Calgary Flames Jokes


Q: What do the Calgary Flames and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice!

Q: What's the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and the Calgary Flames?
A: Frequent Flyer Miles earn points.

Q: Why do Flames fans drink from a saucer?
A: Because the cup's always in Detroit!

Q: Why did the Flames enforcer retire early?
A: He was ice fishing and got run over by the zamboni!

Q: Why don't the Flames drink tea?
A: Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.

Q: What do you call 5 Calgary Flames players standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: Why are the Flames like grizzly bears?
A: Every fall they go into hibernation.

Q: What does a recent high school dropout and the Calgary Flames have in common?
A: They're both young, have no goals and no good prospects.

Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Red Wings and the Calgary Flames?
A: The last Red Wings Stanley Cup team picture isn't in black and white.

Q: What's the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Flames tickets?
A: People would pass up a pair of Flames tickets.

Q: What's the difference between a fat chick and the Calgary Flames?
A: Even a fat chick scores every once in a while!

Q: Why do the Flames suck at geometry?
A: Because they never have any points.

Q: What is it called when a Calgary Flames player blows in another Flames players ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do college students and the Flames have in common?
A: They've both finished their year by April.

Q: What's blue and orange and goes down the toilet faster than Liquid Plumber?
A: The Calgary Flames

Q: What do a fine wine and the Calgary Flames have in common?
A: They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.

Q: What's the difference between the Calgary Flames and a bra?
A: A bra has 2 cups!

Q: Why did the Post Office recall their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Flames players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: Why do people like driving a car with a Flames fan?
A: Because you can park in the handicap zone!

Q: What do you get when you combine all 23 Calgary Flames with 23 lesbians?
A: Fourty-Six people that dont do dick!

Q: What is the difference between a Calgary Flames fan and a pot hole?
A: I would swerve to avoid the pot hole!

Q: What song do Calgary Flames fans sing before the end of the third period?
A: Nobody knows. There's never any of them left.

Q: Whats the difference between the Calgary Flames and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking.

Q: What do the Calgary Flames and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: What is the difference between a Flames fan and a baby?
A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

Q: Did you hear the Calgary Flames are moving to the Phillipines?
A: They are going to be called the Manilla Folders!

Q: What do I have in common with the Calgary Flames?
A: Next week, we'll both be watching the Stanley Cup Finals on television.

Q: What do Calgary Flames fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How many Calgary Flames does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

Q: What do you call 23 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Finals?
A: The Calgary Flames.

Q: How can you tell if a Flames fan just sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it!

Q: What do the Calgary Flames and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 15,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: What is the difference between a bucket of shit and an Calgary Flames fan?
A: The bucket.

Q: If you have a car containing a Flames forward, a Flames center, and a Flames defender, who is driving the car?
A: The cop.

Q: How do you casterate an Calgary Flames fan?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What should you do if you find three Calgary Flames hockey fans buried up to their neck in cement?
A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between an Calgary Flames fan and a carp?
A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Q. How did the Calgary Flames fan die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q: What does an Calgary Flames fan do when his team has won the Stanley Cup?
A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.

Q: How many Calgary Flames fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Lava lamps don't burn out man!

Q: What does a Calgary Flames fan and a bottle of beer have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why do Calgary Flames fans keep their season tickets on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How do the Flames spend the first week of training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights

Q: How do you keep a Flames fan from masterbating?
A: You paint his dick Red Wings red and white and he won't beat it for years!

Q. Why do Flames fly over Scotiabank Saddledome upside down?
A. There's nothing worth craping on!

Q: Why doesn't Red Deer have an NHL team?
A: Because then Calgary would want one.

Q: Did you hear that Calgary's hockey team doesn't have a website?
A: They can't string three "Ws" together.

Q: What's the difference between a Scotiabank Saddledome hotdog, and a Joe Louis Arena hotdog?
A: You can buy a Joe Louis Arena hotdog in May!

Q: Why did BP hire the Calgary Flames to clean up the Gulf oil spill?
A: Because they'll go out there and throw in the towel!

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Calgary Flames fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog

Q: What is a Calgary Flames fan's favorite whine?
A: "We can't beat Detroit."

Q: How do you stop an Calgary Flames fan from beating his wife?
A: Dress her in Detroit Red and White!

Q: What's the difference between the Scotiabank Saddledome and a red light district?
A: In a red light district, you pay $300 bucks and somebody scores.

Q: What's the difference between the Toronto Raptors and the Calgary Flames?
A: The Raptors shoot at a net.

Q: Why are the Calgary Flames like Canada Post?
A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!

Q: Why are Calgary Flames jokes getting dumber and dumber?
A: Because Flames fans have started to make them up themselves.

Q: What's the difference between the Calgary Flames and a pinball machine?
A: The pinball machine scores more often and has more points.

According to a new poll 91 percent of people are satisfied with their lives.
The other 9 percent are Calgary Flames fans.

Can a Calgary Flames player drive a stick?
Only if they remove the clutch.

My wife was about to put my son in a Calgary Flames jersey, but I reminded her it was a choking hazard.

I took my broken vacuum cleaner back to the store.
They put a Calgary Flames jersey on it and now it sucks again.

Why did the Calgary Flames fan cross the road.....I was thinking when I accelerated.

Reckless Driver
A Flames fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Red Wings fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious hockey jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Red Wings fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time.
Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "sorry Father, I almost hit that Red Wings fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

Better at Sex
There were two men, one was a Flames fan and the other was a Red Wings fan.
These men were both madly in love with the same woman. So the woman challenged that whichever man does a better job at having sex with her would be her boyfriend.
Both men accepted the challenge.
That night, the woman had sex with the Flames fan and then the other night had sex with the Red Wings fan. The next day the woman chose the Red Wings fan to be her boyfriend.
Shocked and outraged, the Flames fan asked why she didn't choose him.
She replied by saying, "You, like your team not only come up short but always finish early!"

Career Day
It's career day in elementry school where each student talks about what their dad does. Little Johnny is last, and finally the teacher calls on him to talk about his dad. Johnny comes to the front of the class.
'My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them.'
The teacher is shocked, and she calls for an early recess for the rest of the class. She sits down with Johnny and asks him if this is really true about his dad.
Johnny says; 'No, but I was too embarrassed to say he played for the Calgary Flames.'

First Grade
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Calgary Flames fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Flames fans, too.
Not really knowing what a Flames fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Flames fan."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why I'm proud to be a Detroit Red Wings fan.", boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Red Wings fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Red Wings fans, and I'm a Red Wings fan, too!"
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Flames fan."

Skunk
"A skunk walk's into a bar and sees 3 guys in the corner wearing Calgary Flames jerseys.
He turns to the bartender and says "Ya'll think I stink."

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