Squirrel Bar Jokes
Nasty Little Boy
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
"Now Listen here," the policeman said,
"Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy.
"I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of Squirrels. He pulls the guy over and says...
"You can't drive around with squirrels in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says "OK"... and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of squirrels, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands...
"I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies...
"I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Father Son Hunting Trip
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The son answered" "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck."
"But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, should we eat them here or take them with us?"
"I guess I just panicked"."
Squirrel Short Jokes
How do squirrels remember where they stored their nuts during winter?
They use acorn-yms
Q: Why do squirrels swin on there back?
A: To keep their nuts dry!
Q: What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A: Female Squirrel.
Q: Why can't you be friends with a squirrel?
A: They drive everyone nuts.
Q: Why shouldn't you rape a tree?
A: There might be a squirrel in there looking for nuts.
Q: Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
A: Because their nuts won't fit.
Q: Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
A: To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Q: Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
A: It was one tough nut to crack.
Q: What did the bird say to the racing squirrel?
A: You walnut beat that!
Q: How many squirrels does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Actually, none because squirrels only change bulbs that are NUT broken.
Q: Why does it take more than one squirrel to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Because they're so darn stupid!
Q: Why was the squirrel late for work?
A: Traffic was NUTS.
Q: How do you catch a carpenter squirrel (definition: a squirrel that likes power tools)?
A: Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel interested in ornithology?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch (Sitta carolinensis).
Q: How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Q: How can you catch a gay squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits).
Q: How do you catch a squirrel with a Katy Perry fixation?
A: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut.
Q: How do you catch a mechanically inclined squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a 9/16 12N nut.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel for the holidays?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.
Q: How do you catch an Irish squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut.
Q: How do you catch a European Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a metric nut.
Q: How do you catch an English Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutty.
Q: How do you catch a rich squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat.....Nuts.