Retirement Jokes

Q: Why do Retirees smile all the time?
A: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

Q: What is the "initial" state of retirement?
A: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

Q: How do you know your old?
A: People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?
A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!

Q: Why did the prostitute retire?
A: She screwed up!

Q: Why did the astronaut retire?
A: He got spaced out!

Q: When is a retiree's bedtime?
A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q: Why do retirees count pennies?
A: They are the only ones who have the time.

Q: What do retirees call a long lunch?
A: Normal.

Q: What do you call a show in which a 63 year old man preys on a pretty 19 year old girl?
A: The Bald and the Beautiful.

Q: Why did the homophobic politician retire?
A: He got a mandate!

Q: Why did the asshole retire?
A: He was tired of being the butt of all the jokes!

Q: Who are the hardest people to convince to retire?
A: Children at bedtime.

Q: Why did the butcher retire?
A: He was cut off in his prime!

Q: Why did the robber retire?
A: He just couldn't take it anymore!

Q: How do you know your old enough to retire?
A: Instead of lying about your age you start bragging about it!

Retirement is the part of life when the most difficult thing to do is nothing.

When a professional golfer retires what exactly does he do?

There's no equality between the sexes. Whoever heard of a housewife retiring.

Make sure you retire before it's too late to have a good time.

Life would be wonderful if a man could retire without telling his wife.

A WWII veteran earned his High School diploma at 91, 74 years after dropping out.. when asked what happens next, he said 'College Girls'.

To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid.

Senior Citizen Remixes

"You're So Varicose Vein" by Carly Simon
"How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?" by the BeeGees
"I Can't See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash
"These Boots Give Me Arthritis" by Nancy Sinatra
"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" by the Commodores
"I Get By with a Little Help from Depends" by the Beatles
"Talking' ´┐ŻBout My Medication" by the Who
"Bald Thing" by the Troggs
"You Can't Always Pee When You Want" by the Rolling Stones
"I Heard It through the Grape Nuts" by Marvin Gaye

Newborn Baby
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really! Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"

103 Years Old
A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Elderly Couple
An elderly couple go to church one Sunday.
Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Young Man
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

50th Anniversary

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.

Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

Bowel Movements

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

Elderly Women Drivers

Two elderly women Marie & Edith were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The Edith in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.
This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the Marie and said, "Marie! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Marie turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Good News Bad News

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

Brand New Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Who's The Boss

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.

"I am." said the man.

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"

The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.

"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

Final Request

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Army Retirement Bonus

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.

When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants. He did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?!"

The general replied, "Back in Nam!"

Sex Ed

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.

His grandfather continued to tell the young fellow that later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year - maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" The young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to into my bedroom. And she yells, 'F--- You!" And I holler back, "F--- You too'."

Two Smokers

Two Edith and Marie were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain.
Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Marie: What's that?
Edith: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Marie: Where did you get it?
Edith: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Marie: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.

70-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed: "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Five Dollars
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs five dollars, and five dollars is five dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs five dollars, and five dollars is five dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's five dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word or a squeal is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word or a sound. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I can't charge you the five dollars. The ride is free". Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but five dollars is five dollars."

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