Q: What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?
Q: Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
A: He's 0K now.
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.
Q: How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate?
A: A sulfone
Q: What do you call Iron blowing in the wind?
Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
Q: Why did the noble gas cry?
A: Because all his friends argon.
Q: Why did the acid go to the gym?
A: To become a buffer solution!
Q: Why can you never trust atoms?
A: They make up everything!
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.
Q: How many moles are in a guacamole?
A: Avocado's number.
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.
Q: Why did Chlorine's sisters Boron and Carbon lock her in the closet?
A: Because she was too attractive!
Q: Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about Helium?
A: He just couldn't put it down.
Q: What is a Ochem students favorite kind of plant?
A: A chemistree
Q: Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?
A: They bonded well from the minute they met.
Q: Why did the white furry bear dissolve in water?
A: Because it was polar.
Q: What do dipoles say in passing?
A: "Have you got a moment?"
Q: What do you call a periodic table with gold missing?
A: "Au revoir"
Q: What do you call a scientific plant?
Q: How did the chemist survive the famine?
A: By subsisting on titrations.
Q: What element is derived from a Norse god?
Q: What do you do with a dead chemists?
Q: What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon?
A: A CaNiNe
Q: What did the chemist snack on during lunch?
A: A 'gram' cracker.
Q: What would you call a clown in jail?
A: Silicon (Silly Con)
Q: What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?
A: A KNiFe.
Q: How did carbon propose to Hydrogen?
A: With a "carbonkneel"
Q: What did one titration tell the other?
A: Let's meet at the endpoint.
Q: How can you spot a chemist in the restroom?
A: They wash their hands before they go.
Q: Why are chemists great for solving problems?
A: They have all the solutions.
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
Q: Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?
A: Because it's basic material.
Q: What is a cation afraid of?
A: A dogion.
Q: What did the Cowboy Chemist tell his horse?
A: HIO Ag!
Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
A: Methylated spirits.
Q: If H20 is water what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .
Q: According to a chemist, why is the world so diverse?
A: Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon!
Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel.
Q: What did the chemist say when he found two new isotopes of Helium?
Q: What's wrong with a joke involving Cobalt, Radon, and Ytterium?
A: its CoRn Y
Q: What do you get if you swap the carbon atoms in a benzene ring for iron atoms?
A: You get a ferrous wheel!
Q: What do you get when you combine samarium, argon, tellurium, asenic, and sulfur?
A: SmArTe AsS
Q: What is it called when Queen of England farts?
A: A noble gas
Q: What two elements do sheep belt when happy?
Q: What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?
A: OH SNaP!
Q: How did the blonde define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam?
A: Fear of utility bills.
Q: What fruit contains Barium and double Sodium?
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Q: Is life an alloy?
A: I said it because LiFe!
Q: Why is potassium a racist element?
A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.
Q: How ugly is your mom?
A: Even Fluorine won't bind to her!
Q: Do I know the molecular formula for sodium hydride?
Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared
A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads "Great Day Rates, Even Better NO3-'s"
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise...
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of sodas.
As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes.
The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!"
Teacher: Describe hydrogen
Student: It is a prostitute element
Teacher: Who taught you that?
Student: You said it does not belong to a particular group and it reacts with almost all the elements in the periodic table.
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
Two atoms are walking down the street.
One atom says to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Sixteen sodiums walk into a room. Who's next?
At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab.
A student promptly raised his hand and said, "Never lick the spoon."
A group of organic molecules were having a party, when a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all of the guest's joules.
A tall, strong man, armed with a machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers one by one.
The guests were very grateful to this man, and they wanted to know who he was.
He replied: My name is BOND, Covalent Bond.
A-u; Get away from my Gold!
C-u later copper!
HeHe I made you talk like a little boy
Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na
Don't forget to P-b 4 you go to lead!
John wrote an article in the school paper about how this chemical, dihydrogenoxide, has killed over 100,000 people world wide, usually through inhalation.
The story also went on that even if you wash your food you can never get this chemical off.
No matter what you do you will be exposed to this very dangerous chemical every day of your life until you die.
The story finished by claiming that there needs to be a government research group founded to find a solution. yada yada yada
Anyway, the local newspaper reporter read this story in his daughters school paper and decided to do a follow up.
If you haven't figured it out di-hydrogen-oxide is the correct name for H2O or water.
The deaths that he was quoting were from drownings.
Anyhow, this reporter ran the article in a paper and started a local push for a government study before they realized what the story was about.
Chemistry Pick Up Lines
You must be copper and tellurium cause you sure are CuTe!
Chem students do it on the table periodically
You must be calcium bicarbonate, because if you let me get you wet, then the reaction will be explosive.
I wish I were adenine because then I could get paired with U.
I wish I was an Ion so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
You be Flourine and I'll be Francium and maybe later I can give you an electron
Are you made of Beryllium, Gold, & Titanium cause your BE AU TI full.
If I could rearrange the periodic table, I'd put Uranium and Iodine together.
Baby, if you let me pump my H+ ions into your intermembrane space, it would induce a massive conformational change in my f1 complex.