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Poland Jokes


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Short Poland Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".

Q: How do you sink a polish battleship?
A: Put it in water.

Q: Why did the polack put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.

Q: What happened to the Polish hockey team?
A: They all drowned in spring training.

Q: Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth.

Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

Q: Why are there no Polish doctors?
A: Because you can't write prescriptions with spray paint.

Q: How does every Polish joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Polak and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Polish beauty contest?
A: Me neither.

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.

Q: What does a polish girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.

Q: How do you know if your in front of a Polish firing squad?
A: They are standing in a circle.

Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

Q: How do you know if a Polak has been using a computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.

Q: How do you take census in a Polish village?
A: Roll a quarter down the street, count the legs, divide by two, and subtract one for the Jew who catches it.

Q: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene?
A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.

Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!

Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ?
A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.

Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman?
A: He drove her buggy.

Q: Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door?
A: Dont laugh, it keeps the fish out.

Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used?
A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

Q: Did you know that Russia just bought 12,000 Septic Tanks?
A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade Poland.

Q: What's the motto of the Poland?
A: Every man for himself.

Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
A: They forgot the recipe.

Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.

Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.

Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.

Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.

Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Hindu.

Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"

Q: Why did the Polak sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.

Q: What do Poles do with all their gold medals?
A: Go home and got them bronzed.

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?
The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.

Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a theater?
They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."

Turn Signal

An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working.
He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them.
The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?"
To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."

Accident in Warsaw
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident in Warsaw last night?
A polish family on vacation lost all of their children.
The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom.
The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.

Three Men
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons.
The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.
When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"

Dirty Tampons
A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in there the longest.
First it was the American's turn. The other two locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out.
"That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!"
Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped for breath.
Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room and waited. A week went by, a month, a year.
The German and American heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!"
To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done eating the jelly donuts."

Whore House
Man goes to a whore house. The Madam is out of women but, since the guy is Polish she thinks she can get away with a blow up doll and he will never know the difference.
Being a bit nervous because she has never tried this one before, The Madam waits outside the door.
The Ploack comes out in five minutes. "How was it?", says the Madam.
"I don't know," says the Polak, "I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!"

Jesus
Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian.
Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.
When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"
The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.
When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews."
Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?"
The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tommorrow."
When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?"
He replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!"

Robotic Bartender
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "80."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these days?"

Road Work
A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.
On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed.
But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.
Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.
The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."

New Game Fish
Did you hear about the new game fish the Illinois Department of Natural Resources is trying to breed?
They took a Coho and crossed it with a Walleye. They called it a Kowal.
It had great taste, and fought like hell, but wasn't very large.
So they crossed it with a Muskie, and called it a Kowalski.
It has the best of everything: it fights hard, it tastes great, and it grows up to 50 inches.
The only problem is they're having trouble teaching to swim!

Polish Vodka
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka.
As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka.
Since I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."

To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other.
"This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot."
But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home.
When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the friggin' Gradowski twins are here again."

Firing Squad
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.
They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!"
They all look and the American runs away.
Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!"
They all hit the dust and the German escapes.
Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"

Phone Call

Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions
Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Polish.
So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss.
So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Itlaian is less developed than that of USA.
LASTLY the Polish man made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent
Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them
"The Polish call was a local call whereas your was an International call"
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