Alabama Jokes
Short Alabama Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the $4,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $4 a year for a million years.
Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Q: What new law was recently passed in Alabama?
A: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister!
Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Alabama?
A: I-20 and I-10
Q. What do Alabamans do on Halloween?
A. Pump kin!
Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q: How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
A: With a bible belt.
Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Alabama?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA
Q. Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
A. Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.
Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they're afraid of Alabama Power.
Q. What's the best road sign in Auburn?
A. Tuscaloosa - 120 miles
Q: What is 20 feet long and has 5 teeth?
A: The funnel cake line at the Alabama state fair.
Q. Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?
A. If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
Q. What is the most common line used by an Auburn alum?
A. Would you like fries with that?
Q. Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
A. Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.
Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they're afraid of Alabama Power.
Q. What do you call a genius at Alabama?
A. Visitor.
Q. Whats the difference between Alabama and cheerios?
A. One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q. How do you get an Auburn student off your porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza!
Q: Who works the hardest at an Alabama Crimson Tide game?
A: The Chain gang.
Q: Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over UF?
A: He wanted an academic challenge!
Q: What does a South Alabama grad call a Crimson Tide grad in 5 years?
A: Boss!
I'm not saying Auburn basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game.
The rest will dress themselves.
Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Jordan-Hare Stadium?
A: Two Auburn fans drowned last year.
Q: Why did the University of Alabama regents decide to cover Bryant-Denny Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because the Crimson Tide always look better on paper.
Q: What happens when blondes move from Mississippi to Alabama?
A: Both states become smarter!
Q: What is the only intelligent sign of life in Tuscaloosa, Alabama?
A: Auburn, Alabama: 159 Miles
Q: Why aren't Troy State cheerleaders allowed to do the splits?
A: They stick to the ground.
Q: Why do all the trees in Mississippi lean east?
A: Alabama Sucks
Q: What does a girl from Auburn do if she's not in bed by 10pm?
A: Go Home.
Q: Why do University of Alabama baksetball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".
Q: Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.
Q: Why did Troy State disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.
Q: What's the difference between a South Alabama diploma and toilet paper?
A: About $50,000 per sheet.
Q: What does it say on the back of every Troy State diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.
Q: Why did the South Alabama grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?
Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college?
A: She applies to Troy State.
Q: Why did Auburn change their uniforms to Orange?
A: So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.
Q: What's the one thing that keeps Crimson Tide basketball players from graduating?
A: Going to Class.
Q: Why did the Auburn football team cross the road?
A: Because it was easier than crossing the goal line.
Q: How is a South Alabama Jaguars girl different from a bowling ball?
A: Sometimes a bowling ball is hard to pick up.
Q: What do UofA grads use for Birth Control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you break a South Alabama grads finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How do you get a Troy State fan to laugh all weekend long?
A: Tell him a joke Monday morning.
Q: Why do South Alabama fans smell so bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: Why did Auburn change their field from grass to artificial turf?
A: To keep the Tigers cheerleaders from grazing the field at halftime.
Q: Did you hear that 9 out of 10 coeds are good looking?
A: The other one goes to the University of South Alabama.
Q: What do they call students at South Alabama?
A: Rejects from UofA.
Q: Whats the difference between Auburn and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
Q: Why do the Auburn Tigers eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
Q: What's the difference between the Bryant-Denny Stadium and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside.
Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Florida-Alabama border.
Q: How do you confuse a South Alabama student?
A: You can't they were born that way.
Q: How do you get from Tuscaloosa to Auburn?
A: Go east until you smell shit and south until you step in it.
Q: What will you never hear a South Alabama grad say?
A: "I have reviewed your application......"
Q. What's the difference between a University of Alabama sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
Q: Why do University of South Alabama grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of South Alabama campus?
A: A visitor.
Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of South Alabama library?
A: Thirty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of Alabama's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.
Q: What does the average University of South Alabama student get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How do you make University of Alabama cookies?
A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Q: How many University of South Alabama freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.
Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in Alabama?
A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: If you have a car containing a Crimson Tide wide receiver, a Crimson Tide linebacker, and a Crimson Tide defensive back, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in Alabama?
A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.
Q: How do you casterate an Alabama Crimson Tide fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: Whats the difference between the Alabama Crimson Tide and cheerios?
A: One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q: Why do Alabama students have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First!
Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Auburn Tiger campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.
Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at the University of Alabama?
A: They cause too much brain damage!
Q: What should you do if you find three University Of Alabama football fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What do you call "Roll Tide!" signs on a persons lawn in Auburn, Alabama?
A: Home improvement.
Q: What's the difference between an Alabama Crimson Tide fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Alabama?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
Q. How did the Auburn Tiger die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: How do you get a man in Alabama to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes..
Q: What to they call students who go to Auburn?
A: Rejects from Alabama!
Q: What does a Auburn Tiger fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
A: He turns off the PlayStation.
Q: What do you call an Auburn Tiger in a BCS bowl game?
A: A referee.
Q: What do Auburn and Alabama students have in common?
A: They both got in to Alabama
Q: What's the difference between an Alabama football player and a dollar?
A: You can get four quarters out of a dollar.
Q: Did you hear that Auburn's football team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: How many Auburn Tigers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What are the best four years of an Auburn Tigers life?
A: Third grade
Q: What does a Alabama native and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of Alabama have in common?
A: They both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What do the University of Alabama and pot have in common?
A: They both get smoked in bowls!
Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at Auburn?
A. With a restraining order.
Q. What's the first thing an Auburn girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.
Q: What do you call an Auburn football player with a championship ring?
A: A thief!
Q: What is a Alabama fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Florida."
Q: Why do Crimson Tide fans pour their cereal on a plate?
A: He lost his bowls.
Q: How do you stop an Auburn fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Florida Blue and Orange!
Q: What did the Alabama female say after sex?
A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!
Q: What is th difference between a bucket of shit and a Crimson Tide fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: Why do they not serve ice in drinks at Crimson Tide games anymore?
A: The student who knew the recipe graduated
Q: Why don't girls play hide and seek in Alabama?
A: No one would look for them.
Alabama, still the only state where you can get a divorce and still be brother and sister!
My favorite part of winter is watching it on TV from Alabama.
Elevator A country bumpkin family from Alabama decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son.
They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator.
Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
The Alabama hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!"
Falling in Love
A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Auburn Tigers fan and he was an Alabama Crimson Tide fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Tigers fan.
He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, "Yes, it's a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Auburn Tigers fan."
The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. "Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?"
The man sat up, looked around, and said "GO GATORS!"
Sheep Coitus
An Auburn Tigers fan and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan were driving along when all of a sudden the Auburn fan slams on the brakes.
There was a sheep with her head stuck in the fence and the Auburn fan said "We Tigers never pass up an opportunity like this!" And he gets out and has his way with the sheep.
Then he says to the Crimson Tide fan, "Your turn"...
And the Crimson Tide fan bends over and sticks his head in the fence.
Cemetary
One Day This Kid And His Mom Were Walking Past A Cemetery When They Past A Grave And the Kid Stopped To Read It.
He Read Aloud " Here Lies An Auburn Graduate And A Great Man."
The Kid Then Says " Mom I Dont Get It."
The Mom Says "Why Not?"
The Kid Says "Why Are there 2 People Burried here?"
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