Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!
Q: What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A: A chipmunk.
Q: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A monkey with a machine gun.
Q: What kind of a key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
Q: Why did the monkey like the banana?
A: Because it had appeal!
Q: What do monkeys do for laughs?
A: They tell jokes about people!
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.
Q: What do you tell a bad monkey?
A: Stop chimping about.
Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Q: What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
A: It won't be long now.
Q: Where do monkeys go to drink?
A: The monkey bars!
Q: What do you call an angry monkey?
A: Furious George.
Q: Did you hear about the man who can jump from tree to tree?
A: He was a monkey's uncle.
Q: What do you call a Chimpanzee that works in a bar?
A: A Monkey Wench.
Q: What do you call a monkey with a wizards hat and wand?
A: Hairy potter
Q: What does a logger say before he cuts down a tree?
A: Let the chimps fall where they may.
Q: Did you hear about the awful jungle party?
A: Somebody forgot to bring the chimps and dip.
Q: Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail?
A: To a retailer!
Q: What did the banana do when he saw a monkey?
A: The banana split!
Q: Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs there!
Q: Why shouldn't you get into a fight with a monkey?
A: They use gorilla warfare.
Q: What do you call a monkey that succeeds at every sport?
A: A chimpion!
Q: Where do chimps get their gossip?
A: On the ape vine!
Q: How do you get an escaped lion back into his habitat?
A: With a bargaining chimp.
Q: What do you call a restaurant that throws food in your face?
A: a Monkey Business.
Q: How do you catch a monkey?
A: Climb a tree and act like a banana!
Q: What did the monkey say. When he slide down the flag pole?
A: Goodness gracious great balls of fire.
Monkey see monkey do, Monkey pee monkies pooo.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"