Texas Jokes

Short Texas Jokes

Q. What's the difference between a University of Houston sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

Q: What's the only thing that grows in Austin?
A: The Crime Rate!

Q: What's the only thing that grows in Arlington?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!

Q: Why do University of Houston grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Houston campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Texas Tech University library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Why was the delegation from the Dallas Dyslexic Republican Association turned away from the Republican National Convention?
Their placard read: 'We love Taxes'.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Texas's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: What does the average Texas Tech University student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Texas?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UT?
A: He wanted an academic challenge!

Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Texas?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA

Q: How many Texas Tech freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: What does a Red Raiders grad call a Longhorns grad in 5 years?
A: Boss!

I'm not saying Baylor basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.

Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Jones AT&T Stadium?
A: Two Red Raiders fans drowned last year.

Q: Why did the Texas regents decide to cover Texas Memorial Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because the Longhorns always look better on paper.

Q: What happens when blondes move from Louisiana to Texas?
A: Both states become smarter!

Q: Why aren't UTEP cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.

Q: Why do all the trees in Oklahoma lean south?
A: Texas Sucks

Q: What does a girl from Austin do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.

Q: Why do Texas A&M Aggies basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".

Q: Why do Houston Cougars students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.

Q: Why did Texas disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.

Q: What's the difference between a North Texas diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $50,000 per sheet.

Q: What does it say on the back of every North Texas diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.

Q: Why did the UTEP grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?

Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Texas El Paso.

Q: Why did the Longhorns change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.

Q: What's the one thing that keeps Baylor Bears basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.

Q: Why did the Longhorns football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.

Q: How is a Houston girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.

Q: What do Longhorns grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you break a North Texas grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What do Texans call OPEC?
A: Oil Pricing Evil Cartel!

Q: How do you get a UTEP fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.

Q: Where can you message people while driving?
A: Text-us.

Q: Why do Red Raiders fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: Why did Texas change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Longhorns cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.

Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to North Texas.

Q: Whats the difference between El Paso and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.

Q: Why do the Texas Longhorns eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.

Q: What's the difference between Texas Memorial Stadium and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.

Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Oklahoma-Texas border.

Q: What do you call "Boomer Sooner!" signs on a lawn at a home in Texas?
A: Home improvement.

Q: How do you confuse a North Texas student?
A: You can't they were born that way.

Q: How do you get from College Station, Texas to Austin, Texas?
A: Go west until you smell shit and south until you step in it.

Q: What will you never hear a North Texas grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"

Q: How do you make University of Texas cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: What do you call a college football team that used to be good?
A: TCwho?

Q: What is the Texas state slogan?
A: Oils Well that ends well.

Q: If you have a car containing a Red Raiders wide receiver, a Red Raiders linebacker, and a Red Raiders defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Texas?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.

Q: How do you casterate an Texas Tech fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: Why do only 90 percent of Americans feel economic hardship because of $4/gallon gas?
A: The other 10 percent live in Texas!

Q: Whats the difference between the Texas Longhorns and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

Q: Why do Texas Tech students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q: What is 20 feet long and has 5 teeth?
A: The funnel cake line at the Texas state fair.

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Baylor Bears campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Texas?
A: They cause too much brain damage!

Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Texas football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between a Texas Longhorns fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Texas?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. How did the Baylor Bear die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: How do you get a man in Texas to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes..

Q: What do they call students who go to Texas Tech?
A: Rejects from Texas!

Q: What does a Baylor Bears fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.

Q: What do you call a Baylor Bear in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.

Q: What do Texas and Texas Tech students have in common?
A: They both got in to Texas Tech

Q: What's the difference between a Texas Tech football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: Did you hear that Texas Tech's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How many Texas Tech grads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!

Q: What are the best four years of an Texas Tech grads life?
A: Third grade

Q: What does a Texas native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Texas have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.

Q: What do the University of Texas and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Texas?
A. With a restraining order.

Q. What's the first thing an Texas girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.

Q: What do you call a Texas Tech football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!

Q: What is a Longhorns fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Oklahoma."

Q: Why does a Longhorns fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.

Q: How do you stop an Longhorns fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Oklahoma Red!

Q: What did the Texas female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!

Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Red Raiders fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Red Raiders games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated

Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Texas?
A: No one would look for them.

You don't hang Texas boys, Texas boys are well hung

Texas, still the only state where you can get a divorce and still be brother and sister!

My favorite part of winter is watching it on TV from Texas.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Texas who?
Texas are getting higher every year!

Sheep Coitus

A Texas fan and a Nebraska fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Texas fan slams on the brakes.

There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Texas fan said "We Texans never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.

Then he says to the Nebraska fan, "Your turn"...

And the Nebraska fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.

Riding Horses
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!

The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."

Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Texas A&M Aggies fan and he was a Texas Longhorns fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Aggies fan.

He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Texas A&M Aggies fan."

The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"

The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO RED RAIDERS!"

One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.

He Read Aloud "Here Lies A Texas Tech Graduate And A Great Man."

The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It."

The Mom Says "Why Not?"

The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"

Spelling Bee
A Texan was in the finals of the state spelling bee.

"Okay, your word is 'farm,'" the moderator said to the Texan.

He sat there for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. "Um... Can I have a definition?"

"Sure," the moderator said. "It is a plot of agricultural land, used for the raising of crops and livestock."

"Uhhh..." The boy sat there for several more minutes, continuing to ask for alternative pronunciations, word origins, etc. The moderator was getting frustrated. Finally the boy asked, "Uh, can you use it in a sentence?"

"Old MacDonald had a FARM!" the moderator shouted.

"Oh!" said the Texan. "E-I-E-I-O!"

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