Short Scotland Jokes
How does every Scottish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Whats the difference between a smart Scottish man and a unicorn?
Nothing, they're both fictional characters
What's the difference between Scotland and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What do you call a Scotsman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
Why was Alex McLeish speeding?
To get three points.
What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
Fish and ships
Did you hear the joke invented by a drunk Irishman?
It's called the bagpipes and the Scots still don't get it.
Why were the two Scottish gals travelling in London pissed off?
Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock!
What time was it when the Loch Ness monster ate the Scotland prime minister?
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?
Princess Diana never became a queen of England
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a cock?
A bloke from Scotland.
Why aren't the Scotland football team allowed to own a dog?
Because they can't hold on to a lead.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion!
What does an Owl in Scotland watch?
How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
Someone is blowing into it.
What time does Jamie Murray got to bed?
What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea?
Why do the Scots make better lovers than the Germans?
Because Scots are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.
Whats the difference between Cinderella and the Scotland football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball
Why wasn't Jesus born in Scotland?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What does D.I.A.N.A stand for?
Died In A Nasty Accident.
What do you call a restaurant that only serves pancakes?
All Day Brexit.
B.L.O.K.E.= Basically Lazy Obnoxious Knobs Everything
Why did the bagpipe player cross the road?......I thought while accelerating.
Keep Calm It's Raining.
Row Row Row Your Boat
Gently Down The Stream,
A Carpet Fitters Wet Dream.
"Whit's fur ye'll no go past ye." (Whatever happens is meant to happen)
"You're a wee scunner!" (You are a nuissance)
"Yer bum's oot the windae!" (You're talking rubbish)
"Haud yer wheesht!" (Shut Up)
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa.
"I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied.
He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks as she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre.
But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got feckin Allsorts!
Walking Down The Street
One morning, two Scottish lads are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.
One of the Scottish lads turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!"
His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"
Alex McLeish was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.
He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this fucking mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."
Chap walking through the park at night hears a lady's voice in the bushes! "Fancy a good time, only 5 quid?"
"Why not",he thinks
He is just about to grope the lady when a policeman shines his torch!
"What's going on?",asked the policeman
"Do you mind",replied the chap, "I am about to have sex with my wife!"
"Sorry",said the policeman "didn't realise it was your wife!"
"Neither did I till you shone your bloody torch!" responded the husband.
A Girl In London
Two men in a bar. One says "A girl I met in Edinburgh gave me a sexually transmitted disease".
His mate replies "you were lucky, in Greenock you would have had to pay for it!"
Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island.
The two Scotsmen got together and started a bank;
the two Welshmen got together and started a choir;
the two Irishmen got together and started a fight;
The two Englishmen never spoke to each other - they hadn't been introduced!
A Jumbojet was coming into Glasgow Airport after a long-haul trip from Singapore and the captain opened the intercom and said 'Ladies and gentlemen we are now making our final approach into Heathrow, we hope you've enjoyed flying with RarelyCrash Airways and that we'll see you again soon, please have a safe onward journey' at which point he forgot to turn the intercom off. He turned to the co-pilot and said 'well Roger what plans do you have for the rest of the day?' the co-pilot replied 'My wife will be at the hotel, Mike, and she's got seats booked for a West-End show, I don't know which one, what plans do you have?' The cabin crew and passengers meanwhile are quite enjoying this change from the norm. The captain continued 'as you know my divorce was finalised last week so I'll be taking a long soak in the bath before ordering dinner in my room. I'm thinking that after that I'll call the pretty new blonde stewardess working upstairs, Susanne I think her name is, and take her out for a drink then take her back to my room and give her a damn good seeing to'
At that moment the passengers cheered loudly
and in the upper deck Susanne realised the intercom was still on by accident and she had to get downstairs and let them know. She ran up the aisle and tripped headlong over an old ladys handbag which was poking out into the aisle.
The old lady looked down at the spread-eagled young woman and said 'there's no need to hurry love, he's going to have a bath first'