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Alabama Jokes


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Short Alabama Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the $4,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $4 a year for a million years.

Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Q: What new law was recently passed in Alabama?
A: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister!

Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Alabama?
A: I-20 and I-10

Q. What do Alabamans do on Halloween?
A. Pump kin!

Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Alabama?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA

Q. Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
A. Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.

Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they're afraid of Alabama Power.

Q. What's the best road sign in Auburn?
A. Tuscaloosa - 120 miles

Q: What is 20 feet long and has 5 teeth?
A: The funnel cake line at the Alabama state fair.

Q. Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?
A. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Q. What is the most common line used by an Auburn alum?
A. Would you like fries with that?

Q. Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
A. Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.

Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they're afraid of Alabama Power.

Q. What do you call a genius at Alabama?
A. Visitor.

Q. Whats the difference between Alabama and cheerios?
A. One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

Q. How do you get an Auburn student off your porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza!

Q: Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UF?
A: He wanted an academic challenge!

Q. What's the difference between a University of Alabama sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

Q: Why do University of South Alabama grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of South Alabama campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of South Alabama library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Alabama's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: What does the average University of South Alabama student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you make University of Alabama cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

Q: How many University of South Alabama freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Alabama?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: If you have a car containing a Crimson Tide wide receiver, a Crimson Tide linebacker, and a Crimson Tide defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Alabama?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.

Q: How do you casterate an Alabama Crimson Tide fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: Whats the difference between the Alabama Crimson Tide and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

Q: Why do Alabama students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Auburn Tiger campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Alabama?
A: They cause too much brain damage!

Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Alabama football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between an Alabama Crimson Tide fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Alabama?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. How did the Auburn Tiger die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: What is the definition of a Alabama virgin?
A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers..

Q: What to they call students who go to Auburn?
A: Rejects from Alabama!

Q: What does a Auburn Tiger fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.

Q: What do you call an Auburn Tiger in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.

Q: What do Auburn and Alabama students have in common?
A: They both got in to Alabama

Q: What's the difference between an Alabama football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: Did you hear that Auburn's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: How many Auburn Tigers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man!

Q: What are the best four years of an Auburn Tigers life?
A: Third grade

Q: What does a Alabama native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Alabama have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.

Q: What do the University of Alabama and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Auburn?
A. With a restraining order.

Q. What's the first thing an Auburn girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.

Q: What do you call an Auburn football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!

Q: What is a Alabama fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Florida."

Q: Why do Crimson Tide fans pour their cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.

Q: How do you stop an Auburn fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Florida Blue and Orange!

Q: What did the Alabama female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!

Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Crimson Tide fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Crimson Tide games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated

Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Alabama?
A: No one would look for them.

Elevator A country bumpkin family from Alabama decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son.

They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator.

Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.

While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.

The Alabama hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.

The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!

Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!"

Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Auburn Tigers fan and he was an Alabama Crimson Tide fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Tigers fan.

He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Auburn Tigers fan."

The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"

The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO GATORS!"

Sheep Coitus

An Auburn Tigers fan and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Auburn fan slams on the brakes.

There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Auburn fan said "We Tigers never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.

Then he says to the Crimson Tide fan, "Your turn"...

And the Crimson Tide fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.

Cemetary
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.

He Read Aloud " Here Lies An Auburn Graduate And A Great Man."

The Kid Then Says " Mom I Dont Get It."

The Mom Says "Why Not?"

The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"

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