Two Men Hunting
Two men went hunting. One had been an avid hunter; hunting all his life, the other man was a city boy; hunting for the first time.
The avid hunter told city boy to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.
But when the first man got 100 yards away, he heard a scream.
"I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.
"I was when the snake bit me," the man said.
"And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed."
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of chipmunks. He pulls the guy over and says...
"You can't drive around with chipmunks in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says "OK"... and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of chipmunks, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands...
"I thought I told you to take these chipmunks to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies...
"I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Nasty Little Boy
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a bb gun in one hand and a chipmunk in the other.
"Now Listen here," the policeman said,
"Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"
"In that case," said the boy.
"I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"
The Rat and the Chipmunk
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chipmunk and places him behind the piano. The chipmunk starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.
The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the chipmunk."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points tothe drunk who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"
The Drunk says, "Relax, the chipmunk is a ventriloquist"
Q: Why do chipmunks swim on there back?
A: To keep their nuts dry!
Q: Why did the chipmunk cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Q: Why was the chipmunk late for work?
A: Traffic was NUTS.
Q: How many chipmunks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Actually, none because chipmunks only change bulbs that are NUT broken.
Q: Why does it take more than one chipmunk to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Because they're so darn stupid!
Q: Why can't you be friends with a chipmunk?
A: They drive everyone nuts.
Q: Why do Chip N Dale sit on their butts all day?
A: To keep their nuts dry!
Q: What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A: A chipmunk.
Q: What do you call a chubby chipmunk?
Q: Why shouldn't you rape a tree?
A: There might be a chipmunk in there looking for nuts.
Q: Why don't chipmunks wear skinny jeans?
A: Because their nuts won't fit.
Q: How does Alvin the Chipmunk like to drive a car?
A: Fast and Furry-ous.
Q: Why did the chipmunk take apart the classic car?
A: To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Q: Why couldn't the chipmunk eat the macadamia nut?
A: It was one tough nut to crack.
Q: Why shouldn't you let Alvin drive a boat?
A: He's likely to get Chipwrecked.
Q: What do you call 144 chipmunks in a box?
Q: How do you catch a carpenter chipmunk (definition: a chipmunk that likes power tools)?
A: Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood.
Q: How do you catch a chipmunk interested in ornithology?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch (Sitta carolinensis).
Q: How do you catch a Polynesian chipmunk?
A: Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Q: How can you catch a gay chipmunk?
A: Climb a tree and pretend to be an almond (botanically speaking, almonds are fruits).
Q: How do you catch a chipmunk with a Pamela Anderson fixation?
A: Climb a tree and act like a chestnut.
Q: How do you catch a mechanically inclined chipmunk?
A: Climb a tree and act like a 9/16 12N nut.
Q: How do you catch a chipmunk for the holidays?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutmeg.
Q: How do you catch an Irish chipmunk?
A: Climb a tree and act like a green pistachio nut.
Q: How do you catch a European Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a metric nut.
Q: How do you catch an English Squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like nutty.
Q: What do you call a man named Alvin who has monkeys that stole your potato chips?
A: Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Q: How do you catch a rich chipmunk?
A: Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat.....Nuts.
Nothing makes me more Santa-mental then taking the kids to see an Alving and the Chipmunks movie.