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Cat Jokes


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Q. How do you know when your catís done cleaning herself?
A. Sheís smoking a cigarette.

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A: A terrified postman!

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens?
A: a meowntain

Q: When is a lion not a lion?
A: When he turns into his cage!

Q: Why don't cats like online shopping?
A: They prefer a cat-alogue.

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
A: I'm paw!

Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had a litter of mittens.

Q: What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother's sister?
A: An aunt-eater!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry

Hell yeah Iím a catholic iíve been addicted to cats my whole life

Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon?
A: A car-pet

Q: What do tigers wear in bed?
A: Stripey pyjamas!

Q: What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
A: The purrpatrator.

Q: How do you get a wet pussy?
A: Put it in the shower.

Q: Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?
A: Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

Q: What is smarter than a talking cat?
A: A spelling bee!

Q: What is the most breathless thing on television?
A: The Pink Panter Show!

Q: What is a cat's favorite color?
A: Purrrple!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
A: A stripey jumper!

Q: What do you get if you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A: A peeping tom.

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A: A sourpuss!

Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
A: They both wear stripes!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!

Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?
A: Because he has sandy claws!

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!

Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
A: Chocolate mousse!

Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!

Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
A: 'Claws.'

Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?
A: A stri-ped!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!

Q: What do you call a cat that wears make up?
A: Glamourpuss.

Q: What do cats like to read?
A: Cat-alogues!

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!

Q: What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants?
A: Purrr-suasive.

Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck?
A: a duck-filled platy puss.

Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?
A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.'

Q: What is lion's favorite food?
A: Baked beings!

Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny!

Q: What's striped and bouncy?
A: A tiger on a pogo stick!

Q: What is the cat's favorite TV show?
A: The evening mews!

Q: How can you get a set of teeth put in for free?
A: Smack a lion!

Q: What is a cat's favorite dance move?
A: The Purr-colator.

Q: Why was the cat scared of the tree?
A: Because of its bark.

Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxi cabs!

Q: How is cat food sold?
A: Usually purr can!

Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A: A tiger moth!

Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?
A: 'Let us prey.'

Q: What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A: A catastrophe!

Q: Who was the most powerful cat in China?
A: Chairman Miaow!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
A: A cat-a-logue!

Q: What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
A: An octopuss!

Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!

Q: When the cat's away.....?
A: The house smells better!

Q: What is a cats favorite vegetable?
A: As-purr-agus.

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A: A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!

Q: Did you hear about the passenger who had to be escorted off the airplane?
A: She let the cat out of the bag.

Q: What's a cat's favorite button on the tv remote?
A: Paws

Q: Did you hear about the cat that thought she was a dog?
A: She was purr-plexed.

Q: What do cats like to eat on sunny days?
A: Mice cream cones!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?
A: Santa Claws!

Q: Why was the cat so small?
A: Because it only ate condensed milk!

Q: What do you call Long John Silver when he has a cat on his shoulder?
A: A purr-ate!

Q: Did you hear about the cat who wanted a dog to teach her how to bark?
A: Curiousity killed the cat.

Q: How do the Vietnamese like their soup?
A: Purrrrrfect.

Q: What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo?
A: An eskimew!

Q: What is a cats favorite musical instrument?
A: Purr-cussion.

Q: What do you call a cat that can't stop licking itself?
A: Purrr-verted.

Q: Why did the cat cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off!

Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school?
Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!"

My kitten was having trouble watching her Blu-Ray. Turns out she just had the movie on paws.

yo cat is so fat when it tried to chase the lazer pointer it made a earth quake.

I got rid of my boyfriend. The cat was allergic.

Cats are like potato chips. You can never have just one.

Since my cat is getting old, I'm gonna start calling him GranPAW.

My boyfriend came over, saw my litter box, and smugly said, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
He wasn't so smug when I told him, "No, it's for company!"

Movies
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a cat sitting next to him.
"Are you a cat?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The cat replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat.
"What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!"
The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

Old Cat Lady
It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room.

The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up."

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"

So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy."

Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime.

The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."

Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled.

"Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!"

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"

 

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