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Clean Disney Jokes
Q: Why are there no planes where peter pan lives?
A: Because there is a sign that says "Never Neverland"!
Q: Why did Mickey go into outerspace?
A: To find Pluto!
Q: Why was Tigger in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh!
Q: What did snow white say when her photos weren't ready yet?
A: Some Day My Prints Will come!
Q: Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
A: Because she always ran away from the ball!
Q: What kind of vehicles do Disney characters drive?
A: Minnie Vans!
Q: What does Ariel like on her toast?
A: Mermalade!
Q: What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas Carol?
A: Jungle Bells!
Q: Why was Cinderella so very bad at soccer?
A: Because she was always running away from the ball, kept losing her shoes, and she had a pumpkin for a coach!
Q: Why does peter pan fly?
A: 'Cause he never never lands
Q: Why do people go to Disneyland?
A: So they can get a little goofy!
Q: What did Mickey say when Minnie asked him if he was listening?
A: "I'm all ears!"
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into outer space?
A: He wanted to find Pluto.
Q: Why did Dopey take a box of crayons with him into the bedroom?
A: Snow White asked him to draw the curtains.
Q: What do you get if you cross Donald with a whale?
A: Moby Duck.
Q: What's Minnie's favorite thing to wear?
A: A Minnie-skirt.
Q: Why do airplane pilots always fly past Peter Pan's home?
A: They see the sign that says Never Land.
Q: What is Grumpy's favorite fruit?
A: Sour Grapes.
Q: Why did Sleepy take firewood to bed with him?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: How does Mickey feel when Minnie is mad at him?
A: Mouserable.
Q: What do you call Daisy Duck when she leads the orchestra?
A: A con-duck-tor.
Q: What does Baloo need to live?
A: The Bear Necessities.
Q: What do you get when you cross Pooh and a skunk?
A: Winnie the P.U.
Q: Where does Ariel go when one of her friends is missing?
A: The Lost-and-Flounder Department.
Q: Why did Goofy wear two pairs of pants when he played golf?
A: He thought he might get a hole in one.
Q: Why does Snow White always treat each of the Seven Dwarfs equally?
A: Because she's the fairest of them all.
Q: Why did Jasmine go to the fruit stand in the Marketplace?
A: She was looking for a date.
Q: How does Clarabelle Cow feel when she's sad?
A: Moo-dy
Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn't bathe for a year?
A: Stinker Bell
Q: What kind of vegetable do you get when Dumbo walks through your garden?
A: Squash
Q: What do you get when you cross Huey, Dewey & Louie with a cow?
A: Quackers and Milk
Q: Do you know why Mickey Mouse bought a telescope?
A: Because he wanted to see Pluto.
Q: What did Mickey Mouse say when Minnie Mouse Asked if he was listening?
A: I'm all ears!
Q: Why did Snow White wait outside the Main Street Photo Supply Co. in Disneyland?
A: She had been told that someday her Prints would come.
Q: What did the 101 Dalmatians say after eating diner?
A: That hit the spot.
Q: When does Mickey put up his new calendar?
A: On new ears eve.
Q: Which state reminds Mickey of his gal?
A: Minniesota
Q: How did Mickey feel when he first saw Minnie?
A: It was glove at first sight.
Q: What is Mickey’s favorite treat?
A: Mice cream
Q: What does Donald wear to a famous Hollywood party?
A: A Duxedo
Q: What is a pirates’ favorite restaurant?
A: Arrrgh-by’s
Q: Why did the pirate take his mother to the movie theater with him?
A: Because the movie was rated “arrrrrrrrrrgh”
Q: Why did Goofy stare at the label on the orange juice all day?
A: Because the carton said concentrate.
Q: Why did Woody give Bullseye some cough syrup?
A: Because he was horse.
Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
A: She kept running away from the ball.
Q: How cold was it at Disney World?
A: Donald Duck was seen wearing pants!
Disney Pick Up Lines
"Let's play Pinocchio. You sit on my face and I'll tell you lies."
"Hi my name is Mickey, and there is nothing Minnie about me!"
"Hey there beautiful, we should go back to my place and play with my toys named Woody and Buzz"
"Girl, let me open your thighs, take you wonder by wonder, over, sideways and under, on a magic carpet ride!"
"Yes, thats a magic lamp in my pants, and if you rub it a genie will come out and grant you wishes!"
"I wish I was Winnie The Pooh, so I can get my nose stuck in your honey pot!"
"Hi I'm Buzz...wanna see my Woody?"
"Let's go back to my place and play with my flubber!"
"Girl, if you get in the backseat of my car, I'll make you squeal like Piglet."
"Is your name Winnie?, because I want to stick it in your pooh!"
"They don't call me thumper for nothing!"
You can be my beauty, I'll be your Beast. Let's go make love, or a blowjob at least?
"Is your name Ariel, because I want you to be a party of your worldddddd!"
"I'm a forgetful Dory and I Lost my Nemo can I sleep with you?"
"Boy, how bout I take you home and we can Hakuna Ma-TaTas"
"Hey, there Beauty, the Beast is in my underwear"
"After a night with me you'll want to spend more time in bed than Sleeping Beauty"
The Top Ten Signs You Have An Unhealthy Disney Obsession
10. You know how many hairs are on the leg of the drunken pirate sitting on the bridge.
9. You have more Disney movies than Blockbuster.
8. Your favorite song is "Zippity-Doo-Dah".
7. When you hear people talking about "the underprivileged", you assume they are referring to those who have to stay off-site.
6. You refer to Wal-Mart and McDonald's employees as "cast members".
5. You've added spires and turrets to the roof of your house.
4. You tried to pay your electric bill with Disney Dollars.
3. Your children's names are Ariel and Alladin.
2. You pray that nobody will ever discover your dirty little secret: That you sneak out of bed in the middle of the night, logon to the internet, and drool over online pictures of WDW.
1. You're reading this.
Dirty Disney Jokes
Q: Did you hear how Captain Hook died?
A: Jock Itch!
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Gag!
Q: Why do the seven dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls
Q: How do you kill the hunchback of Notre Dame?
A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"
Q: What did Mulan and her husband name their retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong!
Q: Why doesn't Bambi's friend Thumper make noise when he has sex?
A: Because he has cotton balls.
Q: What's pink and has seven dents?
A: Snow White's cherry!
Q: What does Prince Naveen do when his dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger
Q: Whats the best thing about Pocahontas in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back and she looks 15...
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to fuck your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum. She pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy."
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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