Who was the worlds first carpenter?
Eve, because she made Adams banana stand
Me: I Wish I had been born 1000 years ago.
Friend: Why is that?
Me: Just think of all the history that I wouldn't have to learn!
How do you like to play War of 1812?
You burn down a White House.
What did Americans do because of the Stamp Act?
They licked the British.
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
How does Moses make his tea?
What was King Arthur's favourite game ?
Knights and crosses !
What was Camelot ?
A place where people parked their camels!
What do history teachers make when they want to get together ?
What do history teachers talk about on dates?
The good old days!
What do you call a detective from the reformation?
Who was the biggest thief in history ?
Atlas. He held up the whole world !
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ?
He wanted to Mark Antony!
Why did Eve want to move to New York ?
She fell for the Big Apple !
What did Noah do for a job ?
He was an arkitecht!
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up too!
Why does history keep repeating itself ?
Because we weren't listening the first time!
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages ?
Because there were so many knights !
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Why did Arthur have a round table ?
So no one could corner him !
Who invented King Arthur's round table ?
What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Why did Columbus cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Where did Montezuma go to college?
How did Vikings communicate at sea?
By Norse code !
Why did people hate Ho Chi Minh?
He was hanoiing.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What was Camelot famous for ?
It's knight life!
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Why didn't Socrates like the French fries?
Because they were made in ancient Greece.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
It can't sit down.
Why was the Pharoah boastful?
Because he Sphinx he's the best
When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight ?
When they had lots of sleepless knights !
Where was the Declaration of Independance signed ?
At the bottom!
Why did John change his last name to "Hancock"?
Because it was better than John Foot Pe**s.
What's got six reverse gears and one forward gear?
A French tank. The forward gear is in case they get attacked from behind.
What do French recruits learn in basic training?
How to surrender in 17 different languages.
What do Nazis eat for breakfast?
Who was the biggest jokester in George Washington's army?
Who invented fractions ?
Henry the 1/6th !
What do you call a well endowed slavic conquer?
Attila the Hung
What do an apple and Benito Mussolini have in common?
They both belong hanging in trees.
Why were the first Americans like ants?
They lived in colonies.
Do you know the 16th President of the United States ?
No, we were never introduced !
Need an ark to save two of every animal?
I Noah guy.
Renoir, why did you become an Impressionist?
I did it for the Monet.
Americans commemorate the Vietnam War with a memorial.
The Vietnamese call it a scoreboard.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
If history is written by the victors, then why do I have to learn about the French?
Licoln is doing well in theaters, historically this has not been true.
There was a boy called tutu and he drove his car to the moon.
If you were listening carefully I said his name. What's his name?
Custer's Last Stand
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.
Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said,
"I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that
went through Custer's mind before he died.
I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work.
To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo.
Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly.
"No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts"
"And there you have it" said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f**king Indians'
Sanctity Of Life
But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase "sanctity of life." You've heard that, "sanctity of life." You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death— has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea. The sword of God, the blood of the lamb, vengeance is mine, millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question: "Do you believe in God?" "No." Boom! Dead. "Do you believe in God?" "Yes..." "Do you believe in my God?" "No." Boom! Dead. "My god has a bigger dick than your god!" George Carlin (Back In Town)
Guy: "Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic"
Priest: "Well, I do not see anythign wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war"
Guy: "But Father, I collected rent from for every week that he stayed"
Priest: "Well, that is not a good deed, but it was for a good cause, so that is fine."
Guy: "... but Father.... should I tell him the war is over?"