Crystal Meth Jokes

Q: How many meth users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 4, one to hold the lightbulb and three to smoke until the room spins.

Q: What do you call it when you spill meth into your cake mix?
A: Baking bad.

Q: Why did a woman include a bag of meth with her ATM transaction?
A: She thought it would speed up her deposit!

Q: Why wont they let tweakers in the Olympics?
A: Because they wont pass the torch.

Q: Did you hear about the duck with a drug problem?
A: He was a quackhead.

Q: How do you know your favorite children's book author is hoooked on Meth?
A: His newest book is entitled "The Little Engine That Could...The Miracles of Crystal Meth"!

Q: How do you know your son or daughter is a meth fiend?
A: They keep saying "Fuck dude, gimme some damn crystal meth!"

Q: Why shouldn't the police arrest the manager of a Sonic fast food joint in Cape Girardeau, Missouri for cooking Meth in the restaurant?
A: Because it was the healthiest item on the menu!

Q: How do you know Andre Agassi used Crystal Meth regularly in the 1990s?
A: It explains his hair, clothes, and makeup!

Q: What is Walter Whites favorite Dr. Seuss book?
A: How the Grinch Stole Crystal Meth.

Q: What do you call a dictionary using meth?
A: addictionary.

Q: What do you get when you give away free meth at a redneck zoo?
A: Iced animal crackers!

Q: What's the difference between a sidewalk, a drug dealer , and a prostitute?
A: A sidewalks crack doesn't leave an odor!

Q: Why shouldn't NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield be worried about getting kicked off the circuit for using Crystal Meth?
A: He now is the frontrunner to star in the sequel to "Speed Racer"

Q: Why couldn't actor Ryan O'Neal stop using Meth?
A: He constantly needs a pick me up and scratching at imaginary bugs on his skin is a bonus!

Q: Why shouldn't Sarah Palin be President of the United States?
A: Because Wasilla is the Crystal Meth capital of Alaska!

Q: What do you call a meth-head that's been up for 2 weeks?
A: A two-weeker (

Q: What do call a tweaker trying to outrun the cops?
A: A high speed chase.

Q: Why do tweakers like to have sex doggy style?
A: So that they can both look out the window
Q: How do you know that your in the Deep South (of USA)?
A: You get caught with cocaine and the police charge you for possession of "fancy meth".

Q: What was the original name of the tv pilot for Ty Pennington's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition?
A: Crystal Meth Makeovers: How else do you think we build entire homes in a week!

Q: Why did Full House star Jodie Sweetin start using Crystal Meth?
A: Because Dave Coolier stopped telling her to "cut it out"!

Q: What do you call a childrens book about a chickenhead?
A: The Little Engine That Just Gave Up & Got High.

Q: Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid and Crystal Meth?
A: He said he could stop anytime.

Q: What's the best thing about being a meth addict?
A: Only one sleep till christmas.

Q: What is the worst thing about having snorted way too much meth?
A: You have to hold the jet when you take a leak.

Q: What can tourists do on a $65 tour of gang turf in Los Angeles?
A: Purchase a postcard, t-shirt, and some crystal meth!

Q: Where did Reverend Ted Haggard find god?
A: Under a bag full of crystal meth!

Q: What kids show did Jesse Pinkman grow up watching?
A: Dexter's Meth Laboratory.

Statement: Alabama recently ranked #2 in the BCS polls
Punchline: The only polls that rank the state higher are for competitive eating and crystal meth.

Q: What do you have in a room full of tweakers?
A: A complete set of teeth!

Q: How can you pick out the tweaker in the grocery store?
A: He is the one with his cart flipped upside down fixing the wheels!

Q: What's the difference between a crackhead and a tweaker?
A: The crackhead will steal your shit and bounce, the tweaker will steal your shit and then help you look for it.

Q: Why do crank-users like to "do it" doggie style?
A: So, they can both look out the window at the same time.

Q: What is Jesse Pinkmans favorite subject in school?
A: Methamatics.

It's not peer pressure, it's just your turn.

If a church starts dealing drugs are they crystal methodists.

What if Instagram instantly gave you a gram?

What did the twerker say the tweeker?
Twerker: Girl where did you get those moves?
Tweeker: What moves i aint moving.

Really Horny
So this guy is on speed, which makes him feel really horny, so he walks into a whore house to get himself a good f**k. On the inside he remembers that he's a bit short on cash so he says to the mistress:

"Listen, I only have five dollars, can you help me out?"
The lady says:
"Sure, go up the stairs and go in the door on the right."
The guy goes up the stairs and in through the door. He sees a chicken sitting on a table. He is a little disappointed but the speed is kicking in so he figures:
"Oh well you get what you pay for!", and he screws that chicken to near death, there are feathers flying everywhere.

So the next day the guy is still a bit high and decides to go back to the whorehouse. He says to the madam:

"Listen lady, I've only got two bucks today. Can you do anything at all for me?"
"Sure!" says the madam. "Go up the stairs and in the door on the left this time".

The guy goes in through the door on the left and finds a bunch of guys staring through a two-way mirror at two beautiful lesbians having sex.

"This is fantastic. Only two bucks for this!!" the guy says to one of the other men. The other man says
"Yes, but you should have been here yesterday, there was guy in there fucking a chicken!"

O and o
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking meth and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o and told
them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle)is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs  forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them,
"This is your asshole before prison...."

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