Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: a wrapper!
Q: What goes "oh oh oh"?
A: Santa walking backwards
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soot's him
Q: What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
A: Santa stopped at 3 ho’s.
Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A: Because they were originally made for children but the father wants
to play with them.
Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
A: They both have ornamental balls.
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses
Q: Which Limp Bizkit song did the Elf listen to while building toys?
A: He did it all for the cookies!
Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why the Christmas tree can’t stand up?
A: It doesn’t have legs.
Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Q: What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
A: Limp Bizkit
Q: Name the child's favorite Christmas king?
A: A stocking.
Q: What do you call a brothel in the North Pole?
A: a workshop
Q: What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert?
A: Camel ye Faithful.
Q: What part of the body do you only see during Christmas?
A: mistletoe.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve?
A: A pack of batteries which at the bottom says "toy not included".
Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on
Christmas Eve ?
A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
A: Snowballs.
Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.
Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What Christmas Carol is a
favorite of parents?
A: Silent Night
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad
Q: What do you call a smelly Santa?
A: "Farter Christmas"
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him
names"
The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
Christmas One Liners
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.
\
The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.
Is anyone else waiting until December 22nd to Christmas shop? Just in case the Mayans were right?
For Christmas I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.
All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuuu........to get hit by a reindeer
Last Christmas, I gave you my scarf but the very next day, you called it "dumb and gay"
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus. He gives me presents and is imaginary.
I got more hoes than Santa Claus.
It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
May Christmas be about what's in your Heart and not what's in your pocket!
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.
To all the people that piss me off, I hope you get Crocs for Christmas.
A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.
A boy writes to Santa asking for a brother and receives a reply back from Santa: send me your mother!
So when someone ask you " Where is your Christmas Spirit?" is it so wrong to point out your liquor cabinet?
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.
Dear Santa, I can explain.....
Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you’d been good this year!
Remember, Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it. It's about who's around it
Christmas light displays are the freestyle rap battles of the suburbs.
I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.
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