"Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner
party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that
guy." —David Letterman
"Every day we learn more and more about
this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time he was a
womanizer. But now he has settled down with his five wives and 26 kids, so
that's now all over. ... He also had a drinking problem at one time. I believe
he went through 'Jihab'" —David Letterman
"They say now that Mullah Omar is living
out of his car. You know things are not going well for the jihad when your
Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota." —David Letterman
"Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head
out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of
bombing." —David Letterman
"Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner
party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that
guy." —David Letterman
"Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to
fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them."
—David Letterman
"Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin
Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They
dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're
going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it
Jihad.'" —David Letterman
"The Taliban is on the run and don't know
where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course,
they'll have no problem getting into this country." —David Letterman
"I was reading more about Osama bin Laden
today. Turns out he started in the mailroom." —David Letterman
"We're learning more about Osama bin
Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're
getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends
the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton."
—David Letterman
"They found a cave once lived in by Osama
bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and
macaroni. I'm telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could
be my place. It's like I have a twin." —David Letterman
"Now there are reports that Osama bin
Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I
have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a
televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards." —David
Letterman
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