Nevada Jokes
Short Nevada Jokes
Q. What's the difference between a University of Southern Nevada sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Vegas?
A: When you get off the plane walk into the propellers!
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Nevada?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: Why do UNLV grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the UNLV library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Nevada's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average UNLV student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How many UNLV freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: How do you make University of Nevada cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: If you have a car containing a Wolfpack wide receiver, a Wolfpack linebacker, and a Wolfpack defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Nevada?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate an Nevada Wolfpack fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Whats the difference between the Nevada Wolfpack and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do Nevada students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Nevada Wolfpack campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned in UNLV?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Nevada football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between a Nevada Wolfpack fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Nevada?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Nevada Wolfpack grad die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: How do you get a man in Nevada to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes..
Q: What does a Wolf Pack grad call a Runnin Rebel grad in 5 years?
A: Boss!
I'm not saying Runnin Rebels basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.
Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Sam Boyd Stadium?
A: Two Rebels fans drowned last year.
Q: Why did the Nevada regents decide to cover Mackay Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because the Wolf Pack always look better on paper.
Q: What happens when blondes move from California to Nevada?
A: Both states become smarter!
Q: Why aren't UNLV cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.
Q: Why do all the trees in California lean west?
A: Nevada Sucks
Q: What does a girl from Las Vegas do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.
Q: Why do Runnin Rebels basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".
Q: Why do Wolf Pack students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.
Q: Why did Nevada disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.
Q: What's the difference between a College of Southern Nevada diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $50,000 per sheet.
Q: What does it say on the back of every College of Southern Nevada diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.
Q: Why did the College of Southern Nevada grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to UNLV.
Q: Why should the UNLV Runnin Rebels change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps Rebels basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.
Q: Why did the Nevada Wolf Pack football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
Q: How is a Las Vegas girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: What do Wolf Pack grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you break a UNLV grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How do you get a Runnin Rebel fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Q: Why do UNLV fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: Why did Nevada change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Wolf Pack cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to College of Southern Nevada.
Q: Whats the difference between Reno, Nevada and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: Why do the Nevada Wolf Pack eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
Q: What's the difference between Mackay Stadium and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The California-Nevada border.
Q: How do you confuse a College of Southern Nevada student?
A: You can't they were born that way.
Q: What will you never hear a College of Southern Nevada grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"
Q: What do they call students who go to UNLV?
A: Rejects from University of Nevada!
Q: What does a Nevada Wolfpack fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.
Q: What do you call an Nevada Wolfpack in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What do Nevada and UNLV students have in common?
A: They both got in to UNLV
Q: What's the difference between a Nevada football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Nevada's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Nevada Wolfpack grads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of an Nevada Wolfpacks life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a Nevada native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from UNLV have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What do the University of Nevada and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Las Vegas?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing an Las Vegas girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call an Univeristy of Nevada football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: Why does a University of Nevada fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop an UNLV fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Nevada Blue!
Q: What did the Reno female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Rebels fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at UNLV games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
Las Vegas is full of barbies. They use to be humans, but now they are toys because they got plastic surgery.
Its so Hot outside here in Vegas you can fry chicken and eggs Southern style just standing outside!
Did you hear that Siegried and Roy have their show coming back to Las Vegas again?
Yea, but they had to change the name. The new name is Siegfried and Chew Toy.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nevada!
Nevada who?
I bet you Nevada friend like me.
Getting Paid In Vegas
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"
Roll Of the Dice
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Riding Horses
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.
The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.
The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!
The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.
A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.
The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."
A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.
The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"
The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."
Cemetary
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.
He Read Aloud "Here Lies A UNLV Graduate And A Great Man."
The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It."
The Mom Says "Why Not?"
The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"
Las Vegas Girls
A guy came to Las Vegas for the first time and was having a ball. His first night in town he won a bunch of money at the tables and decided to go find a girl. He walked outside the casino and saw a gorgeous girl walking down the Strip, so he called to her, "Hey honey!"
She came right over to him and said, "Hi!!" with a big beautiful smile. She was a knockout! He whispered to her, "Hey honey, how much for some head?" "Head!" she said. "Well, that'll cost you $200." "$200!" he exclaimed. "That's a lot!" She smiled at him and pointed to a Mercedes sports car parked nearby. "Do you see that Mercedes?" she asked. "Well, I own that Mercedes, because I give the best damn head in town, and you'll agree, after you've had some." The guy was amazed, but he had the money, and she was gorgeous, so he paid her the $200 and she was right--it was the best damn head he'd ever had. So he went back to his room very happy.
The next night he was playing slot machines and hit a jackpot, and as he was cashing out he suddenly thought of the girl again. He decided he wanted to see her again, so he jumped in a taxi and went looking for her on the Strip. He saw her and yelled out the window of the taxi, "Hey honey!!" She saw him and ran over to the cab and said, "Well Hi!!" with her beautiful smile, and he just melted. He grabbed her hand and said, "Honey, I think I want some ass tonight." "Ass!" she replied, winking. "Well, that's gonna cost you $500." "$500!" he said, shocked. "Wow, that's a lot!" She pointed to a high-rise apartment building right in the heart of the Strip and said, "Do you see that building? I have a penthouse in that building, because this ass is the best you'll get anywhere." And she gave him such a seductive look he couldn't stand it, so he paid her the $500 and indeed, it was some amazing ass he enjoyed that night, and he went back to his room very happy once again.
His last night in town, he still had plenty of money because he'd been saving it for his last chance to see that luscious girl.
He started searching for her as soon as he could find a cab, and soon he saw her strolling down the sidewalk and yelled at the cab driver to stop. "Honey! Hey honey!" he yelled out the window, delighted he'd found her one more time. She came right over and gave him a big kiss and her sexy "Hi!!" and he thought he would just die if he didn't get her in bed as soon as possible, so this time he said to her, "Honey, I'm leaving tomorrow and I want it all. How much for the pussy, all night??"
She stared at him, and he braced himself for what price she might quote him this time, but this time she threw back her head and laughed. "Honey..." she said, pointing to a new hotel that was getting ready to open, said to be the fanciest the town had ever seen. "Honey--do you see that hotel?" "Oh my God!" he said, staring. "Don't tell me you own that hotel, too??"
"Oh no!" she said to him, laughing and giving him a little wink and his bulge a little squeeze..."But I would---if I HAD a pussy!"
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