Short Louisiana Jokes
Q: Why did Michael Jackson volunteer to help Hurricane Katrina victims?
A: Because New Orleans now has the highest concentration of children wearing wet underwear.
Q: What does a Tigers grad call a Green Wave grad in 5 years?
I'm not saying LSU basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.
Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Tiger Stadium?
A: Two LSU fans drowned last year.
Q: Why did the Louisiana regents decide to cover Tiger Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because LSU always look better on paper.
Q: What happens when blondes move from Texas to Louisiana?
A: Both states become smarter!
Q: Why aren't LSU cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.
Q: Why do all the trees in Texas lean east?
A: Louisiana Sucks
Q: What does a girl from Louisiana do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.
Q: Why do Tigers basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".
Q: Why do Tulane students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.
Q: Why did LSU disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.
Q: What's the difference between a LSU diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $80,000 per sheet.
Q: What does it say on the back of every LSU diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.
Q: Why did the Grambling State grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to LSU.
Q: Why should the LSU Tigers change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps Tigers basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.
Q: Why did the Tulane Green Wave football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
Q: How is a Baton Rouge girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: What do Tulane grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you break a Tulane grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How do you get a LSU Tigers fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Q: Why do Grambling State fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: Why did LSU change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Tigers cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to Tulane.
Q: Whats the difference between Baton Rouge and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: Why do the LSU Tigers eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
Q: What's the difference between Yulman Stadium and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Texas-Louisiana border.
Q: How do you confuse a LSU student?
A: You can't they were born that way.
Q: How do you get from College Station to Baton Rouge?
A: Go east until you smell shit and south until you step in it.
Q: What will you never hear a Louisiana Tech grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"
Q. What's the difference between a Tulane University sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: What is BP telling Americans about their latest plan for the Gulf oil spill?
A: Driving SUVs will melt the polar ice caps and dilute the spill!
Q: "Why shouldn't you try to kick a sandcastle in New Orleans and ruin a child's day"
A: "Because now you can simply throw a match at it!"
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Louisiana?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: "How do you know that containment efforts in the Gulf have failed?"
A: "BP gives up and tries to get the water out of the oil!"
Q: Why should the American public be worried about the latest BP containment plan?
A: It's called "Operation Fingers Crossed"
Q: Why does the CEO of British Petroleum think the "environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest?"
A: "He lives in England"
Q: Why did President Obama refuse to offer BP CEO Tony Hayward a drink?
A: Obama thought Hayward would spill that too!
Q: What is BP using to catch up to 500,000 gallons of crude oil a day?
Q: Why did the Dow Jones close up 200 points the day Hurricane Katrina hit
A: They figured the unemployment rate would go down.
Q: Which part of New Orleans was the first to surrender to the Hurricane Katrina flood waters?
A: The French Quarter.
Q: When they're done rebuilding New Orleans what will they call it?
A: New and Improved Orleans?
Q: Why were only blacks in New Orleans hit so hard during Hurricane Katrina?
A: Mother Nature was doing laundry and she heard you shouldn't mix darks and lights.
Q: How is a old hooker like New Orleans?
A: She is old, worthless, used up and full of disease
Q: What is the New Orleans Anthem?
A: "Under the Sea" from the Disney Movie "The Little Mermaid"
Q: How is New Orleans Super dome like the budget deficit?
A: They are both in deep shit!
Q: Why do LSU grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the LSU library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in LSU's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average LSU student get on his SAT?
Q: How many LSU freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: How do you make LSU cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: If you have a car containing a LSU wide receiver, a LSU linebacker, and a LSU defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Louisiana?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate a LSU Tigers fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Whats the difference between the LSU Tigers and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do LSU students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the LSU campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at LSU?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three LSU Tigers football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an LSU Tigers fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q: What is Disney's new animated movie based on the catastrophe hurricane Katrina caused?
A: "Finding Negros"
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Louisiana?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the LSU Tiger die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What is the definition of a Louisiana virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..
Q: What do they call students who go to LSU?
A: Rejects from Tulane!
Q: What does a LSU Tigers fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: What do you call an LSU Tiger in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What do LSU and Tulane students have in common?
A: They both got in to LSU
Q: What's the difference between an LSU Tigers football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that LSU's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many LSU Tigers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of an LSU Tigers life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a New Orleans native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from LSU have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What do LSU and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at LSU?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing an LSU girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call an LSU football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: What is a LSU fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Florida."
Q: Why does a LSU Tigers fan pour his cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop an LSU Tigers fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Florida Blue and Orange!
Q: What did the Louisiana female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a LSU Tigers fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Tigers games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Louisiana?
A: No one would look for them.
A man walked into a Louisiana bar with his alligator and asked the bartender:
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."
A country bumpkin family from Louisiana decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son.
They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator.
Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
The Louisiana redneck family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!"
Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Florida Gators fan and he was an Alabama Crimson Tide fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Gators fan.
He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be a Florida Gators fan."
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"
The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO LSU!"
An Arkansas Razorbacks fan and a LSU Tigers fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Razorbacks fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Arkansas fan said "We Razorbacks never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the LSU fan, "Your turn"...
And the Tigers fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.
He Read Aloud "Here Lies A LSU Graduate And A Great Man."
The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It."
The Mom Says "Why Not?"
The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"