Q: What is BP telling Americans about their latest plan for the Gulf oil spill?
A: Driving SUVs will melt the polar ice caps and dilute the spill!
Q: Why is the Mile High Club is ancient history?
A: Because its time for the Underwater Mating Club - Lubrication on the house !
Q: How do you know that the Gulf Oil Spill has gotten out of control?
A: When BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders!
Q: "Why shouldn't you try to kick a sandcastle and ruin a child's day"
A: "Because now you can simply throw a match at it!"
Q: "How do you know that containment efforts in the Gulf have failed?"
A: "BP gives up and tries to get the water out of the oil!"
Q: "What's worse than spilling your
20 drink on the floor?"
A: "Spilling 100 million gallons of oil into the gulf of Mexico!"
Q: Why should the American public be worried about the latest BP containment plan?
A: It's called "Operation Fingers Crossed"
Q: Whats the new slogan for British Petroleum Jelly®
A: "Because we know how to fuck you the best!"
Q: What happens if BP can actually contain and clean up the Gulf Oil Spill?
A: The government will then ask them to clean up the "Jersey Shore"!
Q: How does BP plan to pay for the billions of dollars in clean up costs from the gulf oil spill?
A: By RAISING GAS PRICES!
Q: What happens when you go to a seafood restaurant and order the Sea Bass?
A: They ask you if you want it regular or unleaded!
Q: Why does the CEO of British Petroleum think the "environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest?"
A: "He lives in England"
Q: How much oil has BP leaked into the Gulf Of Mexico
A: Enough that Cuban's can now walk to Florida!
Q: Why did President Obama refuse to offer BP CEO Tony Hayward a drink?
A: Obama thought Hayward would spill that too!
Q: What is BP using to catch up to 500,000 gallons of crude oil a day?
Obama sounded desperate in a White House press release today "Why don't we try to plug the oil leak with BP executives?"
"BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20."
"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." Jay Leno
"This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo." Bill Maher
"They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip." David Letterman
"British Petroleum said today that if this spill gets worse, they may soon have to start drilling for water." -Jay Leno