Short Tennessee Jokes
Q: What do Tennessee Volunteers do on Halloween?
A: Pump kin!
Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Tennessee burned down?
A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q: What did Tennes-See?
A: The same thing Arkan-saw.
Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Tennessee?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
Q: Why do ducks fly over Tennessee upside down?
A: There's nothing worth craping on!
Q. What's the difference between a University of Memphis sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Tennessee?
A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Tennessee?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Q: How does a man from Tennessee hold up his pants?
A: With a bible belt.
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Tennessee?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: What's the most popular pick up line in Tennessee?
A: Nice tooth!
Q: Why is their no rapes in Tennessee?
A: Iits a volunteer state
Q: What does a Memphis Tigers grad call a Volunteers grad in 5 years?
I'm not saying Memphis basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.
Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium?
A: Two Tigers fans drowned last year.
Q: Why did the Tennessee regents decide to cover Neyland Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because the Volunteers always look better on paper.
Q: What happens when blondes move from Kentucky to Tennessee?
A: Both states become smarter!
Q: Why aren't Austin Peay State cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.
Q: Why do all the trees in Alabama lean north?
A: Tennessee Sucks
Q: What does a girl from Chattanooga do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.
Q: Why do Memphis Tigers basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".
Q: Why do Middle Tennessee State students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.
Q: Why did Tennessee disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.
Q: What's the difference between a Middle Tennessee State diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $50,000 per sheet.
Q: What does it say on the back of every Middle Tennessee State diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.
Q: Why did the Remington College grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Middle Tennessee State.
Q: Why did the Volunteers change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps Memphis Tigers basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.
Q: Why did the Volunteers football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
Q: How is a Chattanooga girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: What do Volunteers grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you break a Middle Tennessee State grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How do you get a Memphis Tigers fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Q: Why do Blue Raiders fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: Why did Tennessee change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Volunteers cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to Middle Tennessee State.
Q: Whats the difference between Chattanooga and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: Why do the Tennessee Volunteers eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
Q: What's the difference between Neyland Stadium and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Alabama-Tennessee border.
Q: How do you confuse a Middle Tennessee State student?
A: You can't they were born that way.
Q: How do you get from Athens, Georgia to Knoxville, Tennessee?
A: Go north until you smell shit and west until you step in it.
Q: What will you never hear a Middle Tennessee State grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"
Q: Why do folks from Tennessee go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 17 and under are not admitted.
Q: Why did Tennessee raise the minimum drinking age to 25?
A: They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Q: How can you tell if someone in Tennessee is married?
A: The tobacco spit stains are on both sides of his pickup truck.
Q: What is 20 feet long and has 5 teeth?
A: The funnel cake line at the Tennessee state fair.
Q: Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UT?
A: He wanted an academic challenge!
Q: Why do University of Memphis grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Memphis campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of Memphis library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Tennessee's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average University of Memphis student get on his SAT?
Q: Why are all the trees in Kentucky leaning to the south?
A: Because Tennessee sucks and Ohio blows.
Q: How many University of Memphis freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: How do you make University of Tennessee cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: If you have a car containing a Volunteers wide receiver, a Volunteers linebacker, and a Volunteers defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Tennessee?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate a Tennessee Volunteers fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Whats the difference between the Tennessee Volunteers and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do Memphis students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Memphis Tigers campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Tennessee?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Tennessee football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between a Tennessee Volunteers fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Tennessee?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Memphis Tiger die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What is the definition of a Tennessee virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..
Q: What do they call students who go to Memphis?
A: Rejects from University of Tennessee!
Q: What does a Tennessee Volunteers fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: What do you call an Tennessee Volunteer in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: Why shouldn't the University of Tennessee be investigated for using hostess' to lure prospective players?
A: They were all Volunteers!
Q: What do University of Tennessee and Memphis students have in common?
A: They both got in to Memphis
Q: What's the difference between a Tennessee football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Tennessee's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Memphis Tigers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of a Memphis Tigers life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a Tennessee native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Tennessee have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What do the University of Tennessee and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Tennessee?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing a Tennessee girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call an Tennessee football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: What is a Volunteers fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Florida."
Q: Why does a Volunteers fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop an Volunteers fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Blue and Orange!
Q: What did the Tennessee female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Volunteers fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Tigers games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Tennessee?
A: No one would look for them.
Tennessee, still the only state where you can get a divorce and still be brother and sister!
Tennessee is played at Wimbledon!
A man walks into a Tennessee store and says, "I would like a orange hat, blue pants, green sweater, and white shoes."
The clerk says, "Are you a Gator fan?"
"Yes," replies the man, "How did you guess, by the color combination?"
"No," answers the clerk, "because this is a hardware store."
Urban Meyer and Fulmer are in a bathroom taking a leak.
Fulmer finishes and starts to walk out of the room when Meyer says down in Florida, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.
Fulmer responds, Up in Tennessee, they teach us not to piss on our hands.
A country bumpkin family from Tennessee decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son.
They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator.
Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
The Tennessee redneck family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!"
Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Memphis Tigers fan and he was a Kentucky Wildcats fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Tigers fan.
He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Memphis Tigers fan."
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"
The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO VOLUNTEERS!"
A man from Texas and a Tennessee man were driving along when all of a sudden the Texas fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Texas man said "We Texans never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Tennessee man, "Your turn"...
And the Tennessee fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.
He Read Aloud "Here Lies A Memphis Graduate And A Great Man."
The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It."
The Mom Says "Why Not?"
The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"