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Halloween Jokes


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Halloween Short Jokes

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween?
Me: Drunk!

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it?
A "hollow-weenie!"

For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

Which ghost is the best dancer?
The Boogie Man!

This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

"Halloween" = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

I'll be your trick if you'll be my treat.

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween?
Pump kin!

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims?
On Fry Day

What's a monsters favorite desert?
I-Scream!

What do you call a Halloween boner?
Petrified wood

What do you call a dancing ghost?
Polka-haunt-us

Q: How do you write a book about halloween?
A: With a ghostwriter.

I'm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake.
Sincerely, Michael Myers

Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

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Vampire Jokes|Ghost Jokes|Halloween Pickup Lines|
Mummy Jokes|Pumpkin Jokes|Skelton Jokes|Werewolf Jokes|
Witch Jokes|Zombie Jokes|Other|

Vampire Jokes


Q: Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
A: He was all bite and no bark.

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.

Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A: A stake sandwich...

Q: Why do vampires need mouthwash?
A: They have bat breath...

Q: What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A: A guy with very high blood pressure...

Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin

Q: What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel...

Q: Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?
A: He heard it had great circulation.

Q: What is a vampires favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving

Q: What happens when two vampires meet?
A: It was love at first bite!

Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet?
A: blood-thirsty hacker baby

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snow man?
A: Frostbite

Q: Why do vampires scare people?
A: They are bored to death!

Q: How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
A: Every night he turns into a bat.

Q: What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It's a pain in the neck.

Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Q: What songs does Dracula hate?
A: "You Are My Sunshine" and "Sunshine on my Shoulders.

Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.

Q: What is a vampires least favorite food?
A: Steak

Q: What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.

Q: Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
A: He has a bat temper.

Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A: He had a fang-ache.

Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula

Q: Why are vampires like false teeth?
A: They all come out at night.

Q: Who does Dracula get letters from?
A: His fang club.

Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin.

Q: Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes?
A: Sandals don't look good with his tuxedo.

Q: What type of dog does every vampire have?
A: Bloodhound!

Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.

Q: What's a Vampire's least favorite song?
A: Another one bites the dust!

Q: What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A: A necktarine

Q: How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A: So long sucker!

Q: What did Dracula have for dessert?
A: Whine & Ice scream

Q: What is Dracula's favorite restaraunt?
A: Murder King

Q: Where do vampires keep their money?
A: The blood bank!!!

Q: What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes?
A: They suck!

Q: What is a vampire's favorite sport?
A: Casketball...

Q: Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
A: Because he likes to draw blood!

Ghost Jokes


Q: What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?
A: Ghoul-aid!!!

Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: "Do you believe in people?"

Q: Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

Q: Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
A: Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q: What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
A: Fasten your sheet belts...

Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul

Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo

Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the Boos.

Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.

Q: What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A: A scareplane...

Q: Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.
A: Because of the coffin.

Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he is always a goblin.

Q: What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae?
A: Whipped scream.

Q: What are ghosts' favorite kind of streets?
A: Dead ends

Q: What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
A: Mas-scare-a.

Q: Where do ghosts buy their food?
A: At the ghost-ery store

Q: Where do ghosts mail their letters?
A: At the ghost office

Q: What's a ghosts favorite ride at the carnival?
A: The roller ghoster

Q: Who was the most famous ghost detective?
A: Sherlock Moans.

Q: Where does a ghost refuel his porche?
A: At a ghastly station.

Q: Why do ghosts shiver and moan?
A: It's drafty under that sheet.

Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast?
A: Boo-Berries.

Q: What do ghosts eat for dinner?
A: Spookgetti

Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?
A: Transparents

Q: What kind of gum do ghosts chew?
A: Boo Boo Gum.

Q: What is a ghosts favorite sale?
A: A white sale.

Q: What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A: A boo-tie.

Q: What's a ghosts favorite desert?
A: Boo-berry pie.

Q: Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Q: When does a ghost have breakfast?
A: In the moaning.

Q: What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
A: Ghostcards

Q: What is a ghost's favorite party game?
A: Hide-and-go-shriek

Q: What kind of roads do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead Ends

Q: What do ghosts drink at breakfast?
A: Coffee with scream and sugar.

Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.

Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A: Mali-boo.

Q: Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
A: Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q: Where did the ghost get it's hair done?
A: At the boo-ty shop.

Q: Why can't Boy Ghosts make babies??
A: Because they have Hollow-Weenies!

Q: Where do ghosts go out?
A: Where they can get boooooo-ze.

Q: Where do ghosts go out?
A: Where they can get sheet-faced.

Q: What did the mother ghost say to her kids in the car?
A: Fasten your sheet belts.

Q: Why don't ghost have bands?
A: They get booooooooooed.

Q: Whats a ghost's favorate type of car?
A: A boo-ick

Q: Where do ghost go for fun?
A: To the boo-vies

Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A: Hoblin Goblin

Q: When does a ghost have breakfast?
A: In the moaning.

Q: What do ghosts drink at breakfast?
A: Coffee with scream and sugar.

Q: Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
A: It raises their spirits.

Q: What do ghosts call there girl friends?
A: There goul friends.

Q: How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A: So long sucker!

Q: What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
A: Boo boos

Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers

Q: What is a ghost's favorite band?
A: The Boos Brothers

Q: What is a Ghost's favorite food?
A: HamBoogers

Q: What is in a ghost's nose?
A: Boogers

Q: What did tha boy ghost say to the girl ghost?
A: You are the most booooooooo-tiful thing I have ever seen!

Q: What kind of shoes does a ghost wear?
A: boooooooooots

Mummy Jokes


Q: What was the mummies' vacation like?
A: Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.

Q: What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!!!!!

Q: Why was the mummy so tense?
A: Because he was all wound up.

Q: What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done?
A: Ok, that's a wrap.

Q: Why don't mummies take vacations?
A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea

Q: What do you call a little monsters parents
A: mummy and deady

Q: How do you scare a mummy
A: with a yummy dummy in a crash test crummy.

Skeleton Jokes


Q: What do the skeletons say be for eating?
A: Bone appetite

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to see a scary movie?
A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: When does a skeleton laugh?
A: When something tickles his funny bone

Q: Why do skeletons drink milk?
A: To help their bones!

Q: What do Skeletons like to eat?
A: Ribs

Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
A: Sherlock Bones.

Q: What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day?
A: Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To go to the body shop.

Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A: You suck.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.

Q: Why did the skeleton go to a BBQ?
A: For the spare ribs.

Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A: Napoleon bone-apart

Q: Why was the skeleton a bad archer?
A: Someone stole his bone and marrow.

Q: Why did the skeleton go disco dancing?
A: to see the boogy man.

Q: Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue?
A: To get another rib.

Q: What is a Skeleton's favorite song.
A: Bad to the Bone

Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body!

Q: What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A: Bone appetit !

Q: What kind of key does a skeleton use?
A: A skeleton key.

Q: What instrument do skeleton play?
A: Trom-BONE.

Q: Why did't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had no guts.

Q: What's a skeletons favorite part of the house?
A: the living room

Q: Why can't a Skeleton Lift Weights?
A: He's all bone & no muscle.

Q: Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party?
A: Because he had no body to go with.

Q: Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
A: Because they don't have any body to go out with...

Werewolf Jokes


Q: Who are some of the were-wolves cousins?
A: The what-wolves and when-wolves.

Q: Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
A: The whatwolves, the whowolves and the when wolves.

Q: Where do most werewolves live?
A: In howllywood, California

Witch Jokes


Q: What did the goblin say to the witch?
A: I don't know you tell me!

Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling

Q: Why don't witches wear underwear when riding their broomsticks?
A: So they can get a better grip!

Q: What do u get when theres a witch in the desert?
A: You get a sandwich.

Q: What do witches get at hotels?
A: Broom service

Q: What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Haloween?
A: Can i have the keys to the broom tonight.

Q: Who was the most famous witch detective?
A: Warlock Holmes

Q: What do they teach in witching school?
A: Spelling.

Q: Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle

Q: What do witches use in their hair?
A: Scare-spray

Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.

Q: Why does a witch ride a broom?
A: Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

Q: What do you call a witch's garage?
A: A broom closet.

Q: What do you call two witches living together?
A: Broommates.

Miscellaneous Halloween Jokes


Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!

Q: What's a monster's favorite bean?
A: A human bean.

Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.

Q: When a goblin comes home from work what does he say his wife?
A:"Hey pumpkin!"

Q: How do monsters tell their future?
A: They read their horrorscope.

Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he is always a goblin.

Q: What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A: A toasty ghosty.

Q: What do you call two spiders that just got married?
A: Newlywebbed

Q: Where do most goblins live?
A: in North and South Scarolina.

Q: What do Italian's eat on Halloween?
A: Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

Q: What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A: sour-puss

Q: What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with a skwaush?
A: a squashed pumpkin pie.

Q: How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
A: Give him screws.

Q: What can't you give the headless horseman?
A: A headache.

Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend

Q: What's a monster's favorite play?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet

Q: Riddle: the maker does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it?
A: a coffin.

Q: Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street?
A: He was dying to get to the other side!!

Q: What did the corpse' mom do when her son was bad?
A: Ground him

Q: What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes?
A: A cereal killer.

Q: What did the bird say on Halloween?
A: Trick or tweet!

Q: What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
A: Lemon-slime...

Q: What did the goblin say to the witch?
A: I don't know you tell me!

Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line

Q: What is a monster's favorite food?
A: Ghoul scout cookies

Q: When do gholes cook their victims?
A: On Fry Day

Q: What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: What kind of hot dog do you eat on Halloween?
A: a Halloweenie

Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin patch!!!

Q: When a blonde knock's on your door on Halloween what kind of candy do you give her?
A: An airhead

Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately...

Q: What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
A: Shrinkenstein...

Q: What did the graveyard digger say to the girl tomb?
A: I dig you

Q: Why was the compter scary?
A: It had a terrorbyte.

Q: What do you cross Michael Myers and a box of cherrios?
A: A cereal killer.

Q: Did you hear about the dead cow that come back to life?
A: He only eats GRAAAAIIIINNNNS.

How do you get to the witch apartments?
Go to the dead end and take a fright.

This Halloween I'm going to dress up as Maury Povich and visit the hospital delivery room telling a guy he is not the father.

Dear Jedi, Today is Halloween, there's never been a better time to join the Dark Side.

When Michael Myers tells a joke.... it kills!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body home?

Costumes
Two 5 year old black kids (boy and girl) went out trick or treating in a rich Texas suburb.

The other kids said this Texas Oil Billionaire was giving out ipods.

So they knocked on this guys door and said trick or treat, The guy asked them what they were dressed as?

The little girl said "Jack n Jill"

The guy said "You cant be Jack n Jill your black"

So the kids left and came back and the guy said "And what are you guys supposed to be this time?"

The little girl said "Hansel n Gretal"

The guy says "You cant be Hansel n Gretal your black"

So the kids leave upset only to come back a few min later.

This time they were naked.

The guys says " and just what are you supposed to be now?"

The little girl says "M&Mís, Iím plain and he got nuts"


The Devil
A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"


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