New Zealand Jokes

Short New Zealand Jokes

What do you call a Kiwi with a hundred lovers?
A shepherd.

How does every Kiwi joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.

Whats the difference between a smart Kiwi and a unicorn?
Nothing, they're both fictional characters

What's the difference between New Zealand and a tea bag?
The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

What do you call a Kiwi in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A Referee.

Why was Chris Wood speeding?
To get three points.

What time was it when the monster ate the New Zealand prime minister?
Eight P.M.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a cock?
A kiwi.

Why aren't the New Zealand football team allowed to own a dog?
Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep.

What time does Marina Erakovic got to bed?

What do two kiwi's say after breaking up?
Lets just be cousins.

Why do the Kiwi's make better lovers than the Aussies?
Because Kiwi's are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

Did you hear about the winner of the New Zealand beauty contest?
Me neither.

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the New Zealand rugby team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

What is a Kiwi's defense in court?
"Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass?

Why wasn't Jesus born in New Zealand?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

B.L.O.K.E.= Basically Lazy Obnoxious Knobs Everything

Chewing Gum
An australian went into a bar and sat next to a kiwi who was chewing gum.
The kiwi chewing the gum asked the auzzie if they eat bread in australia,
The auzzie said "Of course, we eat the inside of the bread and take the outside and recycle it then make cereal with it for kiwis."
Then the kiwi chewing on the gum asked if they ate bananas in australia
Then the auzzie said, "Well of course we eat the inside and recycle the rest and make smoothies for kiwis."
Then the kiwi chewing the gum asked 1 more question "do you have sex in australia:"
The man said yes "we use condoms for sex and when we finish with them we recycle it and make gum for kiwis".

Walking Down The Street
One morning, two Kiwis are strolling down an Auckland street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.

One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!"

His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"

Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them.

Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.

Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.

"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.

Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"

As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it...

In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints...

Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!"

Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future New Zealand games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

A Girl In Auckland
Two men in a bar. One says "A girl I met in Auckland gave me a sexually transmitted disease".
His mate replies "you were lucky, in Wellington you would have had to pay for it!"

Deserted Island
Two Kiwis, two Aussies, two Welshmen and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island.
The two Aussies got together and started a bank;
the two Welshmen got together and started a choir;
the two Irishmen got together and started a fight;
The two Kiwis never spoke to each other - they hadn't been introduced!

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