Utah Jokes

Short Utah Jokes

Q: What do you get when you crossbreed Utah State football and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football!

Q: How do you get a Utah State grad off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What do you call a Cougar with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call an intelligent person in Cougar Stadium?
A: A visitor.

Q: What did the Utah State Aggie get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Utah?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: How many BYU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: What do you call a BYU student who is single?
A: Provolone.

Q: What's the difference between a Utah State coed and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.

Q: Did you hear about the BYU Honor System?
A: Yes, Your Honor; No, Your Honor.

Q: What do you call a Utah State Aggie in a three-piece suit?
A: The defendant.

Q: How do you know your in front of a Utah firing squad?
A: They are standing in a circle.

Q: What's the difference between the Utah Utes and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: What does an Aggies grad call an Utes grad in 5 years?
A: Boss!

I'm not saying Utah Utes basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.

Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Romney Stadium?
A: Two Aggies fans drowned last year.

Q: Why did the Utah regents decide to cover Rice-Eccles Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because the Utes always look better on paper.

Q: What happens when blondes move from Nevada to Utah?
A: Both states become smarter!

Q: Why aren't Utah State cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.

Q: Why do all the trees in Arizona lean north?
A: Utah Sucks

Q: What does a girl from Logan, Utah do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.

Q: Why do Utah Utes basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".

Q: Why do BYU students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.

Q: Why did Utah disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.

Q: What's the difference between a Weber State diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $50,000 per sheet.

Q: What does it say on the back of every Weber State diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.

Q: Why did the Salt Lake Community College grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?

Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Weber State.

Q: Why should the Utah State Aggies change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.

Q: What's the one thing that keeps Utah Utes basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.

Q: Why did the Aggies football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.

Q: How is a Salt Lake City girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.

Q: What do BYU grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you break a Southern Utah grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: How do you get a Utah State Aggies fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.

Q: Why do Weber State Wildcats fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: Why did Utah change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Utes cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.

Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to Southern Utah.

Q: Whats the difference between Ogden and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.

Q: Why do the Utah Utes eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.

Q: What's the difference between Romney Stadium and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.

Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Arizona-Utah border.

Q: How do you confuse a Weber State student?
A: You can't they were born that way.

Q: How do you get from Salt Lake City to Ogden, Utah?
A: Go north until you smell shit and west until you step in it.

Q: What will you never hear a Southern Utah grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"

Q: Why did the University of Utah decide to put artificial turf in the stadium?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing

Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Utah?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA

Q: How is a Utah Ute like a possum?
A: Both play dead at home and usually die on the road.

Q: What's the difference between BYU fans and a litter of puppies?
A: Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining.

Q: What do you call someone from BYU golfing with an IQ of 120?
A: A foursome!

Q: If you have a car containing a Utes wide receiver, a Utes linebacker, and a Utes defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Utah?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.

Q: How do you casterate an Utah Utes fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: Whats the difference between the Utah and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

Q: Why do Utah State University students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Utah State University campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at Utah State University?
A: They cause too much brain damage!

Q: What should you do if you find three Utah State University football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between an Utah Utes fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Utah?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. How did the Utah Ute grad die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: What do you call a college football program that used to be relevant?
A: BYwho?

Q: How do you get a man in Utah to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes..

Q: What do they call students who go to Utah?
A: Rejects from BYU!

Q: What does a Utah Utes fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.

Q: What do you call an Utah Ute in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.

Q: What do BYU and Utah students have in common?
A: They both got in to Utah

Q: What's the difference between an BYU football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: Did you hear that BYU's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How many BYU grads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!

Q: What are the best four years of an Utah Utes life?
A: Third grade

Q: What does a Utah native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Utah have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.

Q: What do the University of Utah and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Utah?
A. With a restraining order.

Q. What's the first thing an Utah girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.

Q: What do you call an Utah football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!

Q: Why does a Utes fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.

Q: What did the Utah female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!

Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Utes fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Utes games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated

Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Utah?
A: No one would look for them.

Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Utah State Aggies fan and he was a BYU Cougars fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Aggies fan.

He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Aggies fan."

The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"

The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO UTES!"

Sheep Coitus

A BYU Cougars fan and a Utah State Aggies fan were driving along when all of a sudden the BYU fan slams on the brakes.

There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the BYU fan said "We Cougars never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.

Then he says to the Utah State fan, "Your turn"...

And the Aggies fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.

One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.

He Read Aloud "Here Lies A Utah Graduate And A Great Man."

The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It."

The Mom Says "Why Not?"

The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"

I was working at a Workshop in the State of New York; I told my Boss that I was moving to Utah;
the boss said: "Oh, you are moving to Utah; a friend of mine told me this: I don't care how you Brigham, just Brigham Young."

Living Out West
A poor guy lived in New York City He dreamed of living out West but couldn't afford to move out there.
He inherited a million bucks and bought a cabin in the Utah mountains so far back he came down to the store once a month.
He didn't know anything about animals so he'd describe the ones he shot and the storekeeper would tell him what they were.
He came in and said he'd really got something good this time and said it had long white hair, a beard and smelled to high heaven.
The store keeper turned ghostly white and told him to leave the country as fast as he could. The fellow asked what he'd done. The store keeper said " My God man you've killed a Mormon bishop!

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