Blind Jokes


What do you call a blind dinosaur?
adoyouthinkhesaurus.

How did Ray Charles meet his wife?
Blind date.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the heck out of the dog.

What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater?
"That's the most violent book I've ever read."

What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
Good morning ladies.

What do you call a Blind German?
a Not see.

What is the definition of confusion?
3 blind lesbians in a fish market.

What has two eyes but can not see?
Stevie Wonder.

What do you call Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis?
Endless Love

Have you ever seen Helen Keller's dog?
Neither has she.

How do you punish a blind man?
Rearrange the furniture.

How do you blind an Asian woman?
You put a windshield in front of him.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.

How do you blind an Irish woman?
You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.

Chuck Norris has brail on his boots so even blind people know when it's coming.

Did you hear about the blind hooker...... you really have to hand it to her.

My brother set me up with a blind date. I think her name was Keller!

I went to dinner with this guy and he kept trying to guess my ethnicity. That's the last time I go on a color blind date.

Yo mama so ugly the local peeping-tom knocked on her door, and asked her to shut her blinds.

Job Qualifications
A blind man applies for a job at the wood factory, but the manager refuses as he says what can you do, you're blind.
The blind man says I can sniff any piece of wood and tell you what type it is.
The manager says thats useless for my business but just out of curiosity I'd like to see you do it.
The blind man says ok, so the manager gathers all his staff to watch.
He places a piece of wood on a table and says to the blind man, whats this wood?
The blind man replies Pine wood and the manager says great, you got it right.
The manager then places another piece of wood on the table and asks the blind man to sniff it and the blind man says this is Redgum.
The manager says you're right again, thats amazing.
Not to be outdone the manager calls his secretary out of the office and asks her to take all her clothes of and to lay on the table.
She lays on her stomach and the manager says to the blind man, ok whats this one.
The blind man sniffs along the womans naked body and says, "bit tricky this one can you turn it over.
So the manager gets the secretary to lay on her back and the blind man sniffs up and down the womans naked body and says, ahh you can't fool me, thats the shithouse door off a tuna boat.

Blind Golfer
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

" I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

20 Blind Men
Two fraud men go up to 20 blind men and say "Do you want to go on holiday?"
The blind men reply "yeah of course"
So the blind men give the fraud men 2000 each.
The fraud men drive them up to blackpool and put them on the beach, and then go to the pub,
Whilst there they think that the blind men are going to get bored.
So they buy them a ball and give it to them.
The blind men go "Whats this?"
"Its a ball," replies one of the fraud men
"Well we cant see it!"
The fraud men think shit what we gonna do, they spot a donkey with bells round its neck so they go and buy sum bells and wrap them round the ball, and then go back the pub.
Just then an old woman walks in and says "I tell you what the world today its demented"
"Why?" ask the fraud men.
"Because theres 20 blind men kicking shit through a donkey on the beach!"

Park Bench
A blind man is sitting on a park bench.
A Rabbi sits down next to him.
The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh.
Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.
Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!"

Dog
A blind guy with a seeing eye dog walks into a bar.
Suddenly, he starts swinging the dog around on the leash.
The bartender says "SIR STOP!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!"
The blind says "Oh i'm just looking around...

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