Nasty Little Boy
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a guinea pig in the other.
"Now Listen here," the policeman said,
"Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy.
"I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of guinea pigs. He pulls the guy over and says...
"You can't drive around with guinea pigs in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says "OK"... and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of guinea pigs, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands...
"I thought I told you to take these guinea pigs to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies...
"I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
The Rat and the Guinea Pig
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a guinea pig and places him behind the piano. The guinea pig starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.
The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the guinea pig."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points tothe drunk who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"
The Drunk says, "Relax, the guinea pig is a ventriloquist"
Night of Drinking
A man and his pet guinea pig walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my guinea pig."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the guinea pig falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a guinea pig."
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a guinea pig sitting next to him.
"Are you a guinea pig?" asked the man, surprised.
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The guinea pig replied, "Well, I liked the book."
Q: What do you call a guinea pig with three eyes?
A: A guinea piiig.
Why was the Guinea Pig upset with his job?
It didn't pay enough salary (celery).
Why was the guinea pig's wife upset with her diamond ring?
It wasn't enough karats (carrots)
Q: What did the grape say when the guinea pig stood on it?
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Q: Why did the guinea pig cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Q: When does a guinea pig go "moo"?
A: When it is learning a new language!
Q: What do you call a guinea pig that can pick up an elephant ?
Where does the sports obsessed Guinea Pig go to watch football?
In his man-cavy.
Q: When do guinea pigs run away from rain?
A: When its raining cats and dogs!
One guinea pig asks another guinea pig, "Why do we always eat lettuce?"
The other guina pig replies and says, " What do you think?"
What does the other Guinea Pig say back.?
Because our owner Lets Us!! (as in Lettuce)