California Jokes
Short California Jokes
Q: What's the only thing that grows in Oakland?
A: The Crime Rate!
Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
A: UCLA
Q: What's the only thing that grows in Compton?
A: The swelling from your head from getting jacked!
Q: Did you hear about the two California Valley Girls who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Q: Where do find missing angels?
A: Lost Angeles
Q: Why did the California Gurl resolve to have only 3 children?
A: She heard that one out of every four children born in the world is Chinese
Q: Why are people surprised by a Sociologists predictions that San Francisco's birth rate will decline sharply this decade?
A: Most people didn't know San Francisco had a birth rate!
Q: Why were many celebrities including Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Paris Hilton all hospitalized yesterday in Los Angeles?
A: An apparent allergic reaction to fresh air!
Q: Did you hear about the California Gurls that went to Disneyland?
A: They were driving down the freeway and saw a sign Disneyland Left; so they went home.
Q: Did you hear about the University of Second Choice?
A: Only Spoiled Children and Student Criminals go there.
Q: Where do waffles go on vacation?
A: Sandy Eggo.
Q: How do you know your at a restaurant in San Francisco?
A: There's condom machines in both restrooms!
Someone should tells those kids at USC that OxiClean removes mustard and ketchup stains.
Q: Why was Arnold Schwarzenegger the best governor of his time?
A: Because he could explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German!
Q: Why did Arnold Schwarzenegger inspire George W Bush to become president?
A: Because Arnold proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language!
Q: Why do USC Trojans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a California governor who can't keep his hands to himself?
A: Boobengrabber. (nickname for Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Q: Where in California does everyone have minty fresh breath?
A: Sacra-mentos.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the San Diego State library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in USC's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UCLA?
A: He wanted an academic challenge!
Q: What does an USC grad call an UCLA grad in 5 years?
A: Boss!
I'm not saying San Diego State basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.
Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum?
A: Two USC fans drowned last year.
Q: Why did the University of Southern California regents decide to cover Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in cardboard?
A: Because the Trojans always look better on paper.
Q: What happens when blondes move from Oregon to California?
A: Both states become smarter!
Q: Why aren't San Diego State cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.
Q: Why do all the trees in Arizona lean west?
A: California Sucks
Q: What does a girl from USC do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.
Q: Why do USC basketball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".
Q: Why do San Diego State students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.
Q: Why did California State disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.
Q: What's the difference between a San Diego State diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $80,000 per sheet.
Q: What does it say on the back of every Cal State diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.
Q: Why did the Cal State grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Cal State.
Q: Why should the California Golden Bears change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps Trojan basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.
Q: Why did the UCLA football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
Q: How is a San Diego State girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: What do UCLA grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you break a San Diego State grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How do you get a USC fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Q: Why do Cal State fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: Why did USC change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Trojan cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to Cal State.
Q: What do they call students at USC?
A: Rejects from UCLA.
Q: Whats the difference between San Bernardino and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: Why do the UCLA Bruins eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
Q: What's the difference between the Rose Bowl and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The California-Oregon border.
Q: How do you confuse a Cal State student?
A: You can't they were born that way.
Q: How do you get from Eugene, Oregon to Los Angeles?
A: Go south until you smell shit and east until you step in it.
Q: What will you never hear a Cal State grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick!
Q: What does the average San Diego State student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: Who works the hardest at an USC game?
A: The Chain gang.
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in California?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: How do you make UCLA cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: How many San Diego State freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: If you have a car containing a USC Trojan wide receiver, a USC Trojan linebacker, and a USC Trojan defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Northern California?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate an San Diego State fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Whats the difference between the USC Trojans and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do California students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the San Diego State campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at San Diego State?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three USC Trojan football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an USC Trojan fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Northern California?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the USC Trojan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: How do you get a man in Southern California to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes..
Q: What to they call students who go to USC?
A: Rejects from UCLA!
Q: What does a UCLA Bruin fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.
Q: What do you call an Auburn Tiger in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What do USC and UCLA students have in common?
A: They both got into USC!
Q: What's the difference between a USC football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that UCLA's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many USC Trojans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of an San Diego State grads life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a Calfornia native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from San Diego State have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What does USC and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at UCLA?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing an USC girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call an UCLA football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: What is a UCLA fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat USC."
Q: Why do USC Trojans fans pour their cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop an UCLA fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in USC red!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Trojans fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Trojan games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
My favorite part of winter is watching it on TV from Los Angeles.
Two Coaches
Rick Neuheisel and Lane Kiffin are in a bathroom taking a leak.
Kiffin finishes and starts to walk out of the room when Neuheisel says down in UCLA, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.
Kiffin responds, Up in USC, they teach us not to piss on our hands.
Riding Horses
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.
The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of tequila, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.
The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!
The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.
A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of wine, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.
The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of wine! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of wine and bottles are cheap."
A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.
The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"
The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."
Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Oregon Ducks fan and he was an UCLA Bruins fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Ducks fan.
He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be a Oregon Ducks fan."
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"
The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO TROJANS!"
Sheep Coitus
An Oregon Ducks fan and an USC Trojans fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Ducks fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Ducks fan said "We Ducks never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Trojans fan, "Your turn"...
And the Trojans fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
Cemetary
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.
He Read Aloud "Here Lies An USC Graduate And A Great Man."
The Kid Then Says "Mom I Dont Get It."
The Mom Says "Why Not?"
The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"
Trip To California
So I decided to go on a trip to california.
I decided to take a helicopter instead of a airplane.
Now I took a apple bottle of wine and a bomb.
Since I got so hunry in the helicopter i decided to take a bite of the apple.then when i took a bite out of the apple i said too sour then i threw it out of the helacopter.
Then my second choice was a sip of wine so i took a sip of napa wine and then i threw it out of the helicopter because it was so sweet.
Now my last choice was the bomb. I took a bite of the bomb and ate it. Next thing you know i wake up on the ground.
Once i land i see a boy crying i ask him why are you crying he said a apple killed my dog.
I was so emmbaresd when he said that then i go up to this girl and i ask her why are crying she said a bottle of wine killed my cat.
Oh i did not do. Now i go up to this old lady and ask her why are you laughing.
She said "Once i was walking then stop to fart the building behind me exploded."
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