Vancouver Canucks Jokes
Q: What do the Vancouver Canucks and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice!
Q: What's the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and the Vancouver Canucks?
A: Frequent Flyer Miles earn points.
Q: Why do Canucks fans drink from a saucer?
A: Because the cup's always in Detroit!
Q: Why did the Canucks enforcer retire early?
A: He was ice fishing and got run over by the zamboni!
Q: Why don't the Canucks drink tea?
A: Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Q: What do you call 5 Vancouver Canucks players standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why are the Canucks like grizzly bears?
A: Every fall they go into hibernation.
Q: What does a recent high school dropout and the Vancouver Canucks have in common?
A: They're both young, have no goals and no good prospects.
Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Red Wings and the Vancouver Canucks?
A: The last Red Wings Stanley Cup team picture isn't in black and white.
Q: What's the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Canucks tickets?
A: People would pass up a pair of Canucks tickets.
Q: What's the difference between a fat chick and the Canucks?
A: Even a fat chick scores every once in a while!
Q: Why do the Canucks suck at geometry?
A: Because they never have any points.
Q: What is it called when a Vancouver Canucks player blows in another Canucks players ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What do college students and the Canucks have in common?
A: They've both finished their year by April.
Q: What's blue and orange and goes down the toilet faster than Liquid Plumber?
A: The Vancouver Canucks
Q: What do a fine wine and the Vancouver Canucks have in common?
A: They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.
Q: Why did the Post Office recall their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Canucks players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Canucks fan?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!
Q: What do you get when you combine all 23 Vancouver Canucks with 23 lesbians?
A: Fourty-Six people that dont do dick!
Q: What is the difference between a Vancouver Canucks fan and a pot hole?
A: I would swerve to avoid the pot hole!
Q: What song do Vancouver Canucks fans sing before the end of the third period?
A: Nobody knows. There's never any of them left.
Q: Whats the difference between the Vancouver Canucks and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.
Q: What do the Vancouver Canucks and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Q: What does a Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 and the Vancouver Canucks have in common?
A: They are both at the bottom of the Pacific.
Q: What is the difference between a Canucks fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.
Q: Did you hear the Vancouver Canucks are moving to the Phillipines?
A: They are going to be called the Manilla Folders!
Q: What do I have in common with the Vancouver Canucks?
A: Next week, we'll both be watching the Stanley Cup Finals on television.
Q: What do Vancouver Canucks fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How many Vancouver Canucks does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
Q: What do you call 23 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Finals?
A: The Vancouver Canucks.
Q: How can you tell if a Canucks fan just sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it!
Q: What do the Vancouver Canucks and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 15,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".
Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and an Vancouver Canucks fan?
A: The bucket.
Q: If you have a car containing a Canucks forward, a Canucks center, and a Canucks defender, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.
Q: How do you casterate an Vancouver Canucks fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth
Q: What should you do if you find three Vancouver Canucks hockey fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.
Q: What's the difference between an Vancouver Canucks fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Q. How did the Vancouver Canucks fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q: What does an Vancouver Canucks fan do when his team has won the Stanley Cup?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
Q: How many Vancouver Canucks fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!
Q: What does a Vancouver Canucks fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: Why do Vancouver Canucks fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
Q: How do the Canucks spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights
Q: How do you keep a Canucks fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick Red Wings red and white and he won't beat it for years!
Q. Why do ducks fly over Rogers Arena upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!
Q: Did you hear that Vancouver's hockey team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.
Q: What's the difference between a Rogers Arena hotdog, and a Joe Louis Arena hotdog?
A: You can buy a Joe Louis Arena hotdog in May!
Q: Why did BP hire the Vancouver Canucks to clean up the Gulf oil spill?
A: Because they'll go out there and throw in the towel!
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Vancouver Canucks fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog
Q: What is a Vancouver Canucks fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Detroit."
Q: How do you stop an Vancouver Canucks fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Detroit Red and White!
Q: What's the difference between the Rogers Arena and a red light district?
A: In a red light district, you pay $300 bucks and somebody scores.
Q: What's the difference between the Toronto Raptors and the Vancouver Canucks?
A: The Raptors shoot at a net.
Q: Why are the Vancouver Canucks like Canada Post?
A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!
Q: Why are Vancouver Canucks jokes getting dumber and dumber?
A: Because Canucks fans have started to make them up themselves.
Q: What's the difference between the Vancouver Canucks and a pinball machine?
A: The pinball machine scores more often and has more points.
According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are Vancouver Canucks fans.
Can a Vancouver Canuck drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.
My wife was about to put my son in a Canucks jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.
I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put a Canucks jersey on it and now it sucks again.
Why did the Vancouver Canucks fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.
Reckless Driver
A Canucks fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Red Wings fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious hockey jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Red Wings fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Red Wings fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
Better at Sex
There were two men, one was a Canucks fan and the other was a Red Wings fan.
These men were both madly in love with the same woman. So the woman challenged that whichever man does a better job at having sex with her would be her boyfriend.
Both men accepted the challenge.
That night, the woman had sex with the Canucks fan and then the other night had sex with the Red Wings fan. The next day the woman chose the Red Wings fan to be her boyfriend.
Shocked and outraged, the Canucks fan asked why she didn't choose him.
She replied by saying, "You, like your team not only come up short but always finish early!"
Career Day
It's career day in elementry school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the Vancouver Canucks.'
First Grade
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Vancouver Canucks fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Canucks fans, too.
Not really knowing what a Canucks fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Canucks fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Detroit Red Wings fan.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Red Wings fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Red Wings fans, and I'm a Red Wings fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Canucks fan."
Skunk
"A skunk walk's into a bar and sees 3 guys in the corner wearing Canucks jerseys.
He turns to the bartender and says "Ya'll think I stink."