Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
Q: What do physicists enjoy doing the most at sporting events?
A: The Wave
Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
A: They make up everything
Q: What is the name of the first electricity detective?
A: Sherlock Ohms
Q: Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Q: What did the physicist snack on during lunch?
A: A 'gram' cracker.
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Q: What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?
Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.
Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.
Q: What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon?
A: A CaNiNe
Q: Why couldn't the moebius strip enroll at the school?
A: They required an orientation.
Q: What would you call a clown in jail?
A: Silicon (Silly Con)
Q: What does a mathematician do about constipation?
A: He works it out with a pencil.
Q: What do you call an Atom when it dies?
A: A Diatom.
Q: Why is a physics book always unhappy?
A: Because it always has lots of problems.
Q: Why did the sun not go to college?
A: Because it already had a million degrees!
Q: How do you call a one-sided nudie bar?
A: A Mobius strip club.
Q: What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean?
A: Mobius Dick.
Q: What is a proof?
A: One-half percent of alcohol.
Q: According to a physicist, why is the world so diverse?
A: Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Q: How ugly is your mom?
A: Even Fluorine won't bind to her!
Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark!
Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"
Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.
Q: What do physicists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel.
Q: Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?
A: They bonded well from the minute they met.
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
One day a child was crying very much, then a police asked "what's the matter?
Then the child told something that has weight and volume and occupies space.
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm
Q: How would you skin Schroedinger's cat?
A: Using an inverse furry transform.
Q: Why was the Calculus teacher bad at baseball?
A: He was better at fitting curves than hitting them.
Q: What's the integral of (1/cabin)d(cabin)?
A: A natural log cabin!
Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?
A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?"
The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
A lesbian in physics class was asked to define the term "vacuum" in class, she answered,
"A vacuum is an empty region of space where the Pope lives."
According to Einstein's Theory of Relatives, the probability of in-laws visiting you is directly proportional to how much you feel like being left alone.
There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."
Newtons 5th Law: "performance of the boys in the exams decreases when the number of girls in the exam hall increases"
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Jupiter Saturn (sat on) Uranus.
Stephen Hawking's theory suggests that physical information could permanently disappear in a black hole, this proves the old saying once you go black you never go back.
Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
A helium nucleus says to another, "I need to cool off." The other says, "You're in luck! I have you down for the full spin!"
When Albert Einstein masterbates is it a stroke of genius?
Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
A student is disrupting the Physics class.
Teacher: Hey! You there, stop talking!
Bad Student: Okay Mr, I will stop torquing.
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church, but the preacher says "Get out of here, you are a disgrace; you call yourself the ‘God particle' when there is only one true God!"
The Higgs Boson replies "Well if I am not here, how can you have mass?"
Physicist, Engineer, and Mathematician
What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
Wife or Girlfriend
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.
The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."
"What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute Physics major?"
"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."
Biologists do it with clones.
Botanists do it in the bushes.
Zoologists do it with animals.
Physicists think about it.
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
Two atoms are walking down the street.
One atom says to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles , it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
A physicist walks into a bar with a bird on his shoulder. The bird starts squawking, "Pieces of seven!" over and over again.
The bartender says, "What's with the bird?"
The physicist says, "Broken parity."
A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all of the guest's joules.
A tall, strong man, armed with a machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers one by one.
The guests were very grateful to this man, and they wanted to know who he was.
He replied: My name is BOND, Covalent Bond.
One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum.
He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute.
He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton.
As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment.
'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).
' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.'
He fixes it.
'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'.
A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.
After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.
Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'
After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'
Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:
1. If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
2. If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong.
3. The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
4. The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
5. If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)
6. Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
7. When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
8. For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
9. If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
10. If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.
In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.
John wrote an article in the school paper about how this chemical, dihydrogenoxide, has killed over 100,000 people world wide, usually through inhalation.
The story also went on that even if you wash your food you can never get this chemical off.
No matter what you do you will be exposed to this very dangerous chemical every day of your life until you die.
The story finished by claiming that there needs to be a government research group founded to find a solution. yada yada yada
Anyway, the local newspaper reporter read this story in his daughters school paper and decided to do a follow up.
If you haven't figured it out di-hydrogen-oxide is the correct name for H2O or water.
The deaths that he was quoting were from drownings.
Anyhow, this reporter ran the article in a paper and started a local push for a government study before they realized what the story was about.
Applying For A Job
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a physicist, one a statistician, and one an accountant.
The interviewing committee first calls in the physicist. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.
When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"
They hire the accountant.
A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife's obsession with physics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: "Do you love math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear - I love you much more!"
Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: "Well, then prove it!"
Pondering a bit, she responds: "Ok... Let epsilon be greater than zero..."