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California Jokes


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Short California Jokes

Q: What's the only thing that grows in Oakland?
A: The Crime Rate!

Q: What's the only thing that grows in Compton?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!

Q: Did you hear about the two California Valley Girls who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

Q: Why did the California Gurl resolve to have only 3 children?
A: She heard that one out of every four children born in the world is Chinese

Q: Why are people surprised by a Sociologists predictions that San Francisco's birth rate will decline sharply this decade?
A: Most people didn't know San Francisco had a birth rate!

Q: Why were many celebrities including Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton all hospitalized yesterday in Los Angeles?
A: An apparent allergic reaction to fresh air!

Q: Did you hear about the California Gurls that went to Disneyland?
A: They were driving down the freeway and saw a sign Disneyland Left; so they went home.

Q: Why was Arnold Schwarzenegger the best governor of his time?
A: Because he could explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German!

Q: Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger inspire George W Bush to become president?
A: Because Arnold proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language!

Q: Why do USC Trojans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the San Diego State library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in USC's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UCLA?
A: He wanted an academic challenge!

Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick!

Q: What does the average San Diego State student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in California?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: How do you make UCLA cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: How many San Diego State freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: If you have a car containing a USC Trojan wide receiver, a USC Trojan linebacker, and a USC Trojan defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Northern California?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.

Q: How do you casterate an San Diego State fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: Whats the difference between the USC Trojans and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

Q: Why do California students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the San Diego State campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at San Diego State?
A: They cause too much brain damage!

Q: What should you do if you find three USC Trojan football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between an USC Trojan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Northern California?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. How did the USC Trojan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: What is the definition of a Southern California virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..

Q: What to they call students who go to USC?
A: Rejects from UCLA!

Q: What does a UCLA Bruin fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.

Q: What do you call an Auburn Tiger in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.

Q: What do USC and UCLA students have in common?
A: They both got into USC!

Q: What's the difference between a USC football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: Did you hear that UCLA's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How many USC Trojans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man!

Q: What are the best four years of an San Diego State grads life?
A: Third grade

Q: What does a Calfornia native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from San Diego State have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.

Q: What does USC and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at UCLA?
A. With a restraining order.

Q. What's the first thing an USC girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.

Q: What do you call an UCLA football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!

Q: What is a UCLA fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat USC."

Q: Why do USC Trojans fans pour their cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.

Q: How do you stop an UCLA fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in USC red!

Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Trojans fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Trojan games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated

Two Coaches
Rick Neuheisel and Lane Kiffin are in a bathroom taking a leak.
Kiffin finishes and starts to walk out of the room when Neuheisel says down in UCLA, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.
Kiffin responds, Up in USC, they teach us not to piss on our hands.

Riding Horses
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!

The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."

Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Oregon Ducks fan and he was an UCLA Bruins fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Ducks fan.

He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be a Oregon Ducks fan."

The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"

The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO TROJANS!"

Sheep Coitus

An Oregon Ducks fan and an USC Trojans fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Ducks fan slams on the brakes.

There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Ducks fan said "We Ducks never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.

Then he says to the Trojans fan, "Your turn"...

And the Trojans fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
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