Q: What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi?
A: There, Their, They're
Q: What's another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: How does an English teacher punish a valley girl?
A: Assign a 10-15 page research paper on the bastardization of the word "like"
Q: What is Grammar?
A: The difference between knowing your shit, and knowing you're shit.
Q: How do you spell mousetrap?
Q: What is Black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A newspaper
Q: "What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?"
A: "The C"
Q: "What letter of the alphabet is always waiting in order?"
A: "The Q. (queue)
Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A: A teapot.
Q: A word in this sentence is misspelled. What word is it?
Q: Which letters do Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday have in common?
A: None! None of them have "c", "o","m" or "n" in them.
Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Rubber-band -- because it streches.
Q: When does a dialect become a language?
A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.
Q: One night a man and a woman walked into the bar they left. Who remains?
A: The night
Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?
A: Shoot nine of them.
Q: What English Word Begin and End with the same 3 letters?
Remove my 1st letter I still sound the same ,
Remove my 2nd letter I still sound the same.
Remove my middle letter I still sound the same what am I?
Q: What's a teacher's favorite nation?
Q: Name a bus you can never enter?
A: A syllabus
The exclamation mark said to the period "Why aren't you bleeding?"
Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including "y" ?
Q: What is the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (There is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.)
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.
If practice makes perfect, but no one is perfect then why practice?
Jumping on someone when they confuse there/their/they're is really just an ad homonym attack.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, then why do actions speak louder than words?
If two wrongs don't make a right, then why does a double negative make a positive?
It's good to be awesome, so why is it bad to be aw"ful"?
If Horrible and Horrific are the same things, then why are terrible and terrific opposites?
Grammar Error on Facebook your argument is invalid!
Teacher: What is irony?
Student: "Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe."
Don't you know the Queen's English?
Why, yes, I'd heard she was.
A teacher writes on a chalkboard the sentence:
"A woman without her man is nothing"
The teacher then asks the boys to punctuate it properly, and they all write:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing"
The teacher asks the girls to punctuate it and they write:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing"
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"
"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."
"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."
"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"
Grammar walks into a Bar
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
A Question mark walks into a bar?
Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A synoynm ambles into a pub.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.
A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor.
A group of homophones wok inn two a bar.
A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
It's to whom, you illiterate fool.
Let's eat Grandma!
Let's eat, Grandma!
Punctuation SAVES LIVES!
Theres' a verb and a noun in a bar.
They both spot each other, and the verb smiles and goes over to the noun.
"Hey," it said to the noun. "Wanna come back to my place and conjugate?"
The noun said "Oh, no. I decline."
Grammar Pick Up Lines
"I like girls, irony, and oxford commas!"
It gets me hot when you use their, there, and they're correctly.
"I love vebing proper nouns"
"Baby, I have large footnotes, you know what that means"
"There, Their, They're, both of you ladies can come back to my place"
Scrod is a famous Massachusetts fish dish. A businessman from the UK goes to Boston. He asks the cabbie whether there are any places around where he can get scrod.
Cabbie: Sure are, man, but I must say it's been a long time since I heard the pluperfect indicative around here.....