Christmas Jokes

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

Q: What do you call an elf who sings?
A: a wrapper!

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it soot's him

Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
A: Because the present's beneath them.

Q: What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet?

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: Tinselitis!

Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claws!

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: What does One Direction and my Christmas tree have in common?
A: They both have ornamental balls.

What does one ho plus two ho make?
Answer, a jolly Santa

Who dosen't eat on Christmas?
A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
to keep her off the North Pole

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses

Q: Which Limp Bizkit song did the Elf listen to while building toys?
A: He did it all for the cookies!

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Q: Why the Christmas tree can't stand up?
A: It doesn't have legs.

Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Q: What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
A: Limp Bizkit

Q: Name the child's favorite Christmas king?
A: A stocking.

Q: What do you call a brothel in the North Pole?
A: a workshop

Q: What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert?
A: Camel ye Faithful.

Q: What part of the body do you only see during Christmas?
A: mistletoe.

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve?
A: A pack of batteries which at the bottom says "toy not included".

Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
A: Santa stopped at 3 ho's.

Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
A: Snowballs.

Q: How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
A: He installs a parking meter on the roof.

Q: What do you call a frog hanging from a ceiling?
A: Mistletoad.

Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite

Q: What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?
A: Silent Night

I was looking out of the window this morning and said to my wife "It looks like rain dear."

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes

Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.

Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
A: Snowballs.

What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat?
A Merry Can (American)

Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A: Because they  were originally  made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Q: Why are Christmas trees better than Men?
A: Even the small ones give satisfaction

Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

Q: What did the snowman eat?
A: icebergs with chilli sauce.

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

What do you call a blind reindeer?.
I have no eye deer

What happens when you use the fireplace on Christmas Eve?
You Crisp Cringle.

What is Lil Jon's favorite holiday?

Q: How does santa afford all those christmas gifts?
A: He pimps his hos.

What doesn't Mr. Krabs celebrate Christmas?
Cause he's "Shell-Fish"

What do you call a singing elf with sideburns?

What do you call a scary reindeer?
A cariboo.

What do you call an incomplete christmas sentence?
A santa clause

What do you call a wet animal?
"A reindeer"

What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you..

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Q: What goes "oh oh oh"?
A: Santa walking backwards

Q: What do you call a smelly Santa?
A: "Farter Christmas"

Why is Santa's sack so full?
Because he only comes once a year

Where does santa keep his money?
a snow bank.

What do you call the wrapping paper leftover from opening presents?
a christ-MESS

I think Christmas is near!
Because i see a ho! ho! ho!

What did the little elves have to do when they got home from school?

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

When is Santa's favorite time of year?
The flalalalalalalala days

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?
A: Santa paws!

Q: What cars do elfs drive?
A: a toy yota.

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to cats?
A: Santa claws!

Why does santa have three gardens?
so he can ho ho ho

Q: What do you learn at Santa's Helpers school
A: The elf-a-bet

Q: Why does Santa go to strip clubs?
A: To visit all the ho ho ho's.

Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
because she was a ho ho ho.

What do you call an elf that sings?

Boy: Are you Christmas? Because I wanna merry you!
Girl: Is your last name Hall? Cause I wanna Deck The Halls.

If I was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus

Did u kiss santa?
No I just slept with him.
I made Santa say Ho Ho Ho.

Christmas Morning
On Christmas morning, a police on horseback had stop for a while.
A kid was beside him and the police said "Did Santa give you that bicycle."
The kid said yes.
Then the police man said "Next time tell Santa to put a taillight on it."
He gave the kid a ticket fined $20.
Before the police left, the kid asked "Did Santa give you the horse?"
The police, joking, said yes.
Then the kid said "Next time, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."

Christmas One Liners

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.

The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.

Is anyone else waiting until December 22nd to Christmas shop? Just in case the Mayans were right?

For Christmas I want Santa's list of naughty girls.

All I want for Christmas is get hit by a reindeer

Last Christmas, I gave you my scarf but the very next day, you called it "dumb and gay"

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus. He gives me presents and is imaginary.

I got more hoes than Santa Claus.

It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.

Yo mama so fat when she triend to talk to Santa Clause, Santa Clause said "Why u doing the harlem shake?"

May Christmas be about what's in your Heart and not what's in your pocket!

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

To all the people that piss me off, I hope you get Crocs for Christmas.

A song told me to Deck the I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.

A boy writes to Santa asking for a brother and receives a reply back from Santa: send me your mother!

So when someone ask you " Where is your Christmas Spirit?" is it so wrong to point out your liquor cabinet?

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.

Dear Santa, I can explain.....

Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you'd been good this year!

your mum is so fat that I took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing!

Remember, Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it. It's about who's around it

Christmas light displays are the freestyle rap battles of the suburbs.

I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

Christmas Eve
There were 3 guys who died on Christmas Eve & went to heaven.
St. Peter at the gate said since you all died on Christmas Eve you all got to show me something that represents Christmas.
First guy puts his hand in his pocket & pulls out a lighter lights it & said "Candle"
St. Peter said there are candles for Christmas go in
Second guy pulls out a set of keys & shakes them saying bells.
St. Peter said there are bell for Christmas go in.
Third guy pockets were turned inside out
"Well" St. Peter said
The guy puts his hand in his coat pocket & pulls out a pair of womans panties
St. Peter said now what do they have to do with Christmas?
The guy said "Oh theses are Carols."

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