What are the only two seasons in the Midwest?
Winter and Construction.
Why did the construction worker dip his finger in blue ink?
To get a blue print.
Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Oh sorry I'm still working on it.
How do construction workers party?
They raise the roof.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use?
What are the only two seasons in the South?
Football and Construction.
What does a carpenter have in common with a volleyball player?
They both like to hammer spikes.
Who was the worlds first carpenter?
Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.
Why are lesbians lousy construction workers?
They don't know how to handle wood.
What's the difference between you and a nail?
A nail gets hammered all the time but you don't.
I find construction work to be riveting.
One time, there was a boy named Johnnie who asked his mom if she wanted to play.
She said "No Johnnie, why don't you go next door and see those construction
workers build that house." So Johnnie goes outside and watches them. Then he
comes in 6 hours later and his mom asks, "Johnnie what did you do" and he
replies, "Well, first we had to put the goddamn door up, but the muthafucker
didn't fit, so we had to take the cocksucker back down again, shave a few pussy
hairs off, and put the piece of shit back up again."
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.
So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle.
Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?"
The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"
There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
Then he said to the Korean guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired."
So they all go off to go get their work done.
At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy. Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy. Then he couldn't find the Korean guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Korean guy??"
All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, " SUPPLIES!"
Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"
The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"
Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, "Why do you keep throwing out every other nail?"
The first blonde replied, "Because their point is on the wrong end."
The second blonde then said, "You airhead, those nails are for the other side of the roof!"
Okay so there was these three men that worked at a construction site.
Well, one day they sat down and opened their lunch.
The African guy opened up his lunch and got grits.
He said that if he got rice again tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building.
The Mexican opened up his lunch and got a burrito.
He said that if he gets a burrito again tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building also.
The blonde opened up his lunch and he got chicken.
He said that if he got chicken tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building too.
Well, the next day the African guy opened up his lunch and he got grits again so he jumped.
The Mexican opened up his and he got a burrito again so he jumped.
The Blonde opened up his and he got chicken again so he jumped.
At their funeral the African's wife said "If I would have known he didn't want grits I would have packed something different".
The Mexican's wife said "If I would have known he didn't want a burrito I would have packed him something different".
The Blonde's wife looked up and said "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
Paddy applies for a job on building site and the foreman asks him if he can drive a forklift, to which paddy says he can. Then the foreman asks paddy if he can make tea. Paddy replies " how big is the tea pot "