Christmas Jokes

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper!

Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soot's him

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present's beneath them.

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet?

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What does One Direction and my Christmas tree have in common?
They both have ornamental balls.

What does one ho plus two ho make?
Answer, a jolly Santa

Who doesn't eat on Christmas?
A turkey because it is always stuffed.

Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole

How do you know Arnold Schwarzenegger is waiting in line with you on Black Friday?
He Jingles All The Way.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Which Limp Bizkit song do elves listen to while building toys?
He did it all for the cookies!

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up?
It doesn't have legs.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas?
The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

How dose santa get his Reindeer to fly?
He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!

Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit

Name the child's favorite Christmas king?
A stocking.

What do you call a brothel in the North Pole?
a workshop

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert?
Camel ye Faithful.

What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?
A lost clause.

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas?

How does an elf get to Santa's workshop?
By icicle.

I ate a lot of Xmas decorations for Xmas and I got really sick
Hear I had tinsel lightest.

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
He was looking for the holiday spirit.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen?

What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve?
A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa stopped at 3 ho's.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break?
Go gnome for the holidays.

What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?

How does a Jew celebrate Christmas?
He installs a parking meter on the roof.

What do you call a frog hanging from a ceiling?

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?
Silent Night

I was looking out of the window this morning and said to my wife "It looks like rain dear."

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad

Why doesn't Santa clause like getting stuck in chimneys?
Because he's clause-trophobic.

What do you call a christmas song parody that's not funny?
The first no-LOL

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

Why did Santa bring 22 reindeers to WalMart with him?
Because what he wanted to buy cost around 20 bucks and just in case it cost more he brought some extra doe.

What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat?
A Merry Can (American)

Why was Santa cast in a musical?
Because he had stage presents (presence).

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they  were originally  made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Why are Christmas trees better than Men?
Even the small ones give satisfaction

What do you call a sheep who doesn't like Christmas?
Baaaaaaaa humbug.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call a girl who cheats on you during the holidays?
A ho ho ho bag.

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

What's the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?
One slays the dragon and the other drags the slay.

Why can't you trust baked goods during the holidays?
It might be a minced spy.

What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.

What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

What do you call a blind reindeer?.
I have no eye deer

What happens when you use the fireplace on Christmas Eve?
You Crisp Cringle.

What do you call cutting down a Christmas tree?
Christmas Chopping.

What is Lil Jon's favorite holiday?

How does santa afford all those christmas gifts?
He pimps his hos.

What doesn't Mr. Krabs celebrate Christmas?
Cause he's "Shell-Fish"

What do you call a singing elf with sideburns?

What vaccination does Santa Claus get on Christmas Eve?

What do you call a scary reindeer?
A cariboo.

What do you call an incomplete christmas sentence?
A santa clause

What do you call a wet animal?
"A reindeer"

What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can't hear you..

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

What goes "oh oh oh"?
Santa walking backwards

What do you call a smelly Santa?
"Farter Christmas"

Why is Santa's sack so full?
Because he only comes once a year

Where does santa keep his money?
a snow bank.

What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole?

What do you call the wrapping paper leftover from opening presents?
a christ-MESS

I think Christmas is near!
Because i see a ho! ho! ho!

What did the little elves have to do when they got home from school?

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

When is Santa's favorite time of year?
The flalalalalalalala days

Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?
Santa paws!

What cars do elfs drive?
a toy yota.

Who delivers Christmas presents to cats?
Santa claws!

Why does santa have three gardens?
so he can ho ho ho

What do you call buying a piano for the holidays?
Christmas Chopin.

What do you learn at Santa's Helpers school
The elf-a-bet

Why does Santa go to strip clubs?
To visit all the ho ho ho's.

What do you call a can that has the Christmas spirit?
A Merry can.

Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
because she was a ho ho ho.

What does Christmas and weirdo's have in comman?

What does "The Grinch" do with a baseball bat?
Hit a gnome and run.

What did Santa say when he got stuck?
Ho Ho Helllpppppp!.
What did Santa sing when he went down the chimney?
"Chestnuts roasting over an open fire..."

How do you help someone who has lost the Christmas spirit?
Nurse them back to elf.

What do you call a bad puppy on Christmas?
Felix Naughty Dog

Where does Santa and his reindeer go to get hot chocolate while flying in the sky?

Why was the ornament addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees his whole life.

What do you call a snowman that can walk?

What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas?

What does a Pirate Santa say...?
"Row row row.."

What do hip hop artists do on Christmas?

What did the mall santa sing after seeing a MILF?
Tits the season to be jolly.....

What's Santas favorite snack food?
Crisp Pringles.

Have you heard the Christmas carol about blondes?
Its called "Not playing with a full deck the halls".

What do you call an elf that sings?

Why wouldn't Santa ride his sleigh?
For elf and safety concerns.

What did santa claus say to his wife?
Its going to reindeer.

Boy: Are you Christmas? Because I wanna merry you!
Girl: Is your last name Hall? Cause I wanna Deck The Halls.

If I was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you.

Watching Miracle on 34th Street makes me so santa-mental.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
Olive ?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Knock Knock!
Whos there?
Mary and Abby!
Mary and Abby who?
Mary christmas and a Abby new year.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tissue Who?
All I Want For Christmas Tissue...

Knock knock
Who's there?
Hannah who?
Hannah Partridge in a pear tree.

The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus

Did u kiss santa?
No I just slept with him.
I made Santa say Ho Ho Ho.

Mrs Clause: "Is it rain or hail?"
Santa: "It's reindeer."

Christmas Morning
On Christmas morning, a police on horseback had stop for a while.
A kid was beside him and the police said "Did Santa give you that bicycle."
The kid said yes.
Then the police man said "Next time tell Santa to put a taillight on it."
He gave the kid a ticket fined $20.
Before the police left, the kid asked "Did Santa give you the horse?"
The police, joking, said yes.
Then the kid said "Next time, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."

Christmas One Liners

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.

The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.

Is anyone else waiting until December 22nd to Christmas shop? Just in case the Mayans were right?

For Christmas I want Santa's list of naughty girls.

All I want for Christmas is get hit by a reindeer

Last Christmas, I gave you my scarf but the very next day, you called it "dumb and gay"

My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus. He gives me presents and is imaginary.

I got more hoes than Santa Claus.

I thought I'd get in trouble for taking a baseball bat to my neighbors Christmas decorations, but now I'm gnome free.

It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.

Yo mama so fat when she triend to talk to Santa Clause, Santa Clause said "Why u doing the harlem shake?"

May Christmas be about what's in your Heart and not what's in your pocket!

Dear Christmas Carolers, the only thing that can bring "Joy To The World" is a "Silent Night".

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

To all the people that piss me off, I hope you get Crocs for Christmas.

I had a dream about my kids finding their gifts early or as I like to call it "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

A song told me to Deck the I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.

A boy writes to Santa asking for a brother and receives a reply back from Santa: send me your mother!

So when someone ask you " Where is your Christmas Spirit?" is it so wrong to point out your liquor cabinet?

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.

Dear Santa, I can explain.....

Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you'd been good this year!

your mum is so fat that I took a picture of her last christmas and its still printing!

Remember, Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it. It's about who's around it

Christmas light displays are the freestyle rap battles of the suburbs.

I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

Christmas Eve
There were 3 guys who died on Christmas Eve & went to heaven.
St. Peter at the gate said since you all died on Christmas Eve you all got to show me something that represents Christmas.
First guy puts his hand in his pocket & pulls out a lighter lights it & said "Candle"
St. Peter said there are candles for Christmas go in
Second guy pulls out a set of keys & shakes them saying bells.
St. Peter said there are bell for Christmas go in.
Third guy pockets were turned inside out
"Well" St. Peter said
The guy puts his hand in his coat pocket & pulls out a pair of womans panties
St. Peter said now what do they have to do with Christmas?
The guy said "Oh theses are Carols."

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