Back to: Animal Jokes
Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!
Q: What’s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A monkey with a machine gun.
Q: What kind of a key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Q: Why did the monkey like the banana?
A: Because it had appeal!
Q: What do monkeys do for laughs?
A: They tell jokes about people!
Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Q: What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
A: It won't be long now.
Q: Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail?
A: To a retailer!
Q: Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs there!
Q: Where do chimps get their gossip?
A: On the ape vine!
Q: How do you catch a monkey?
A: Climb a tree and act like a banana!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,
then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats
everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the
bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey
starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the
monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?",
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate
it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a monkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the monkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the monkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Night of Drinking
A man and his pet monkey walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my monkey."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the monkey falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a monkey."
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a monkey sitting next to him.
"Are you a monkey?" asked the man, surprised.
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The monkey replied, "Well, I liked the book."
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a monkey in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that monkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the monkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that monkey to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
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