goes over to her house when they aren't home.
My kids were talking about the Adele song Rolling a Joint and I corrected them. It's Rolling in the deep.
I think my daughter wants to be a policewoman when she gets older ... She has a pair of handcuffs under her bed.
My daughter must have a Biology project cause I found a pregnancy test in the bathroom.
My son's black friend asked me if I could handle his "long pipe"...I was more than happy to give him my plumber's number.
My son got in trouble for telling his teacher he wants a hand job...But why? I think it's wonderful he wants to be more hands on at school.
I heard my husband telling his friend that he rammed his secretary. I better check the car insurance to see if they will pay for her car!
My daughter and her boyfriend are cute sleeping in the bed together, I wonder what they're dreaming about with all the yelling and movement!
Cop: "Sir, what's in the bottle next to you?
Dad: "It's water"
Cop: "Sir, this is wine"
Dad: "What? Jesus! He did it again!"
"Mom, I`m hungry."
"Hi, Hungry. I`m Mom."
"Mom, I`m serious."
"I thought you were Hungry?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Nope, I`m Mom."
Son: Can I go to a 50 Cent concert?
Dad: Here's $1, take your sister too!