Butcher Jokes
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?
He got behind in his work.
What is it when one butcher spies on another butcher?
A steak out.
What happens when a butcher laughs too hard?
He Cowlapses!
What do you call someone who steals from the butcher?
A hamburglar.
Why did the butcher retire?
He was cut off in his prime!
Where did the butcher go to dance?
At the Meat ball.
What do you call a butcher who lost his cattle?
Nobody's herd.
Where can you find the butchers scene in the latest Avengers film?
On the cutting room floor.
Why don't butchers like dildos and tofu?
Because they are both meat substitutes.
What do you call a butcher who dresses up for Comic Con?
"Obi Wan Baloney"
Did you hear about the butcher who was arrested for being a Russian spy?
Apparently there was more to him than meats the eye.
There is a butcher and is 6"5 what does he weigh?
Meat, cause butchers weigh meat.
A butcher goes on a first date and says "It was nice meating you"
A butcher says to his boss "I am done with this job now I am baking/bacon."
Sniff Test
A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"
The Foreigner
Once there was a man that came from Germany to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly"
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."
Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?"
The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The police man said "any last words?"
And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."
The Lawyer
A lawyer's dog, runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
An angry butcher goes to the lawyer's office and politely asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer smiles and answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was unleashed and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
Amazing Dog
There's this butcher and one day as he turned to go home a dog stopped him an d there was a note in his mouth.
The note read "Can I have a steak and three sausage links please?"
The butcher took the note and gathered the things.
When he turned back around he was surprised to see a twenty dollar bill in the dog's mouth.
The dog grabbed the meat in a bag and padded off.
The astounded butcher closed up shop and followed the amazing dog.
The pair soon came to a bus stop. The dog looked at the schedule and sat down on the bench.
The first bus came and the dog got up and trotted over to the front of the bus, looked at the number and sat back down.
Another bus came and again the dog looked at the bus number and saw it was the right one.
He got on, the butcher closely following. The bus rumbled on and the dog jumped up walked to the front of the bus, leaped up and grabbed the leaver to stop the bus.
As the dog got out with the butcher in tow he set down the meat at the beggining of a walkway and ran all the way up and banged his head against the door of a nice house.
The dog did it again and hopped up on a fence to peer in the window. The canine knoked on the window with his head and jumped back to the end of the walkway, grabbed the meat and walked up to the door.
The door opened and a man walked out and started to yell at the dog.
The butcher ran up to stop him. The butcher said" what are you doing? This dog is amazing,"
"What are you talking about, This is the second time he's forgot his key!"