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Duck Jokes

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Q: At what time does a duck wake up?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Q: What do you call a cat that swallows a duck?
A: A duck-filled-fatty-pus

Q: Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem?
A: He was a quackhead.

Q: What do you call a duck that steals?
A: A robber ducky.

Q: What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
A: "Let's quack this case!"

Q: What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
A: "I hope I didn't quack any!"

Q: What did the duck say when the waitress came?
A: Put it on my bill!

Q: What do ducks get after they eat?
A: A bill!

Q: What happens when a duck flies upside down?
A: It quacks up

Q: What do you call a duck on drugs?
A: a quackhead

Q: Where did the duck go when he was sick?
A: To the ducktor!

Q: How do you make a duck sing soul music?
A: Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers

Q: Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
A: Because they would quack up!

Q: What did the drug diller say to the duck?
A: Are you on quack?

Q: Why was the teacher annoyed with the duck?
A: Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!

Q: What does a duck get after he eats?
A: A bill

Q: What do ducks have with soup?
A: Quackers!

Q: What do ducks watch on TV?
A: Duck-umentaries!

Q: What do you call a duck with fangs?
A: Count Duckula!

Q: What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A: A box of quackers!

Q: What happens when Donald Duck flies upside down?
A: He quacks up!

Q: What is a chick's favorite drink?
A: Peepsi!

Q: Why are ducks bad drivers?
A: Their windshields are qwacked.

A duck walks in to a bar and says "Give me 200 beers". The bar tender says "How are you going to pay for that?" So the duck says "Just put in on my bill!"
Two Scottish Ducks were waddling down the road.
One said "Quack"
The other said "I am going as Quack as I can"

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the duck. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Night of Drinking
A man and his pet duck walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my duck."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the duck falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a duck."

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a duck sitting next to him.
"Are you a duck?" asked the man, surprised.
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The duck replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a duck in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that duck?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the duck again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that duck to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

Two Ducks
Two ducks are in a pond.
One went "Quack quack!"
And the other duck said "Thats funny I was just about to say that!"

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