China Jokes - Chinese Jokes

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Short China Jokes

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Q: How does every Chinese joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What happens when a Mexican and an China man make a baby?
A: A car thief who can't actually drive is born.

Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?
A: You never leave home.

Q: Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?
A: The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

Q: What do you call a drive by shooting where a Chinese guy gets shot?
A: CAPPUCINO (CAP-A-CHINO)

Q: How do you blind an Chinese woman?
A: You put a windshield in front of him.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Chinese beauty contest?
A: Me neither.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in China?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: How do you know if an Chinaman robbed your house?
A: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Captain

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?"

The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, they're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence.

Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic."

The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

The F.O. replies," Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same."

Bad Memory

There lived in the State of Qi a man who had a very bad memory. While walking, he would forget to stop; while sleeping, he would forget to rise. His wife was very much worried about this and said to him one day: "I've heard that Master Ai is a very learned man with a glib tongue. He can even bring the dying back to life. Why don't you go and consult him?"

"Good idea!" the man agreed.

So he set out on horseback, bow and arrow in hand. Before he had covered a distance of 30 li he felt a call of nature. He dismounted and, after sticking the arrow into the ground and tying the horse to a tree, crouched down to relieve himself. This done, he stood up and looking to the left caught sight of the arrow.

"Wow!" he cried. " What a narrow escape! I wonder where that stray arrow came from. It nearly hit me."
Then, looking to the right, he saw the horse.

"Well, well!" he said with joy. " Though I've been badly frightened, I'm now rewarded with this windfall of a horse."

Seizing the bridle of the horse, he was about to turn round when he inadvertently stepped on his own excrement. Stamping his foot, he cried: " Damn! This pile of dog's dung has soiled my shoe. What a pity!"

Whipping his horse, he galloped off in the wrong direction. Not long afterwards, he arrived home. Pacing up and down in front of his own house, he muttered to himself: "Whose house is this? Can this be the residence of Master Ai?"

At this moment, his wife saw him. Guessing that his memory must have taken leave of him again, she let loose a torrent of abuse. Very much upset, the man complained: "I've never seen you before in my life. Why hurl insults at me like that, lady?"

Hong Kong Dong

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle.

So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.

"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"

"Why, yes," replied the man.

"And did you have sex while over there?"

The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."

The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"

The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"

"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation."

"An operation? What kind of operation?"

"We cut off your penis."

"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment.

He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.

Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician.

After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.

"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.

"Yes."

"And is it really incurable?"

"Yes, there is no known cure."

The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?"

At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.

"What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?"

As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"

"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.

"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"

Phones

The government of China announced today, that they would be removing all telephones from their country. After 6 months of hard lobbying, the organization for Independent Speech has convinced Chinese politicians to take this action.

They argued that there are too many Wings and Wongs and that many people are becoming annoyed when others Wing the Wong number.

Currency Exchange

"A Chinese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2100 yuan and walked out with $300.

The following week, he walked in with another 2100 yuan, and was handed $276.

He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Chinese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

Chinese Pizza

An American businessman goes to China on a business trip, but he hates Chinese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Blind Fold

An American man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Chinese bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes."

The American replied, "Put on a blind fold."

The Chinese man asked, "Where do I get one?

The American then said, "Here take my shoe lace."

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