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Fish Jokes


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What did the fish say when he posted bail?
"I'm off the hook!"

Why don't fish like basketball?
Cause they're afraid of the net

Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon!

What do you call a fish with a tie?
soFISHticated

What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A Loan shark!

How do you make an Octupus laugh?
With ten-tickles

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing?
Just for the halibut!

Why don't fish play basketball?
Because there afraid of the net.

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.

What do you call a fish that needs help with his or her vocals?
Autotuna

Who do fish always know how much they weigh?
Because they have their own scales.

What is the difference between a piano and a fish?
You can tune a piano but you cannot tuna fish.

Why did Sally go to the Lake after her brothers teased her? To fish for compliments.

What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
Good morning ladies.

What did the salmon say when he swam into a wall?
Damn!

Whats the best way to catch a fish?
Have some one thow it at you.

What does the pope eat during lent?
Holy mackerel!

Why did the octopus cross the road?
To get to the other tide.

What do you call a lazy crayfish?
Slobster

How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance.

Did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt?
Now he's a bronze fish.

What happens when you put nutella on salmon?
You get salmonella

What did the magician say to the fisherman?
Pick a cod, any cod!

Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Tentacles.

Q: How does a seahorse quickly get from one place to another?
A: He scallops!

Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
He pulled a muscle

Why are fish such intelligent creatures?
Because they swim in schools!

What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike!

How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
He prawned everything!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh!

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible!

Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other tide!

Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail!

How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row!

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
Monkfish!

How do you keep a fish from smelling?
Cut off his nose.

What bit of fish doesn't make sense?
The piece of cod that passeth all understanding!

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?
A fish tank!

What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?
Tsardines!

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!

Why are gold fish orange?
The water makes them rusty!

Who held the baby octopus to ransome?
Squidnappers!

What part of a fish weighs the most?
It's scales!

What fish do road-menders use?
Pneumatic krill!

What is a trouts main job?
To keep his daughter off the pole.

What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers!

What game do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna!

What do naked fish play with?
Bare-a-cudas!

What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?
An electric shark!

What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fssshh

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
Jack the kipper!

Have you heard about the Sauna that serves food?
Their specialty is steamed mussels.

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
Whale of fortune!

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
To the prawn broker!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather!

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
He got lockjaw!

Where do fish wash?
In a river basin!

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish!

What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab?
Snappy answers.

How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale!

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish!

Have you ever heard of the gold fish that went bankrupt?
Now he's a bronze fish

What do you get when you cross a mink with an octopus?
A coat of arms.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!

Q: What is the most expensive kind of fish?
A: a goldfish

Where do you weigh whales?
At a whale weigh station!

How did the marine mollusk get into college?
Apparently it got in on a scallopship!

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse!

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, I Hate 47% of You-ish

There's plenty of fish in the sea... Just be careful not to catch crabs.

Two fish in a tank - one says to the other "Can you drive this thing?"

Our asking, "Where is God?" is like a fish asking, "Where is water?"

If you think of a better fish pun. Let minnow.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

I always lose at connect four, tic tac toe, go fish. & relationships.

there's plenty of fish in the sea, but you're my nemo.

Men are like fish neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Tell a man one of your long, pointless fishing stories, and he'll never bother you again.

There was a sale at the fish market today. I went to see what was the catch.

My disney channel was "Even Stevens", "That's so Raven", & "Lizzie McGuire" It didn't involve talking fish or 11 year olds in high school.

Instead of a cat, buy your kid a fish. It's easier to flush.

I got 99 problems but a fish aint one

Only Smart People Will Get This: 2+2= Fish, 3+3= Eight, 7+7= Triangle, 4+4 = Arrow, 8+8 = Butterfly

There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.


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