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Disney Jokes

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Clean Disney Jokes

Q: Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will Let it go.

Q: How do you keep Pumba from charging you?
A: Take away his credit cards!

Q: Why didn't Anna & Elsa's parents teach them the whole alphabet?
A: 'Cause they got lost at C.

Q: Why are there no planes where peter pan lives?
A: Because there is a sign that says "Never Neverland"!

Q: Why did Mickey go into outerspace?
A: To find Pluto!

Q: What did Nala say to Simba during the stampede?
A: Move fasta (Mufasa)

Q: What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig?
A: A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.

Q: Why was Tigger in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh!

Q: Why does Alice ask so many questions?
A: 'Cause she is in "Wonder"land.

Q: What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
A: Hunny!

Q: What does Mickey Mouse use to browse the Web?
A: An iPad Minnie!

Q: What's Peter Pan's favorite restaurant?
A: Wendy's!

Q: Where can you find a little mermaid?
A: Under the sea!

Q: What do you call Wall-E's cousin who cleans floors?
A: Floor-E duh!

Q: What did snow white say when her photos weren't ready yet?
A: Some Day My Prints Will come!

Q: What does Olaf eat for lunch?
A: Icebergers.

Q: Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
A: Because she always ran away from the ball!

Q: What kind of vehicles do Disney characters drive?
A: Minnie Vans!

Q: What does Ariel like on her toast?
A: Mermalade!

Q: What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas Carol?
A: Jungle Bells!

Q: Why was Cinderella so very bad at soccer?
A: Because she was always running away from the ball, kept losing her shoes, and she had a pumpkin for a coach!

Q: Why does peter pan fly?
A: 'Cause he never never lands

Q: Why do people go to Disneyland?
A: So they can get a little goofy!

Q: What is Clarabelle's favorite party game?
A: Moo-sical chairs

Q: How many men does it take to whoop a tiger?
A: None. Mowgli can do it all by himself!

Q: How does Clarabelle Cow feel when she's sad?
A: Moo-dy

Q: What is Cupid's favorite food?
A: Passion fruit.

Q: Why did Simba's father die?
A: Because he couldn't Mu-fasa (move faster)

Q: Why did Woody give Bullseye some cough syrup?
A: Because he was hoarse.

Q: What did Mickey say when Minnie asked him if he was listening?
A: "I'm all ears!"

Q: What is Mickey Mouse's favorite sport?
A: Minnie-golf!

Q: How do you catch Chip N Dale?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into outer space?
A: He wanted to find Pluto.

Q: Why did Jasmine go to the fruit stand in the Marketplace?
A: She was looking for a date.

Q: What do you call a dancing ghost?
A: Polka-haunt-us

Q: Why couldn't Cinderella win the bicycle race?
A: She has a pumpkin for a coach!

Q: Why did Dopey take a box of crayons with him into the bedroom?
A: Snow White asked him to draw the curtains.

Q: What do you get if you cross Donald with a whale?
A: Moby Duck.

Q: What's Minnie's favorite thing to wear?
A: A Minnie-skirt.

Q: Why do airplane pilots always fly past Peter Pan's home?
A: They see the sign that says Never Land.

Q: What is Grumpy's favorite fruit?
A: Sour Grapes.

Q: Why did Sleepy take firewood to bed with him?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: How does Mickey feel when Minnie is mad at him?
A: Mouserable.

Q: What do you call Daisy Duck when she leads the orchestra?
A: A con-duck-tor.

Q: What does Baloo need to live?
A: The Bear Necessities.

Q: What kind of blush does Mulan wear?
A: Mulan Rouge

Q: What do you get when you cross Pooh and a skunk?
A: Winnie the P.U.

Q: Why does Alice ask so many questions?
A: Because she’s in Wonderland.

Q: What’s the Cheshire Cat’s favorite drink?
A: Evaporated Milk

Q: How much does Izzy the pirate pay to get her ear peirced?
A: A buck an ear

Q: What did the Daisy Duck say when she bought lipstick?
A: Put it on my bill.

Q: Where does Ariel go when one of her friends is missing?
A: The Lost-and-Flounder Department.

Q: What do you get when you cross Huey, Dewey & Louie with a cow?
A: Quackers and Milk

Q: Why did Goofy wear two pairs of pants when he played golf?
A: He thought he might get a hole in one.

Q: Why does Snow White always treat each of the Seven Dwarfs equally?
A: Because she's the fairest of them all.

Q: Why did Jasmine go to the fruit stand in the Marketplace?
A: She was looking for a date.

Q: How does Clarabelle Cow feel when she's sad?
A: Moo-dy

Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn't bathe for a year?
A: Stinker Bell

Q: What kind of vegetable do you get when Dumbo walks through your garden?
A: Squash

Q: What do you get when you cross Huey, Dewey & Louie with a cow?
A: Quackers and Milk

Q: Where does Olaf keep his money?
A: In a snow bank.

Q: Do you know why Mickey Mouse bought a telescope?
A: Because he wanted to see Pluto.

Q: What did Mickey Mouse say when Minnie Mouse Asked if he was listening?
A: I'm all ears!

Q: Why did Snow White wait outside the Main Street Photo Supply Co. in Disneyland?
A: She had been told that someday her Prints would come.

Q: What did the 101 Dalmatians say after eating diner?
A: That hit the spot.

Q: When does Mickey put up his new calendar?
A: On new ears eve.

Q: Which state reminds Mickey of his gal?
A: Minniesota

Q: What do you call a dog who bites Queen Elsa?
A: a pupsicle.

Q: How did Mickey feel when he first saw Minnie?
A: It was glove at first sight.

Q: What is Mickey’s favorite treat?
A: Mice cream

Q: What does Donald wear to a famous Hollywood party?
A: A Duxedo

Q: What is Captain Hooks favorite restaurant?
A: Arrrgh-by’s

Q: Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
A: From the second hand store.

Q: Why did the pirate take his mother to the movie theater with him?
A: Because the movie was rated “arrrrrrrrrrgh”

Q: Why did Goofy stare at the label on the orange juice all day?
A: Because the carton said concentrate.

Q: Why did Woody give Bullseye some cough syrup?
A: Because he was horse.

Q: What do you call a cow that can cut the grass?
A: Mulan.

Q: Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
A: She kept running away from the ball.

Q: What kind of makeup does Mulan wear?
A: Mulan Rouge.

Q: Where do disney characters enjoy shopping the most?
A: at the Minnie-mart!

Q: Why does Peter Pan always fly?
A: Cause he Neverlands!

Q: How cold was it at Disney World?
A: Donald Duck was seen wearing pants!

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
You Who?
Yoo Hoo Big Summer Blowout.

My little sister’s password for the Disney website is "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto" I asked her why, She said: "They told me to use 4 characters"

I blame Disney for making me believe that everything will have a happy ending

Disney executives often encourage paramedics to only declare a person dead after they are off Disney property, as to not kill the 'Magic'.

Learn to NEVER look back. If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoes, she wouldn't of become a princess.

Disney Channel should just stop making new shows and replay all the old ones.

If cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?

My grades are so bad, not even Fix It Felix could fix them.

Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.

In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.

My Disney Channel was "Even Stevens", "That's so Raven", & "Lizzie McGuire" It didn't involve talking fish or 11 year olds in high school.

I like how in the Lion King, the darkest lion is the murderer. Way to go

DisneyWorld is a people trap set by a mouse.

What was Captain Hooks name when he had two hands?

Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping beauty let her whole life pass by, Belle fell in love with a beast..."

In the Lion King, what was Scar's name before he got the scar?

Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.

Finding Nemo 2 is gonna be better than Taken 2 even though they're the same storyline.

If Cinderella can get her prince charming without taking her dress off, then so can you.

Two men raised Simba and he turned out just fine.

Donald duck - The original Angry Bird.

These two people named Jane and Michael were walking out on the street and bumped into each other and Jane said, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."
Michael replied "What's the name of his other leg?"

Dirty Disney Jokes

Q: Did you hear how Captain Hook died?
A: Jock Itch!

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Gag!

Q: Why do the seven dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls

Q: How do you kill the hunchback of Notre Dame?
A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"

Q: What did Mulan and her husband name their retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong!

Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger

Q: Why doesn't Bambi's friend Thumper make noise when he has sex?
A: Because he has cotton balls.

Q: What's pink and has seven dents?
A: Snow White's cherry!

Q: Why did Chip n Dale take Daisy Duck to the hospital?
A: Because they busted a nut inside of her.

Q: What do Viagra and Disney Land have in common?
A: They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!

Q: What does Prince Naveen do when his dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

Q: Whats the best thing about Pocahontas in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back and she looks 15...

Q: How do frogs die?
A: They kermit suicide!

Q: Why does Piglet always smell so bad?
A: Because Piglet is always playing with Pooh

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

Q: Why did the seven dwarves go to jail?
A: They sold all there gems for hi-hoes!

Q: What does Justin Bieber and Pinocchio have in common?
A: They both want to be real boys.

Q: What is Mickey's favorite weapon?
A: A Minnie-Uzi!

What do Mickey Mouse and Micheal Jackson have in common?
They both have black with white faces, wear gloves, and like to play with children.

Q: Why do Chip N Dale sit on their butts all day?
A: To keep their nuts dry!

Q: Why can't miss piggy count to one hundred?
A: Because every time she gets to sixty nine she gets a frog in her throat.

Q: Wanna know something about Pinocchio?
A: His nose ain’t the only piece of wood that grows.

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Tarzan flying through the air,
Tarzan lost his underwear,
Tarzan say "me no care"
Jane make me another pair

The Princess in the castle prison spots the Frog and tells him "Let me kiss you my dear Frog, so you can turn into the handsome Prince that will recue me! ".
The Frog takes a hit from a joint, and removes his Oakley glasses to reply; "Ahhh, that was in the old story. Now you have to give me a blow job"

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to fuck your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum. She pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy."

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

The Lone Ranger and tonto were riding through the prarie when all of a sudden tonto stops and puts his ear to the ground,
The Lone Ranger says "What are you doing tonto?"
Tonto says " kemosabbie, buffalo come"
The Lone Ranger then says, "how can you tell?"
Tonto replies " ear sticky"

Your fanny should be called Jasmine cause it's always got Aladdin

That awkward moment when you're watching The Lion King and realize Simba got laid during the song "Can You Feel The Love Tonight."

I can't move to Orlando because Mickey Mouse is 100 yrs old and he still plays with kids

Yo mama so ugly she broke fix-it-Felix jr.'s hammer.

I get high. I walk outside. the wind is blowing. it's raining leaves. I feel like pocahontas

Disney Pick Up Lines

"Let's play Pinocchio. You sit on my face and I'll tell you lies."

"Hi my name is Mickey, and there is nothing Minnie about me!"

Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other!

"Hey there beautiful, we should go back to my place and play with my toys named Woody and Buzz"

"Girl, let me open your thighs, take you wonder by wonder, over, sideways and under, on a magic carpet ride!"

"Yes, thats a magic lamp in my pants, and if you rub it a genie will come out and grant you wishes!"

"I wish I was Winnie The Pooh, so I can get my nose stuck in your honey pot!"

"Hi I'm Buzz...wanna see my Woody?"

"Let's go back to my place and play with my flubber!"

"Girl, if you get in the backseat of my car, I'll make you squeal like Piglet."

"Is your name Winnie?, because I want to stick it in your pooh!"

"They don't call me thumper for nothing!"

I’m not Rapunzel, but I’ll still let you pull my hair.

Hi, I'm Andy. Wanna play with my Woody?

You can be my beauty, I'll be your Beast. Let's go make love, or a blowjob at least?

"Is your name Ariel, because I want you to be a party of your worldddddd!"

Hey Beauty, can I introduce you to my Beast?

"I'm a forgetful Dory and I Lost my Nemo can I sleep with you?"

"Boy, how bout I take you home and we can Hakuna Ma-TaTas"

"Hey, there Beauty, the Beast is in my underwear"

"After a night with me you'll want to spend more time in bed than Sleeping Beauty"

Romeo has Juliet. Barbie has Ken. Mickey has Minnie. Edward has Bella. Cinderella has her prince, and me? I have you.

The Top Ten Signs You Have An Unhealthy Disney Obsession

10. You know how many hairs are on the leg of the drunken pirate sitting on the bridge.

9. You have more Disney movies than Blockbuster.

8. Your favorite song is "Zippity-Doo-Dah".

7. When you hear people talking about "the underprivileged", you assume they are referring to those who have to stay off-site.

6. You refer to Wal-Mart and McDonald's employees as "cast members".

5. You've added spires and turrets to the roof of your house.

4. You tried to pay your electric bill with Disney Dollars.

3. Your children's names are Ariel and Alladin.

2. You pray that nobody will ever discover your dirty little secret: That you sneak out of bed in the middle of the night, logon to the internet, and drool over online pictures of WDW.

1. You're reading this.

Funny Disney Trivia

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

In a Disney comic called "Mickey Mouse and the Medicine Man", Goofy and Mickey become drug dealers.

The pavement in Disney World's Epcot is a specific hue of pink to make the grass look greener.

Jackie Chan provided the speaking and singing voice of Beast in the Chinese version of Disney's "Beauty and the Beast."

Pocahontas was actually a nickname that meant "frisky." Her birth name was Matoaka.

Pocahontas was only 11 when she met the 28 years old John Smith.

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