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Q: Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
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A: Because you can't drink and derive...
Q: Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
A: Because it had more cents.
Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.
Q: How many molecules in a bowl of guacamole?
A: Avacado's Number
Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Q: How do you make seven an even number?
A: Take the s out!
Q: Why wasn't the geometry teacher at school?
A: Because she sprained her angle!!
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It's two gross.
Q: Why couldn't the moebius strip enroll at the school?
A: They required an orientation.
Q: What does a mathematician do about constipation?
A: He works it out with a pencil.
Q: Why is a math book always unhappy?
A: Because it always has lots of problems.
Q: Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle?
A: Because if you add 4+4 you get ate!
Q: Why did I divide sin by tan?
A: Just cos.
Q: Where do math teachers go on vacation?
A: To Times Square.
Q: What do you call friends who love math?
Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A: A roamin' numeral.
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9
Q: What did the mathematician say when he finished his christmas dinner?
A: root -1/ root 64 (I over 8)
Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
Q: Why did the mutually exclusive events break up?
A: They had nothing in common.
Q: How is an artificial christmas tree like the fourth root of -68?
A: Neither has real roots.
Q: How do you call a one-sided nudie bar?
A: A Mobius strip club.
Q: How does a math professor propose to his fiancée?
A: With a polynomial ring!
Q: What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab?
A: Snappy answers.
Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
A: They already 8 (ate)!
Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: When 2 are 1 and don't pay at10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3.
Q: What is a proof?
A: One-half percent of alcohol.
Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A middle school math problem!
Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin.
Q: What is non-orientable and lives in the ocean?
A: Mobius Dick.
Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four
Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'
Q: What is the world's longest song?
A: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall."
Q: How do you call the largest accumulation point of poles?
Q: How do you know when you've reached your Math Professors voice-mail?
A: The message is "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."
Q: What is normed, complete, and yellow?
A: A Bananach space...
Q: What did 2 say to 4 after 2 beat him in a race?
A: 2 Fast 4 U!
Q: What did the mathematician's parrot say?
A: A poly "no meal"
Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Don't bother me I've got my own problems!
Q: What is the definition of a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation
Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Student: You told me not to use tables.
A calculator she wanted...the natural rhythm of my log she got.
Applying For A Job
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a mathematician, one a statistician, and one an accountant.
The interviewing committee first calls in the mathematician. They say "we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?" The mathematician, without hesitation, says "1000." The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician.
When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statistician ponders the question for a moment, and then answers "1000... I'm 95% confident." He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
When the accountant enters the room, he is asked the same question: "what is 500 plus 500?" The accountant replies, "what would you like it to be?"
They hire the accountant.
Two statisticians go bird hunting. The first one fires at the bird but overshoots by 5 feet. The second one fires and undershoots the bird by 5 feet. They both give each other a high-five and say "Got it!".
A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife's obsession with mathematics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession, he finally confronts her: "Do you love math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear - I love you much more!"
Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: "Well, then prove it!"
Pondering a bit, she responds: "Ok... Let epsilon be greater than zero..."
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
George W Bush
George W. Bush visits Algeria.
As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."
A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math.
The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"
"You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"
If a ham sandwich is better than nothing and Nothing is better than Life, itself, does that mean that a ham sandwich is better than Life itself?
Wife or Girlfriend
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.
The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."
A mathematician, an engineer, and a computer scientist are vacationing together. They are riding in a car, enjoying the countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working.
The mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago. Someone should go back and ask for help."
The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it."
The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the doors, slam them shut, and see if everything works again?"
Son: "My math teacher is crazy".
Son: "Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2."
"What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"
"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."
So Descartes goes into a bar late one night for a beer.
At closing time, the bartender makes Last Call and asks him, "Get you another?"
Descartes replies, "I think not." And disappears.