Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Q: How do you blind an Irish woman?
A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A: A sham rock
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How does every Irish joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Q: Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
A: So the Irish would never rule the world.
Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A:St. O'Claus!
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A:Sure, they're green with envy!
Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!
Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A:To keep from falling in the stew!
Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!
Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!
Q: What is Irish diplomacy?
A: It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip
Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!
Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A:Because they're very short-tempered!
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
Q: What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
A: Paddy O'Furniture
Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock
Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
A: Because they're always wearing green
Q: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
A: When it's a FRENCH fry!
Q: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
A: Some poor horse is going barefoot!
Q: Why did the elephant wear his green sneakers instead of his red ones?
A: The red ones were in the wash!
Q: Why is a river rich?
A: Because it has two banks
Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
A: Irish Who?
A: Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
Q: What is Barney's favorite thing on St. Patricks day?
A: A BLARNEY stone!
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare
Q: Have you ever heard of the 6-leaf clover?
A: I haven't either!
Q: Why do leprechauns hide behind 4-leafclovers and not 3-leafclovers?
A: They need all the luck they can get!
Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!
Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A: A leper con
"I named my pee-pee 'Guinness'
Ye can see 'e's 'angin' out.
And when 'e saw ye with 'is eye
'e went from pale to stout!"
St Patrick's Day Pick Up Lines
Are you from Ireland? Cause when I look at you my penis is Dublin.
"You look magically delicious, and I just happen to be a cereal adulterer."
"Tip o' the Trojan to ye!"
"If you don't sleep with me, the leprechauns have already won."
"How’d you like to help put the Irish Spring back into me shillelagh?"
"Well, lass, we're the only ones still standing. How about it?"
"Lassie, it's your ancestral duty to drive the snake out of my pants!"
"You've already had six Guinness draughts? Brilliant!"
St Patricks Day Bar Jokes
Sausage
Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them.
Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.
Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.
"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"
So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.
Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"
As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it...
In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints...
Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as fuck...!"
Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
Irish Priest
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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