Massachusetts Jokes
Short Massachusetts Jokes
Q. What's the difference between a Northeastern University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: Why do Northeastern grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Northeastern University campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the Boston College library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in Boston College's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average Boston College student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: What does a MIT grad call a Harvard grad in 5 years?
A: Boss!
I'm not saying Boston College basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.
Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Alumni Stadium?
A: Two Eagles fans drowned last year.
Q: Why did the Massachusetts regents decide to cover Alumni Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because Boston College always look better on paper.
Q: What happens when blondes move from New York to Massachusetts?
A: Both states become smarter!
Q: Why aren't UMass cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.
Q: Why do all the trees in New York lean east?
A: Massachusetts Sucks
Q: What does a girl from UMass do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.
Q: Why do Minutemen basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".
Q: Why do Wellesley College students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.
Q: Why did UMass disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.
Q: What's the difference between a Boston University diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $80,000 per sheet.
Q: What does it say on the back of every Berklee College Of Music diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.
Q: Why did the Northern Essex Community College grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Boston University.
Q: Why should the UMass Minutemen change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps Minutemen basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.
Q: Why did the Boston College football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
Q: How is a Amherst girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: What do Harvard grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you break a Wellesley College grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How do you get a Boston College fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Q: Why do Umass fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: Why did Boston College change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Eagles cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to Boston University.
Q: Whats the difference between Amherst and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: Why do the Boston College Screaming Eagles eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
Q: What's the difference between Alumni Stadium and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Massachusetts-New York border.
Q: How do you confuse a Boston student?
A: You can't they were born that way.
Q: How do you get from New York City to Amherst?
A: Go north until you smell shit and east until you step in it.
Q: What will you never hear a Bunker Hill Community College grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"
Q: How many Boston College freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: How do you make Boston College cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Massachusetts?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: If you have a car containing a BC Eagles wide receiver, a BC Eagles linebacker, and a BC Eagles defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Massachusetts?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate an BC Eagles fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Whats the difference between the BC Eagles and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do Massachusetts students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the BC Eagles campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at Boston College?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three BC Eagles fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between a BC Eagles fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Massachusetts?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the BC Eagle die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: How do you get a man in Massachusetts to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes..
Q: What do they call students who go to Boston College?
A: Rejects from Harvard!
Q: What does a BC Eagles fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.
Q: What do you call an BC Eagle in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What do Boston College and UMass students have in common?
A: They both got in to Boston College
Q: What's the difference between an Boston College football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Boston College's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many BC Eagles does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of an BC Eagles life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a Massachusetts native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from Boston College have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What do Boston College and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in Massachusetts?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing an Boston College girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call an Boston College football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: What is a Boston College fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Notre Dame."
Q: Why does a BC Eagles fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop an BC fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Notre Dame Gold!
Q: What did the Massachusetts female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Screaming Eagles fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at BC Eagles games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Massachusetts?
A: No one would look for them.
Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Clemson Tigers fan and he was a Maryland Terrapins fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Tigers fan.
He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Clemson Tigers fan."
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"
The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO SCREAMING EAGLES!"
Sheep Coitus
A Clemson Tigers fan and a Boston College Screaming Eagles fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Clemson fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Clemson fan said "We Tigers never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the BC fan, "Your turn"...
And the Screaming Eagles fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
Cemetary
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.
He Read Aloud "Here Lies A UMass Graduate And A Great Man."
The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It."
The Mom Says "Why Not?"
The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"
Yo Mama Boston
Yo mama so fat, when she went outside in a red, blue, green, or orange coat, people thought the train had arrived.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Mattapan was where chefs lived.
Yo mama so ugly, the buses skipped her.
Yo mama so old, her roommate was paul revere.
Yo mama so short, she could go under the fare gates
Yo mama so ugly, the statues at the public garden walk away.
Yo mama so fat, she lives in all the boston neighborhoods.
Yo mama so fat, when she stepped in the scales, it showed the rent for a seaport apartment.
Yo mama so stupid, she wasn't allowed to walk near Harvard.
Yo mama so tall, she places her toy cars on the zakim bridge.
Yo mama so poor, she bathes at the Charles river.
Yo mama so hairy, she has a place at franklin park zoo.
Yo mama so stupid, she though blue hill avenue had blue hills.
Yo mama so stupid, she really parked her car in Harvard yard.
Yo mama so dirty, her breath smells like clam chowder.
Yo mama so old, she was the first woman to graduate from Harvard.
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