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Dog Jokes

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Q: How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
A: Terrier-fied!

Q: What do you get if you cross a gun dog with a telephone?
A: A golden receiver!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
A: Dingo Starr!

Q: What do you call a dog magician?
A: A labracadabrador.

Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee?
A: a Greyhound Buzz.

Q: Why wouldn't the dog sit on his chair?
A: Because he left his sheet[shit] on there.

Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates?
A: Aware wolf.

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

Q: Why did the dog need help on his Pros and Cons chart?
A: He was CON-fused!

Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the "barking" lot!

Q: What did the skeleton say to the dog?
A: bonappetite

Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A: A friend you can count on.

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
A: The collie wobbles!

Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!

Q: What do you call a cold dog?
A: A Chilli Dog.

Q: How is a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
A: A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!

Q: When does a dog go "moo"?
A: When it is learning a new language!

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can't bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: What's a dog's ideal job?
A: Barkeology

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: "Because no one else will do it for them!"

Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: "Well, doggone!"

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

Q: What is a dog's favorite sport?
A: Formula 1 drooling!

Q: What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
A: A Great Dane out!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter.... he's not going to come anyway.

Q: Where does a Rottweiller sit in the cinema?
A: Anywhere it wants to!

Q: What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?
A: "I must throw that doggie out the window!"

Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A bloodhound!

Q: Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
A: Because his boots were at the menders!

Q: Why does a dog lick his own dick?
A: Because he cant make a fist

Why does the dog bring toilet paper to the party?
Because he is a party pooper.

Q: What is a dog's favorite food?
A: Anything that is on your plate!

Q: What is the only kind of dog you can eat?
A: A hot dog!

Q: What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it?
A sausage dog!

Q: What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
A: Use a pencil instead!

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
A: You can step in a poodle!

Q: What happens when you throw a ball in a dogs butt?
A: It comes out as ballshit.

Q: Why was the cat scared of the tree?
A: Because of its bark.

Q: What sort of clothes does a pet dog wear?
A: A petticoat!

Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion?
A: A terrified postman!

Q: What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was much worse than it's bite!

Q: What is a dogs favorite flower?
A: Anything in your garden!

Q: What dog wears contact lenses?
A: A cock-eyed spaniel!

Q: What's a dog favorite hobby?
A: Collecting fleas!

Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
A: That hit the spots!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena?
A: I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
A: Cockerpoodledoo!

Q: What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories?
A: A shaggy dogs tale!

What did the tree say to the dog?
Tree: Do you like bark?
Dog: What do you think? I bark every day of my life. Of course I do

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different Languages. For example, in China a Dog makes a Sizzling noise.

Would you like to buy a male dog or female dog? B**ch please.

A three legged dog walks in the bar and says - "I'm lookin' for the guy who shot my paw"

I went to the zoo today, there was only one animal. It was a shitzu.

Man: I have a dog that doesn't have a nose.
Other Man: And how does he smell?
Man: Awful.

Little Sister
A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom.
There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what are you doing to mama?"
Then the daddy says "Making you a little sister"
And then the boy replies "Hell no do it doggy style I want a puppy."

A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

Playing Chess
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

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