Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
What is the definition of "accountant"?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What do accountants do for fun?
Add the telephone book!
Why don't old accountants never die?
They just lose their balance!
What does an accountant do when they are constipated?
Work it out with a pencil.
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?
He doesn't wear a tie and comes in after 8am!
Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......
Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks?
Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said Concentrate.
What's the difference between the male sperm and an accountant?
The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.