Why don't they play poker in the zoo?
Too many cheetahs.
Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
It was a shih tzu.
What did the elephant say to a naked man?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
What do you call an angry monkey?
Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo?
Because they'd rather go to the cinema!
Why did the giraffe get bad grades?
He had his head in the clouds.
What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
What's the difference between a tiger and a lion?
A tiger has the mane part missing.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank!
Why can't you own a sick eagle?
Because it's Ill-eagle!
What do elephants and trees have in common?
They both have big trunks!
What did Matt Damon say when a wolf took a bite out of his leg?
Howl do you like them apples!
What to polar bears eat for lunch?
What do you call a naughty hippopotamus in nature?
Hip Hop Hooray...Ho..Hey...Ho.
What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam.
What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?
Elephino. (HEll if I know)
Whats a penguins favorite relative?
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
What do you call a place where the animals pratice martial arts?
What happened when the lion ate the comedian ?
He felt funny!
Why can't a leopard hide?
Because he's always spotted!
Why can't zoo animals take tests?
There are too many cheetahs!
Why don't Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
Don't tell me a funny lion joke or I'll puma pants.
A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.
Matt Damon asked his friends what they were planning for his birthday.
They told him "We bought a kazoo".
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that monkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
Life In A Zoo
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra, what are you?"
"I'm a cow" said the cow.
"Right, and what do you do?" asked the zebra.
"I make milk for the farmer" said the cow.
"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"
"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.
"Oh, right, what do you do?" asked the zebra.
"I make eggs for the farmer." said the chicken.
"Right - o, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your pajamas darling, and I'll show you."