Short Texas Jokes
Q. What's the difference between a University of Houston sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: What's the only thing that grows in Austin?
A: The Crime Rate!
Q: What's the only thing that grows in Arlington?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!
Q: Why do University of Houston grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Houston campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Texas Tech University library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Why was the delegation from the Dallas Dyslexic Republican Association turned away from the Republican National Convention?
Their placard read: 'We love Taxes'.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Texas's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average Texas Tech University student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Texas?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UT?
A: He wanted an academic challenge!
Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Texas?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
Q: How many Texas Tech freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: What does a Red Raiders grad call a Longhorns grad in 5 years?
A: Boss!
I'm not saying Baylor basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.
Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Jones AT&T Stadium?
A: Two Red Raiders fans drowned last year.
Q: Why did the Texas regents decide to cover Texas Memorial Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because the Longhorns always look better on paper.
Q: What happens when blondes move from Louisiana to Texas?
A: Both states become smarter!
Q: Why aren't UTEP cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.
Q: Why do all the trees in Oklahoma lean south?
A: Texas Sucks
Q: What does a girl from Austin do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.
Q: Why do Texas A&M Aggies basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".
Q: Why do Houston Cougars students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.
Q: Why did Texas disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.
Q: What's the difference between a North Texas diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $50,000 per sheet.
Q: What does it say on the back of every North Texas diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.
Q: Why did the UTEP grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Texas El Paso.
Q: Why did the Longhorns change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps Baylor Bears basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.
Q: Why did the Longhorns football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
Q: How is a Houston girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: What do Longhorns grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you break a North Texas grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What do Texans call OPEC?
A: Oil Pricing Evil Cartel!
Q: How do you get a UTEP fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Q: Where can you message people while driving?
A: Text-us.
Q: Why do Red Raiders fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: Why did Texas change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Longhorns cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to North Texas.
Q: Whats the difference between El Paso and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: Why do the Texas Longhorns eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
Q: What's the difference between Texas Memorial Stadium and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Oklahoma-Texas border.
Q: What do you call "Boomer Sooner!" signs on a lawn at a home in Texas?
A: Home improvement.
Q: How do you confuse a North Texas student?
A: You can't they were born that way.
Q: How do you get from College Station, Texas to Austin, Texas?
A: Go west until you smell shit and south until you step in it.
Q: What will you never hear a North Texas grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"
Q: How do you make University of Texas cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: What do you call a college football team that used to be good?
A: TCwho?
Q: What is the Texas state slogan?
A: Oils Well that ends well.
Q: If you have a car containing a Red Raiders wide receiver, a Red Raiders linebacker, and a Red Raiders defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Texas?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate an Texas Tech fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Why do only 90 percent of Americans feel economic hardship because of $4/gallon gas?
A: The other 10 percent live in Texas!
Q: Whats the difference between the Texas Longhorns and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do Texas Tech students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q: What is 20 feet long and has 5 teeth?
A: The funnel cake line at the Texas state fair.
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Baylor Bears campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Texas?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Texas football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between a Texas Longhorns fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Texas?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Baylor Bear die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: How do you get a man in Texas to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes..
Q: What do they call students who go to Texas Tech?
A: Rejects from Texas!
Q: What does a Baylor Bears fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.
Q: What do you call a Baylor Bear in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What do Texas and Texas Tech students have in common?
A: They both got in to Texas Tech
Q: What's the difference between a Texas Tech football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Texas Tech's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Texas Tech grads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!