Q: If you have 7 apples in one hand and 5 apples in other so what you have?
A: A big hand
Q: Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle?
A: Because if you add 4+4 you get ate!
Q: How do you make seven an even number?
A: Take the s out!
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It's two gross.
Q: Wanna know something odd?
Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 ate 9!
Q: Where do math teachers go on vacation?
A: To Times Square.
Q: What does long division and my dick have in common?
A: They're both hard for you.
Q: What do you call a fish that knows addition?
A: An Octoplus.
Q: Why is an math book always unhappy?
A: Because it always has lots of problems.
Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A grade school math problem!
Q: What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab?
A: Snappy answers.
Q: Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
A: They already 8 (ate)!
Q: What do hungry math nerds eat?
A: Gram (Graham) crackers!
Q: What do you call a boss that refuses to fire anyone?
A: All talk and no subtraction.
Q: What is a proof?
A: One-half percent of alcohol.
Q: What happened to the plant in math class?
A: It grew square roots.
Q: How does a dancer count to 10?
Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.
Q: How do you make Todd an odd number?
A: Take the T out of him.
Q: What did math book say to the other?
A: Don't bother me I've got my own problems!
Q: What did 2 say to 4 after 2 beat him in a race?
A: 2 Fast 4 U!
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: Why do golfers put minus signs in front of their scores?
A: Because subtraction speaks louder than words.
Q: Why dont people put the numbers 2,3, and 0 together?
A: Because they are two turdy.
Q: What's 1 + 1?
A: A math equation!
Q: Bob has 38 Candy Bars, he eats 30 what does he have now?
A: Diabetes, Bob has Diabetes.
Q: Have you heard about the constipated math teacher?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.
Q: How do you teach a blonde math?
A: Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
MATH stands for Mental Abuse To Humans.
Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Student: You told me not to use tables.
Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?"
Student: "Ten Q"
Teacher: "You're Welcome."
Teacher: Let's find the square root of 1 million.
Student: Don't you think that's a bit too radical?
Teacher: Your behavior reminds me of square root of 2?
Teacher: Because its' completely irrational.
Father: What did you do in school today?
Son: We played a guessing game!
Father: I thought you had your math exam.
Four friends have been doing really well in their math class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help."
The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.
The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in arithmetic, and all four finish it within ten minutes.
When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
Son: "My math teacher is crazy".
Son: "Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2."
History vs Math
Once a math teacher and a history teacher had a fight wheather maths is better or history...........
History teacher: I will call all of Stalins army and kill you.
Math teacher: Then I will put all the army in the bracket and multiply it by zero.
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, "If you had 4 bagels and I asked for one, how many would you have left?"
Quickly he replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4 bagels."