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Bill Clinton One-Liners Jokes


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Q: What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
A: Fornigate.

Q: When did Bill Clinton lose Paula Jones
A: During the De-briefing

Q: What is Bill Clinton favorite instrument?
A: A sexaphone!

Q: What do Monica Lewinski and a soda machine have in common?
A: They both say insert bill here!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to deal with the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
A: Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached

Q: Why did Clinton bomb Iraq?
A: After Monica, he figured he was getting good at bringing people to their knees

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Q: What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common?
A: They both heard a giant sucking sound

Q: How is Bill Clinton like a computer?
A: He has good hard drive and ram but a problem with memory

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 300 women went down on the Titanic.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.

Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

Q. What's the difference between the Secret Service and Janet Reno?
A. There are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President.

Q. Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
A. The Spread Eagle

Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are to busy screwing the President.

Q. Why did Clinton cross the road?
A. To get to the intern on the other side, of course

Q. Why did the intern cross the road?
A. To get to the BOOK CONTRACT she needed to sign on the other side

Q. What is Clinton's favorite toy?
A. An Erector Set

Q. What is Clinton's favorite card game?
A. Poker

Q. What is Clinton's favorite food?
A. The Cumquat

Q. What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show?
A. Leave it to Beaver

Q. What's Clinton's favorite song?
A. Grooving

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A. Lays

Q. What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries?
A. The Dick-taphone

Q. What is the unwritten Executive Privilege?
A. Having first pick of the new White House Interns.

Q. Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
A. Because he is so good at say, "Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."

Q. Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer?
A. He likes to take a lot of stokes.
Q. Why does Clinton swim naked in the white house pool?
A. He is trolling for interns.

Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A. An intern with braces. (I feel your pain)

Q. What's Clinton's Economic forecast?
A. A "Bare" Market

Q. What is Clinton's number one training exercise for interns?
A. Tongue Twisters...

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite sandwich?
A. Tongue Sandwich

Q. What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch?
A. It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking

Q. Why did Clinton recommend Lewinsky for a job at Revlon?
A. He knew she would be good at making things up.

Q. Why did Richardson offer her a job in the Foreign service?
A. He thought she would be good at speaking in tongues.

Q. What is Clinton's Favorite outfit?
A. The Sear Sucker Suit

Q. What does Clinton do fist thing in the morning?
A. Read the HEADlines...

Q. How many White House interns does it take to satisfy Clinton?
A. Nobody knows, he has never been satisfied.

Q. What do Isikoff and Ice Cream have in common?
A. Both get scooped regularly.

Q. How does Clinton order his coffee in the morning?
A. Hot with Whipped Cream

Q. What's Clinton favorite place in the White House?
A. The Oval Orifice

Q. What magazine does Clinton hate?
A. WIRED

Q. What is the latest warning to be posted in the White House?
A. Don't Tripp!

Q. What does Nixon have in common with Clinton?
A. Tricky Dick

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clintons dick and a Quebec Hydro tower?
A. A Quebec Hydro tower comes down occasionally

Q. What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q. What do Clinton and Starr have in common?
A. They are both inclined to extend their probes.

Q. What was Arafat's Advice to Clinton?
A. Goats don't talk!

Q. What did Gore say after the Lewinsky story broke?
A. 'Why do they call me the stiff man in the White House?'

Q. What did Monica say when the FBI ask for the "Dress?"
A. Come and get it.

Q. How can you tell you've just had sex with Bill Clinton?
A. You've got french fries in your hair, and Vernon Jordan is handing you a job application.

Q. Why does Clinton wear boxers?
A. To keep his ankles warm.

Q. Why did Clinton quit the saxophone?
A. So he could play that Hoarmonica

Q. Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Clinton introduced?
A. Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff

Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. CHELSEA

Q. What will Bill Clinton be known as when he leaves the White House?
A. The President after Bush

Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A. His lips are moving

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a dog?
A. A dog chases his own tail

Q. What do you call Clinton's fly?
A. U.S. Open

Q. What did Clinton say when asked about the scandal?
A. I was trying to keep my campaign promise by putting more women on my staff.

Q. When can you tell that the country is in trouble?
A. Clinton has been caught with Al thinking it was Mal.

Q. What did Clinton say to the new female intern?
A. I haven't come across your face.

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