Traffic Jokes

What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam

Why was the squirrel late for work?
Traffic was NUTS.

What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look I'm changing.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
So he wouldn't get bocked in traffic.

Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Have you seen the movie Jim Carrey made during a traffic jam?
It's called "Me, Myself, and I-85".

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.

Why should the Miami Hurricanes change their uniforms to Orange?
So they can play the game, direct traffic, and pick up trash without changing.

I heard Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are making a movie about the 405, it's called "Reduced Speed".

The best way to avoid holiday traffic is to not go anywhere during the holidays.

Don't mess with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan during a Rush Hour traffic jam.

The only traffic I'm looking forward to this holiday weekend is on the internet.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

If you want to get a quick laugh put a bumper sticker on your car that says: "Honk if you have a small dick" and then intentionally cut people off in traffic.

Traffic Stop
A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop.
He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?'
The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'
The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

There is a massive traffic jam on DC-5. Nothing is moving. All a driver can do is relax and turn on the radio. Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"
Terrorist have kidnapped congress and are asking for a 10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
The man continues "We are going from car to car taking up a collection"
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?"
The man replies "About a gallon or so."

Swerving Car
A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road.
The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police.
A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says.
The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!"
The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

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