Michigan Jokes


Short Michigan Jokes

Q: How many University of Michigan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: What do you call someone who loves Michigan?
A: S-mitten.

Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of Michigan weddings?
A: To keep the flies off the bride.

Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Michigan?
A: US-23

Q: What's the only thing that grows in Detroit?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!

Q: Did you hear about the University of Michigan fan who locked his keys in his car?
A: He couldn't get his family out.

Why did the UofM regents decide to cover the Big House in cardboard?
Because the Wolverines always look better on paper.

Q: Why do University of Michigan fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What's the only thing that grows in Detroit?
A: The Crime Rate!

Q: What does a Great Lakes fish like to sing?
A: Whale to the victors.......

Q: Did you hear about the Ohio State Buckeye fan who tried to blow up the Michigan team bus?
A: He burned his lip on the tailpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a Western Michigan University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

Q: Why do Central Michigan grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: Why don't UofM football players sink in the Great Lakes?
A: Because crap floats...

Q: Why did the Post Office decide to abbreviate Michigan with an MI?
A: It stands for "Mostly Idiots".

Q: What's the difference between the unibomber and the UofM basketball team?
A: Ted Kaczynski actually got his degree from Michigan.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Central Michigan University campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Central Michigan library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in MSU's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: What does the average Central Michigan student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: How many MSU freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: How do you make Michigan State University cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: If you have a car containing a Spartan wide receiver, a Spartan linebacker, and a Spartan defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Michigan?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.

Q: How do you casterate an Michigan State Spartans fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: Whats the difference between the Michigan Wolverines and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

Q: Why do Spartan grads have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the MSU Spartans campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at Michigan State University?
A: They cause too much brain damage!

Q: What should you do if you find three Michigan Wolverine football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between an Michigan Wolverines fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Michigan?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. How did the MSU Spartan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: What is the definition of a Michigan virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..

Q: What do they call students who go to Michigan State?
A: Rejects from University of Michigan!

Q: What does a MSU Spartan fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.

Q: What do you call an MSU Spartan in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.

Q: What do U of M and MSU students have in common?
A: They both got in to MSU

Q: What's the difference between an Alabama football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: Did you hear that MSU's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How many MSU Spartans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!

Q: What are the best four years of an Michigan State Spartans life?
A: Third grade

Q: What does a Michigan native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the Michigan State University have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.

Q: What do Michigan State University and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Michigan State?
A. With a restraining order.

Q. What's the first thing a Spartan girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.

Q: What do you call an Michigan State football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!

Q: What is a Spartan fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Michigan."

Q: Why does a Michigan Wolverines fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.

Q: How do you stop an MSU fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Maize and Blue!

Q: What did the Michigan female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!

Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Spartans fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Spartans games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated

Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Michigan?
A: No one would look for them.

Q: What does a MSU grad call a Wolverine in 5 years?
A: Boss!

I'm not saying Spartan basketball players are dumb, but Tom Izzo is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.

Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Spartan stadium?
A: Two MSU fans drowned last year.

Q: What happens when blondes move from Columbus to Ann Arbor?
A: Both states become smarter!

Q: What is the only intelligent sign of life in Ann Arbor?
A: Columbus, Ohio: 187 Miles

Q: Why aren't Central Michigan cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.

Q: Why do all the trees in Ohio lean north?
A: Michigan Sucks

Q: What does a girl from MSU do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.

Q: Why do UofM baksetball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".

Q: Why do Eastern Michigan students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.

Q: Why did Central Michigan disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.

Q: What's the difference between an EMU diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $50,000 per sheet.

Q: What does it say on the back of every EMU diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.

Q: Why did the Eastern Michigan grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?

Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Eastern Michigan University.

Q: Why should Central Michigan change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.

Q: What's the one thing that keeps Spartan basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.

Q: Why did the Michigan Wolverines cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.

Q: How is a Spartan girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.

Q: What do UofM grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you break an EMU grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: How do you get a Michigan State fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.

Q: Why do Eastern Michigan fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: Did you hear about the zoo closing in Ann Arbor?
A: A hummer ran over the duck.

Q: Why did MSU change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Spartan cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.

Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to the University of Michigan.

Q: What do they call students at MSU?
A: Rejects from UofM.

Whats the difference between East Lansing and yogurt?
Yogurt has an active living culture.

Why do Wolverines eat cereal straight from the box?
They choke whenever they get near a bowl.

What's the difference between the big house and a cactus?
The cactus has its pricks on the outside.

What separates a good team from a great team?
The Michigan-Ohio border.

How do you confuse an EMU student?
You can't they were born that way.

How do you get from Columbus to Ann Arbor?
Go north until you smell shit and west until you step in it.

What will you never hear a Central Michigan grad say?
"I have reviewed your application......"

The News reported that a crocodile had been found in the Upper Peninsula, the locals said they were not surprised because they were expecting a cold snap!

Two Coaches
Brady Hoke and Urban Meyer are in a bathroom taking a leak.
Meyer finishes and starts to walk out of the room when Hoke says up in Michigan, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.
Urban Meyer responds, Down in Ohio, they teach us not to piss on our hands.

Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Ohio State Buckeyes fan and he was a Michigan Wolverines fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Buckeyes fan.

He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Ohio State Buckeyes fan."

The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"

The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO SPARTANS!"

Sheep Coitus

An Ohio State Buckeyes fan and a Michigan State Spartans fan were driving along when all of a sudden the OSU fan slams on the brakes.

There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the OSU fan said "We Buckeyes never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.

Then he says to the Michigan State fan, "Your turn"...

And the Spartans fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.

Cemetary
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.

He Read Aloud " Here Lies A Michigan Graduate And A Great Man."

The Kid Then Says " Mom I Dont Get It."

The Mom Says "Why Not?"

The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"

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