Q: Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
A: Because you can't drink and derive...
Q: What does Calculus and my dick have in common?
A: They're both hard for you.
Q: Why wont Goldilocks drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
A: It's too cubed.
Q: What's the integral of (1/cabin)d(cabin)?
A: A natural log cabin!
Q: What is the first derivative of a cow?
A: Prime Rib!
Q: What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Because all poles are in Eastern Europe!
Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: "I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Q: What does the Ph.D. in math with a job say to the Ph.D. in math without a job?
A: "Paper or plastic?"
Q: What's the derivative of Amazon with respect to cost of shipping?
A: Amazon Prime!
Q: What is polite and works for the phone company?
A: A deferential operator.
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm
Q: Why was the parent function upset with its child?
A: It was stretched to its limit.
Q: What is purple and commutative?
A: An abelian grape
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Q: What wild animal is good at calculus?
A: The tangent lion.
Q: What is a proof?
A: One-half percent of alcohol.
Q: Why is a calculus book always unhappy?
A: Because it always has lots of problems.
Q: Why was the Calculus teacher bad at baseball?
A: He was better at fitting curves than hitting them.
Q: Have you heard about the constipated calculus teacher?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.
Q: Why was the function so bent out of shape?
A: Its regression model was too tight a fit.
Q: What is the integral of log cabin d cabin?
A: Log Cabin + sea = houseboat.
Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!
Q: What did one calculus book say to the other?
A: Don't bother me I've got my own problems!
Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice.
A: Zorn's Lemon.
Q: Why did the algebra students throw bottles of hand cream across the classroom?
A: They were investigating projectile lotion.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra.
A: Elephant zebra sin theta.
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
Someone released a set of supplementary notes on a textbook about differential calculus. It was a derivative work.
A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!"
So everybody gets scared and runs away.
Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!"
And the other guy says: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."
Two math professors are sitting in a bar.
One says "I am so dissapointed in people nowadays. Hardly anyone understands math properly."
The other one says "I think you are way to hard on people and anyways what a pessimistic view of life!"
The first man says "Whatever im going to the bathroom."
The remaining professor calls over the pretty blonde bartender and says "When I call you over next time and as you a question answer with x-cubed divided by 3"
The bartender says "uhhh what?"
The proffesor says repeat after me:
"divided by 3"
"deevided by tree"
So the other professor comes back from the bathroom and the optimistic professor says "Hey your statement earlier really upset me. Look I bet I can prove that an ordinary working girl knows high level math"
The other professor says "Alright prove it to me"
The first professor calls over the blonde bartender and says "Alright what is the integral of x-squared?"
And the bartender answers "x-cubed divided by 3!" as she walks away the other professor is all amazed.
Suddenly the bartender turns around and yells "PLUS THE CONSTANT OF INTEGRATION!"
Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help."
The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.
The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in differentiation, and all four finish it within ten minutes.
When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
"What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"
"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."