Short Italy Jokes
Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Jew?
A: Olive Garden
Q: How can you tell if an Italian is in the Mafia?
A: His favorite dish is broken leg of lamb.
A Roman guy walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five, please."
Q: What is a four-letter word in Italian for goodbye?
Q: What do you call an Italian who marries someone Polish?
A: A social climber.
Q: What do you call an Italian hooker?
A: A pastatute.
Q: How does every Italian joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: Whats the difference between a smart Italian and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters
Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Italian beauty contest?
A: Me neither.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.
Q: What does FIAT stand for?
A: Fix It Again, Tony!
Q: If your American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?
Q: What do you call a Roman with a cold?
A: Julius Sneezer
Q: Why are polish jokes so short?
A: Its so the Italians can understand them.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Italy?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: Why don't Italians have freckles?
A: Because they slide right off.
Q: Why did Pope Benedict have reservations about accepting his papacy?
A: It meant moving to an Italian neighborhood!
Q: Why don't Italians eat fleas?
A: They can't get their little legs apart.
Q: How can you identify the Italian at the Cock fight?
A: He's the one who bets on the duck.
Q: What do you call a dodgy neighbourhood in Italy?
A: A Spaghetto.
Q: What time was it when the monster ate the Italian prime minister?
A: Eight P.M.
Q: Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
A: The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Q: What's a sure-fire way to know you are Italian?
A: You are 5'4", can bench 350 lbs, and you still cry when your mother scolds you.
Q: What do you call an Italian with his hands in his pockets?
Q: Do you know why Italians are magician's?
A: They can make people disappear.
Q: A couple ways to know you're an Italian in the 21st century:
A: You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
Q: How do you know if you're Italian?
A: You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
Q: What does FIAT stand for?
A: Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.
Q: Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna?
A: She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!"
Q: How do you Impress an Italian Man?
A: Show up naked, Bring Beer
Q: What's an innuendo?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: What do you call a pimple on an Italian?
A: A grease fitting.
Q: How do you brainwash an Italian?
A: Give him an enema.
Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!
Q: Which is the most biggest rope?
Q: What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180?
Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.
Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony?
A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads.
Q: Why do Jews put their trash in clear bags?
A: So the dagoes can go window shopping.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
I heard Macaulay Culkin went to Rome Alone.
Italy (it will be) all over in the morning.
Rome is where the heart is!
Venice your mom getting home?
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man,
"not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?
First Day At Harvard
Vinny Calabrese, right off the boat from Italy, was excited about being accepted at Harvard University.
On his first day on campus, he was walking around looking for the library.
He saw an upperclassman standing by a tree, walked up to him and said, "Hey piasano, coulda you tella me where isa da library at?"
The upperclassman said, "Here at Harvard we never end sentences with a preposition. Would you like to rephrase that question?"
"OK, fora you, no problem, Piasano," said the Italian. "Tella me, do you know where isa da library at, youa asshole?"
A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS...and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
Three men want make phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions
Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Ethiopian.
So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss.
So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than that of USA.
LASTLY an Ethiopian made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent
Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them
"The Ethiopian call was a local call whereas your was an International call"
Once there was a man that came from Italy to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly"
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."
Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?"
The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The police man said "any last words?"
And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."
Big Bad Wolf
The three little pigs... You know the story.
The big bad wolf starts in 'huffing and puffing' on the house made of straw, so that little pig runs over to his brother's place made of sticks. The wolf starts to blow the stick house down, so they run over to join their third brother in the brick house.
The wolf meanwhile starts huffing and puffing at the brick house. The windows rattle, the door shakes.
The third pig picks up his phone and makes a call.
Pretty soon a big black Lincoln Continental pulls up and out steps 2 really rough looking pigs. Wearing black fedora hats, they are dressed all in black, except for white ties.
They also have machine guns, and they quickly make mincemeat out of the wolf.
"Who the hell are they?" ask the first two pigs.
Replies the third pig, "They're our neighbors, the Guinea pigs!"
Old Antonio, is a tight ass with his money, reckons he is going to take all his money with him when he dies.
Maria, his good wife of many years, protests profusely, "Antonio, you cannota take da money, what about me and da children?"
Antonio replies: "Screw you bitch, its my money and I earned it!"
So duly on the day of Antonio's funeral, Maria and the kids are crying over pappas coffin, when one of the children speaks up: "Momma you didn't give pappa the money did you?"
Maria replied: "Yes I gave the dead bastard his fucking money, it's in a cheque, let's see him cash that!"
You know how American ships' names begin with "USS", which stands for "United States Service."
Then there are British ships, which names begin with "HMS" for "Her Majesty's Service."
So why do Italian ships' names start with "AMB"?
"Att-sa My Boat!